Erie News Now Reports Stolen Lizard as Region’s Biggest Crime

Things must be pretty safe in Warren if Erie News Now considers a stolen lizard to be the “crime of the week.” Ironically, this network covers Erie, Crawford, and Warren County for up-to-the-minute news. They have three whole counties to find something worth reporting, and the award goes to a freaking lizard!

The report by Erie News Now doesn’t give us much detail about the crime other than the name, age, and town the thief is from. Was it an impoverished mother trying to get her deprived child the lizard he always wanted? We’ll never know… Erie News Now didn’t tell us. Plus, nobody cares enough to drive to Spartansburg to ask the woman who stole the lizard. Most people don’t even know Spartansburg exists!

The mystery also wasn’t interesting. Despite the headline trying to sell this as the “crime of the week,” their plot twist was… wait for it… that residents called in to report it. That’s it!

Wow… that’s like super low-grade Sherlock Holmes. Watson asks how you solved the mystery, and you have no choice but to say, “Preschool, dear Watson. Preschool.”

With no interesting details to justify calling this the crime of the week, the author tries to turn this into a moral lesson on reporting crimes.

We learned to do this when we were 3

Thank you for this. I called 911 last Friday after watching a man crash his car into a telephone pole. Calling an ambulance is easy. But remembering why police exist is so hard when you are watching people violate the law.

Erie News Now is literally the network you think of when you need news from Erie. With the reputation preceding them, it’s hard not to think of this report as a joke… This is a joke right????

This is a joke, right? You said it happened on April 1st. It has to be a joke!

Perhaps crime took a break in the two-and-a-half thousand square miles Erie News Now claims to cover. They searched as hard as they could, but the drug dealers took a vacation from their addiction. This left the pet store as the only option for crime reporting that week.