Clarion Protest Tries to Cover Everything: Doesn’t Leave a Dent

"We just don't feel like having 11 separate protests," states the coordinator of the 11-person gathering. "It was just easier to give everyone a different sign and let them decide what to protest."

A massive 11-person march attempted to call out Washington this weekend, with each person taking on their own political topic. With politics now pertaining to no more than 11 subjects, the coordinators felt Clarion was the perfect spot, given that this exact same number pertains to how many Clarion residents think they have the power to change everything.

"We are the perfect place to complain about political issues that we are powerless in changing," states Laura Littlevoice. "Much like every western Pensylvania town, we act like we can make a difference while local industry continually declines."

The one group member representing immigration also chimed in, citing her friendship with the only South American in town. "I'm actually the only one who knows him. This is Clarion we're talking about. The rest of the group is probably racist."

Another member of the group took matters to the subject of healthcare because Clarion has no jobs to help people afford that.

"I am going to be heard on my demands for healthcare," says the man who desperately wants a bed in the worst hospital imaginable. "Although I could get somewhere protesting my local hospital's deficiencies, I'd rather pretend Congress will be intimidated by a guy on a street corner in Clarion."

Unfortunately, D.C. still doesn't know Western Pennsylvania towns exist. Since the decline of regional industries, they still think everyone packed up and left.

"We need to end the war in Iran," another protestor expressed while drinking his Dunkin' coffee.

The protest did not stay stationary. The group traveled through town, voicing with a bullhorn their complaints about the current administration.

While passing Toby Hill, the one person standing outside said, "Oh! That makes sense...." and went on smoking his cigarette.

When passing the University Inn, a woman raised her tall finger and went inside to shoot pool.

Finally, a squirrel heard the group marching down the most isolated street in town. It ran up a tree and disappeared.

After learning what this group did to the squirrel, President Trump surprisingly did not call in the National Guard. We believe this could be due to larger notable cities consisting of protests that are worth his time. Nonetheless, we encourage those protestors to show up again because frankly, it's this kind of nonsense that gives us something to write about.