Lawrence County States They Will Not Return West Pittsburg to Pittsburgh

It took Allegheny County decades to find the west side of their largest city. Generations passed, and people wondered if they would ever see those they used to visit before it all disappeared. That is, until Mayor Steelhead discovered West Pittsburgh on a map while sitting at his table for breakfast.

Mayor Steelhead is adamant about staying informed on daily developments in western Pennsylvania geography. If there is any change on the map, he notices due to his interest in reading it every morning. That's what made it so easy to pinpoint West Pittsburgh in Lawrence County.

Despite the obvious terminology used to describe Allegheny County’s alleged stolen property, Lawrence County states that they are refusing to return what Pittsburgh claims is rightfully theirs. According to Lawrence County officials, Allegheny is delusional and hasn’t stopped to consider that maybe their West Pittsburgh could have accidentally been swallowed by a sinkhole when they weren’t looking.

Steelhead adresses the press outside of City Hall

In a press briefing today, Steelhead responded to the sinkhole theory, stating that the "ancestors who forged the city were too smart to allow a sinkhole to have such power over their infrastructure." The media clapped for Steelhead’s eloquent speech as he proudly exited right and tripped off the stage.

King Lawrence addresses press outside of abandoned post office

In response to Mayor Steelhead's allegations, King Lawrence of Newcastle, president and official monarch of Lawrence County, informed the press that he is put off by the level of respect Lawrence County has shown to Allegheny. According to King Lawrence, naming a nearby town after western Pennsylvania's beloved city was an "expression of appreciation for the easy overtaking of their west end." When asked why he chose to specifically call it West Pittsburgh instead of Mini Pittsburgh, King Lawrence pretended to trip and fall off the stage.

Political coercion has not factored into the conflict between Allegheny and Lawrence County. Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh and King Lawrence of New Castle have both kept matters to a duel of verbal accusations. The most recent allegation is that the word Allegheny is so named due to its leaders’ inability to withhold crazy allegations.

If matters escalate, political sanctions will likely be the next step for both Southwestern Pennsylvania superpowers. Lawrence will arguably block off all waterways feeding into the Allegheny River. In return, Pittsburgh will likely prohibit the selling of any Pittsburgh Pirates tickets in the Lawrence County region. With football and hockey season being over, they don't really have much to work with.