Mayor Hires Local Mistake to Consult Oil City Traffic Study

In a decision that can only be described as “on brand,” Mayor Blunders has once again made headlines by appointing a local man named Jake Horking Kake to lead a city-funded traffic study through downtown Oil City — a town where the only real congestion is caused by people forgetting where they parked.

Horking Kake, known primarily for mispronouncing “infrastructure” at public meetings and once mistaking a pedestrian crosswalk for an art installation, began the study by stepping directly into Route 8 traffic with no plan, no safety gear, and a clipboard containing only a printed photo of himself. Someone please tell this guy he will never achieve amateur modeling.

He attempted to stop drivers by waving his arms and shouting, “I’m with the mayor!” — which, according to witnesses, caused more confusion than compliance. Something his obnoxious waste of being does regularly. Within minutes, Horking Kake was struck by a 2008 Buick LeSabre going 19 mph and reportedly asked the driver if they “had a permit to go that fast.”

Blunders defended the hire, stating, “Jake Horking Kake has always been a strong public figure” (though mostly in scent — his unmaintained body odor has always been compared to the fish smell on South 4th Street). “He’s spoken at numerous city events" states Blunders "mostly when he wasn’t asked to.” Even his mother couldn’t get him to shut up in church.

Though his traffic report was never completed, it was discovered that he had drawn arrows on the back of a McDonald's receipt and labeled them “emotional pathways.” The irony being his pathway has no emotional supports.

As for his injuries, officials say he’s expected to make a full recovery (to the town’s dread). Though his ego may remain bruised for decades (let us hope). In a final bit of poetic irony, the mayor’s office issued a press release concluding: “Being struck on Route 8 was the emcee’s fate.”

Unfortunately, the car that hit him was scratched slightly.