Groundhog Day Accords: How an Extended Winter and Delayed Mating Season Will Negatively Impact the Elk County Military (Opinion)

The fear of winter returning this year has everyone on high alert. With Elk County now controlling the Nation of Jefferson County, and its capital of Punxsutawney, people across the world, from Erie to Pittsburgh, have reason to be concerned.

The only hope acting in favor of western Pennsylvania is the possibility of an extended winter. Delaying mating season for Elk County would mean an inability to raise troops. According to researchers at Clarion University, excessive cold weather means increased chances of frigidity that will make it impossible for Elk residents to find interest in each other at a time when their kind would normally do that kind of thing.

The Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization may be able to strategically use this matter to their advantage in defeating Elk County long term. Elk troops have been impossible to stop for anyone who has tried to stand in their way. However, if the allies can hold their ground just long enough, perhaps enough Elk troops will get struck by oncoming traffic when trying to cross the street. Eventually, they will be forced to withdraw until new offspring are born.

At this point in time, only Clarion has been hit by a major snowstorm. Mayor Bighorn of Elk County inevitably will be setting his eye on Venango as soon as he can secure Clarion County's capital of Clarion Township. Then, we will be covered in several feet of snow.

Mating season seems to be the only hope for the counties united against the common evil. The only question remaining is whether Bighorn will be dumb enough to delay mating season to keep his enemies subdued in snowstorms.