Mayor Survives Spitball Assassin. Poodle Struck Dies of Covid.

The 5th annual "Stop the Spread" event turned sour this morning when shots were fired during Mayor Blunders speech. Blunders was this years special guest speaker for the covid-19 awareness rally taking place in Butless Pensylvania, a flat parcel of land at the rear end of town.

The Mayor was only 6 minutes into his speech when, on live stick figure quality television, shots rang out with a spitball coming to within a fraction of an inch from taking his life. In the video below, you can see the moments where the stick figure depiction of Mayor Blunder grabs his ear and falls to the ground just before Venango County Secret Service men rush to the stage with hand sanitizer.

Oil City police, who also are armed with spitballs due to city budget cuts, returned fire at the assailant, who was laying 25 feet away on the roof of the City Outhouse, which coincidentally, is also the City Hall. The assailant was struck in the face with a spitball and immediately died of covid.

"It was a scary moment for me" says the Mayor "one moment I turn my head, and a fraction of a second later, something grazes my ear. I didn't even stop to think it might be saliva before touching it with my hand." The Mayor considers himself fortunate he didn't catch covid and die.

"This was a crazy moment for us as well" says a secret service member, whose name we wont reveal because it's a secret "my friend looked at me and said 'did you see that Frank Wilson?" I said 'who the heck uses a last name?' He says 'let's go!' Next thing ya know, Julius Smithsonian and I are on the stage shielding the Mayor."

"I think the most inspirational moment was when he stood up" says Karen Uranoying "we know for a fact this was an anti vaccinator. So seeing our Mayor raise his fist yelling 'Fight! Fight!' drove us to take this pandemic more seriously."

It's hard for Oil City to know when pandemic will end. Our last internet router broke in late 2020 just after the election. We don't have access to the internet or any major news network. All we can be sure of is that our Mayor Blunder is looking out for our best interest as he leads us through the pandemic.

As for the stray spitballs... It's been reported that the city poodle who makes up the K9 unit was struck by one. Authorities tried to run the poodle to ICUP Medical Center in Seneca, but it died of covid on the way.

The Mayor was rushed to the vehicle and driven to City Hall. When the Secret Service men got out of the car, they remembered that's where the shots came from. They got back in the car and drove the Mayor to McDonald's instead.

As the Mayor drove across town, all 6 citizens chanted loudly "V-S-A! V-S-A!" A reference to recent executive order by Mayor Blunder to secede from the union and declare ourselves the Venango States of America.