Oil City Oil Spills Lose Preseason Opener Against Absolutely No One

OIL CITY – The long-awaited NFL preseason opener for the Oil City Oil Spills kicked off last night at Derrick Stadium… or at least it was supposed to. The team took the field ready to prove themselves, only to discover the NFL had not, in fact, added them to the league — largely because they only have 25 players, no defensive coordinator, and a head coach who still thinks “cover two” is a mattress warranty.

With no opposing team present, the Oil Spills still decided to play the game for the crowd of 14 loyal fans and a stray cat. The first drive showed promise when quarterback Tony “Grease Arm” Mullins rolled out to his right and hit his wide receiver in stride… only for the ball to be intercepted by absolutely no one. “We just got outplayed on that one,” Mullins said.

On the very next series, running back Ricky “Slip ‘n Slide” Harper took the handoff, made a sharp cut, and promptly fumbled the ball. The loose pigskin was scooped up by absolutely no one from the non-existent defense, resulting in a turnover to the air.

The opposing “team” never scored a single point — mostly because they didn’t exist — yet the Oil Spills still struggled offensively. Mullins overthrew two open receivers, one of whom was eating nachos in the stands, and the other who was just a shadow on the field.

The game ended in a 0-0 tie, with highlights including dropped passes, missed field goals, and one punt that went backward after hitting the punter in the head.

Coach Numskull remained optimistic: “We kept them from scoring, and that’s something to build on. Next week, we’ll try to keep ourselves from scoring zero too.”