The City of Pittsburgh is being investigated for allegations of misleading tourists with the phrase "Steel City." This came after a woman fell 20 feet through a collapsed stairway, requiring assistance to save her. The incident took place Sunday, August 2nd, on the 2500 block of Mission Street. A woman was walking on a set of stairs that experts state were actually made of rotting wood. The woman is said to have fallen through to a depth of about 20 feet, requiring her to receive medical attention. Pittsburgh was immediately scrutinized for its claim of being the Steel City. Outside observers, as well as several locals, state that they feel the city has been living a lie. Others also noted that the rotting wood might explain why their football team has been average over the last nine years. "We aren't entirely made of steel after all," states Northern City Redneck of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. "The industry technically left years ago, but I thought the impression was still left behind." With the city now consisting of sections made of rotting wood, many are calling for the impeachment of Mayor Steelhead, citing that Pittsburgh should instead be nicknamed the City of Rednecks. In a press briefing today, Mayor Steelhead did not back down when calling out the yinzers attempting to redefine the identity of the historical city. He promises that he will send out special forces to remove all non-steel structures and replace them with the metal that makes their city what it used to be. As for the woman who fell through the stairs, her injury offers more evidence that the city, claiming to be made completely out of steel, is a living lie. It seems that even the residents themselves are not made out of steel, given that they break under pressure. Doctors are working to try to figure out what happened to the genetics that once made the people of Pittsburgh steel-blooded. As of now, the mystery remains if genetic mutations can be performed to create the same bodily functions in the locals.

Everyone knows how vital State Street is during rush hour for the highly successful businessmen that make Oil City a thriving metropolis. Unfortunately, the crumbling Catholic church, known as the only building to feature trees growing out of its roof, now poses a danger to the vehicles below. Hence, why authorities have shut down State Street, creating a major inconvenience. Trees featured on Crumbling Catholic Church The situation is so severe that the left-turning lane on Front Street and the straight lane on Veterans Memorial Bridge have been blocked off with impenetrable barriers. Barrier's immune to cars This leaves drivers no choice but to move westward down Front Street, into the unknown mysteries that lie beyond them. With the use of satellite imagery and modern cellular photographic technology, our expert journalists have been able to map out a route to help travelers detour with the quickest possible route, providing safe passage to Giant Eagle and the Seneca beyond. As jarring as it may be to consider traveling through the highly populated south side of Oil City, travelers will find the most success moving westward down Front Street. We understand that the name of this passage instills fear in the hearts of our readers, given that the word "front" often applies to a sketchy location. For instance, if police intend on using a location as a front, they will refer to it as a "front." We here at the Venango Republic would like to assure our readers that the drive down Front Street is only a temporary approach, so long as you turn before reaching the front of town. As soon as you come to Central Avenue, do not fear, for you have reached the turning point that will lead you to the back of town. Just slow down your car when you see the signage that suggests an avenue that is central to the south side of Oil City. Do not allow your car to surpass this roadway, as reaching the back of town will require you to turn your steering wheel leftward, as you progress your gas pedal in a forward position. Turn where that white car is going. That's Central Avenue even though it's technically off center. Now that you have successfully navigated your vehicle onto Central Avenue, you will notice to your right the Library of Inexplainable Existence. Do not fear, but continue, knowing that the boredom will end as soon as you reach 1st Street. Continue and fear no darkness At this point, the success of reaching your desired goal will require a left turn ahead of you. For the best results, please ensure that your left blinking light is functioning prior to making this journey. Once you have reached 1st Street, put your turn signal in the downward position. Your turn signal should be a lever on the left side behind your steering wheel. Your left side should be what most consider their non-dominant hand. Your non-dominant hand is the hand that most people are less likely to use for everyday tasks like drinking coffee and other non-perverted tasks. After completing the prior step, turn your wheel to the left once again, while leaning your foot on the gas pedal in a forward motion. Your car should drift forward as you turn onto 1st Street. First street according to sources Now, you are home free. At any moment, the crumbling Catholic church should appear on your left side, displaying the section opposite of what you first observed before driving around the block. What should be visible if you followed these steps correctly To help simplify the process, we have broken down these steps into a much simpler navigation tool known as a map. Below is an image depicting the route by which you can successfully detour around the road that has been closed in the metropolis of Oil City. Your car can technically veer that dramatically on the third left turn. However, it's not recommended. We hope that these instructions help guide you on your journey, as you seek to find success in reaching your desired goal on the southeastern side of Oil City. We bid thee well, and Godspeed. This just in, Venango Republic accused of promoting reckless driving with the use of the phrase, "Godspeed." Details at 11.

A Northhampton woman is facing charges of theft after putting faith in the unlikely scenario of all Walmart security cameras not working. According to information provided by the Clarion Psych, Mrs. Three's Acharm of Northhampton loaded an entire cart of unspecified items before taking off in a vehicle she imagined into existence. "I assumed that if you pretend police don't exist, that somehow that would help me get away," states Acharm. "I completely forgot to pretend I had a vehicle before trying to outrun the cops." Acharm is said to have made off with over half a grand of items, including a cart that could only be successfully stolen in LA. Now, she must convince police that she doesn't exist if she has any hope of avoiding charges. "I tried to give them a fake name, hoping that their computers didn't work," Acharm told the press as she wished her straight jacket out of existence. "Unfortunately, once again, my attempt to manipulate reality failed." Walmart has not commented as to why their security cameras failed to stop working when Acharm left the store. When walking into the store, we discovered that attempting to steal will always result in charges when caught. That's not to say we tested it ourselves. We just looked to Acharm as an example.

The Founder and CEO of the Venango Republic announced on social media that he plans on attending karaoke at Oliver's Beer Garden tonight. Blobbert Blobfish, who has built a reputation in the northwestern Pennsylvania region as the most sophisticated slime humanoid, has already attended one event this summer at the famous outdoor venue. Today, he plans to leave his mark again by singing his rendition of that famous number, Baby Shark DoDoDoDoDoDo. Fans of the Venango Republic legend say they are excited to finally be able to shake the hand of their favorite sea creature. Although the event is not specifically for Mr. Blobfish, fictional security will be present to ensure he is not overwhelmed by fictional press. "I just can't believe I will be able to see him in the fictional flesh," states Cheyenne Awayfromhere of Harborcreek. "I have always wanted his autograph, but I hear it always gets wet after he signs." Beverages will be available at the bar because Oliver's Beer Garden sells them. The night will feature talent from other singers because this event was not created with Blobbert as a main attraction. Technically, Oliver's doesn't even know or care Blobbert is coming. Tickets are available by visiting that scammer trying to paint this as a paid event. For more information, visit Oliver's Beer Garden's social media, and not ours because we aren't being paid to promote them.

Corry, Pennsylvania, capital of Erie County's east side, has pledged its support for the City of Erie in the conflict over Millcreek's Mall Gun. This came after Mayor Derail of Corry announced to the press how nice it would be for his city to have a mall of their own. "Every attempt I make to give this town a nice vibe continually fails," Derail told the press. "Perhaps if we side with Erie, they will let us have the Mall Gun in Kearsarge." The Mall Gun in Kearsarge has been the center of controversy for several weeks due to it being shaped like a gun pointed at the capital. With Erie having absolutely no counter defenses, sanctions have been the primary means of placing pressure on the neighboring community. Corry's disadvantage in convincing Erie to give them the gun is their lack of appeal. As one of Erie County's least attractive sights, Mayor Paranoia of Erie, capital of Erie County, has chosen to place the city on the far southeastern side with the hope that its existence will be completely forgotten. Satalite image shows Corry at farthest possible distance "I have been trying to place Union City right next to Corry for years," Mayor Paranoia states. "Unfortunately, that town is refusing to follow my executive order to get out of sight." With Corry being on Erie's list of places to visit when you want to feel better about yourself, it is hard to imagine Paranoia agreeing to give them a giant Mall Gun. Union City is not as established as Corry in deciding who they are siding with. According to information provided by the Union City Fallout, residents of the town are debating whether it is worth taking Erie's side if they don't have a Mall Gun of their own. Many residents are choosing to side with Millcreek despite Millcreek's wish for Union City to get out of sight. The division between Erie and Millcreek is said to potentially result in a civil war between the townships. Only one casualty has been reported since the start of the debate over Millcreek's Mall Gun. The trial for Llamar Llamley is scheduled for next week.

A group of motor cyclists are being investigated after allegedly using their bikes to do tricks at the Blues and Jazz Festival in Erie. The event took place Friday at some unspecified time in front of what most consider to be the second best stage. The matter was quickly resolved, but not before we figured out how to wildly exaggerate the circumstance for the sake of dishonest propaganda. Several non-existing witnesses had a lot to say about the situation. The few bikers we have escalated to be more than 50 are said to have driven their suped-up mopeds through each tent, leaving vendors with ruined merchandise. "My line of 'don't take dirt from anyone' merchandise is covered in mud!" says Mr. Cleanliness of West 6th Street. "I knew I shouldn't have left my bubble." Witnesses say they were completely covered as the bikers turned the Blues and Jazz Fest into a mud-slinging derby. Riders were said to have come down the hill on the north side of the stage, leaving many confused as to why they were riding so aggressively. Bikers descend into Frontier Park It was at this moment a ramp, suspiciously constructed on the back of the venue, showed its intended purpose, as bikers began ascending to the roof of the stage. Some smart guy is gonna comment how this isn't real "These dang kids on their dang e-bikes..." Batty Me Bow vented as he tried washing the mud stains out of his naturally black clothes. "I specifically choose this look so I don't have to use Tide. What the family-friendly version of the F word is going on here?" Batty Me Bow washes his clothes Mud stains were the least of everyone's concerns. The ramp leading up the back of the stage resulted in acrobatics many would consider a liability. Youth ignorance to pain "We thought that was part of the show. We thought it was a part of the setup," Mr. Peaceful Pledge told our reporters. "There's only four of us and like 500 of them. If it was 499, we could have stopped it, but they were too much to handle." Despite the drawbacks, band members tried their best to press on, keeping rhythm as the engines roared louder than their speakers. Dust in the Wind, Mud Edition The noise was obnoxious. But spectators say that the bikers were at least respectful of the wiring running to the stage. Onlookers praised how the vehicle operators jumped once they came within feet of the cords. Our apologies to Chapman. AI screwed up your name. "There were so many different models. Kawasaki, Yamaha, Norton Antivirus..." states Janice McAfee, wife of some famous computer nerd. "It was so overwhelming having thousands of dirt bikers flinging mud at us. Fortunately, I have a firewall to protect against mudware." By the time authorities were notified, the bikers rounded the nearest corner and made their retreat on the nearest walking trail. Biker break Bows land Police say they made a narrow escape, stopping roughly three times to recharge their batteries. Respectfully, they at least obeyed every posted speed limit, maintaining a consistent bunny-hop speed. Those responsible for the incident are still at large because they eat donuts and never get off their scooters. Anyone with information is encouraged to contact the nearest relatives so they can pick up their dementia patient and return them to their village. For more information on how you can help scooter gangs overcome their delusion, contact the tip line for Elderly People with Fragile Hips. Elder abuse is illegal and should not be joked about... Oh well...

President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America is weighing in on the conflict between Millcreek and the City of Erie. After learning of the two townships going to war over the giant Mall Gun pointed in Erie's direction, Blunders has threatened to use his influence to force Millcreek to bend to his will. Satalite view of Millcreek's giant Mall Gun pointed toward Erie The only problem facing Blunders is that he has no influence. He is literally just the Mayor of Oil City. Despite appointing himself the President of Venango County and making the decision to secede from the United States, every other county in Western Pennsylvania still does not know he exists. In spite of the reality surrounding Blunders' lack of authority, he is still convinced Venango County is the superpower of Western Pennsylvania. Late Friday evening, Blunders stood before the press outside of City Hall, which is the City Outhouse, threatening to put sanctions on Millcreek if they do not comply with his demands to disassemble the Mall Gun pointed in Erie's direction. Mayor Blunders on the steps of City Hall Mayor Wastecash was quick to ignore Blunders' demands, citing that he has never heard of Oil City before. When reporters attempted to follow up with a question about Wastecash's potential curiosity regarding this "Oil City," Wastecash left the room, stating he was "too busy for fictional discussions." This comment left the press confused because he literally is a made-up character. Wastecash stuns the press with hypocritical statement about existence Now, Blunders is resorting to a new method of intimidation. As an ally to the City of Erie, President Mayor Blunders has ordered military intervention to crush the Millcreek rebellion. Unfortunately, two-thirds of Venango's military was ordered to cross the border of Clearfield County into the nation of Uganda several weeks ago to help crush the Ebola Uprising. Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County military last seen in Uganda With Blunders down to one military member, he must decide if it is worth trying to convince the mother of 9-year-old Timmy to let her son go to Millcreek. The last time Timmy was sent on a mission, he spent several weeks lost in Allegheny National Forest, which resulted in his parents being sent to prison because of his tardiness from school. 9 year old Timmy taken home by his mother shortly after her release Blunders has likely lost the trust of little Timmy's parents, leaving him with no military to threaten Millcreek. Blunders says he will try anyways. Following Wastecash dismissing discussions about Venango County's intervention, Blunders told the press that he will be sending five thousand men armed with the highest-rated weaponry available. This, of course, is a blatant lie. Blunders has nobody and barely has enough change to buy breakfast in the morning. Millcreek will likely keep its Mall Gun assembled, while Blunders continues to live in his imagination of being a superpower.

The southern portion of Allegheny County is at risk of being split in two after the fall of South Park on Wednesday. Washington's troops are mobilizing and preparing to move on Pleasant Hills Township if Allegheny troops do not relocate quickly enough to defend it. In a press briefing today, Mayor George Washington of Washington Township, capital of Washington County, voiced his motivation for the campaign he has placed on the shoulders of his army. "We are but a people of one identity, sworn to defend the nature of that cause." Mayor George Washington stand before the press Friday afternoon The mission to take possession of Mount Washington in Pittsburgh comes with the challenge of figuring out how to drag the giant terrain back to their homeland. Armed with muskets dated to the 1700s, the army of Washington County has no practical way of moving the massive pile of land they take pride in. Despite the limitations, the military presses on, posing a threat to southwestern Pennsylvania's superpower. Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh, who has already ordered the invasion of Lawrence County, has only a small number of troops remaining at his disposal for the defense of Allegheny's capital. The question remains if the steel bodies of this military can hold up against the iron bullets that will inevitably be fired upon them.

Washington County has officially moved into Allegheny territory, laying siege to the industrial city of South Park Township. Residents are now in a state of emergency, being forced to live under the oppression of musket-weilding weirdos. To make matters worse, they have reportedly killed Kenny. The event took place at around 9 o'clock Wednesday evening, when several soldiers, all of whom are named George Washington, marched onto the city, taking possession of major roadways such as Library Road, Brownsville Road, and Cochrans Mill Road. Washington County troops stand guard at Cochran Mill Rd Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh has ordered the mobilization of his armies in the southern territories of Allegheny County. With Washington determined to regain its rights to Mount Washington, Mayor Steelhead states that it is vital to the security of his nation that they secure the border of South Park and drive Washington's troops from their lands. Allegheny troops gather in Bridgeville Experts state that this is the opportune time for Washington County to move into Allegheny territory. Much of the Allegheny military has recently landed in Lawrence County in what Mayor Steelhead calls "Operation West Pittsburg." Several months ago, Steelhead noted that Lawrence County has a West Pittsburg just south of New Castle, the capital of Lawrence County. Despite the allegations that Lawrence County stole Allegheny's western half of its largest city, Sir Lawrence of New Castle continually insists that the West Pittsburg south of New Castle originated in his region. Sir Lawrence presents his best evidence for his county's claim to West Pittsburg Allegheny's demand for West Pittsburg has now led Washington County to threaten the security of Allegheny as a nation through military force in order to regain Mount Washington from Pittsburgh. In the eyes of Mayor George Washington of Washington County, Mayor Steelhead's demand for West Pittsburg is an act of hypocrisy because of his unwillingness to surrender Mount Washington to the nation of Washington County. Mount Washington in Pittsburgh Today, Washington County's threat to invade Allegheny has been fulfilled, with South Park now in the hands of Washington County troops. The question remains whether Allegheny has the military might to deter the enemy forces from continuing their objective. Experts say that this is more than likely, since everyone of Pittsburgh descent is literally made of steel. Despite the impenetrable nature of Allegheny soldiers, there is no doubt that Washington's troops will still attempt to press forward. Armed with muskets tipped with iron bayonets, their intent is to charge, striking fear into the hearts of soldiers made of a stronger metal. With failure literally being the only option, Washington County is what experts best describe as insane. Meanwhile, on the east side, Mayor Rebel of Westmoreland County states that he is available to support Allegheny with whatever means are necessary. Mayor Steelhead has rejected this offer, since Westmoreland's only reason for supporting Allegheny is the hope of taking more land west of its county. In a press briefing today, Steelhead called out Mayor Rebel, accusing him of trying to use trickery to measure borders that will later be moved for expansion. Steelhead did not stop with this accusation, but also asserted that because every soldier for the Whiskey Rebellion is made of glass bottles, they will break during the first second of engagement with Washington County. Mayor George Washington of Washington Township, capital of Washington County, addressed the press today, telling reporters that his reason for capturing South Park was due to its historical significance in the Whiskey Rebellion. Washington states that if Mayor Rebel wishes to become an ally to the nation of Washington County, he can assure him more land, as he has desired, since the beginning of his county's establishment. Mayor George Washington of Washington County on the left. Mayor Rebel of Westmoreland on the right. Mayor Rebel was unable to respond to Washington's offer. Having a face made of a whiskey bottle means that Mayor Rebel is always drunk when his bottle is filled. Additionally, he doesn't have a mouth, making it impossible to know what he is saying. What we do know about Westmoreland is that they have a history of trying to take Allegheny land secretly. If not for the wit of Mayor Steelhead, the border of Allegheny would be much smaller. Fortunately, the Whiskey Rebellion says they are not willing to risk their bottlenecks over an invasion that can be accomplished slowly. Instead, Washington is doing all the work for them. The battle is ongoing with no shots officially fired at this time. Reports state that Washington troops are already facing a new challenge with trying to figure out who is who. Otherwise, the Venango Republic can safely say that Washington County has successfully confused itself before confusing the enemy.

Three unrelated communities are now feeling personally attacked after a sign and a series of Facebook posts caused their worlds to collide. A billboard displaying a red mark over the part of a man that produces controversial life decisions seems to target people who get shot between the legs. This, however, is not the target audience. When using the talent of reading, observers quickly discover that it is actually speaking to those who clipped their junk. Meanwhile, the Flagship is focused on you.... This protest against the removal of disposable tissue has caused many to feel incredibly awkward when driving to Presque Isle. Not for the fear that a sea wolf may bite theirs off, but simply because it is a stupid movement. Nonetheless, one individual could not help but speak up for the circumcised who feel attacked by their parents' life-changing decision. "I am bald, and feel bad that someone would shame people for clipping away something they have a right to remove," states Mr. Clean of Erie, Pennsylvania. "I just know what it is like to be judged for removing my hair, so I wanted to speak up for people who buzzed off that other spot." Speaking out came with several arguments unrelated to the sign. In his Facebook post against the billboard, Mr. Clean suggested that those responsible for making the sign are trying to link circumcision with autism. "Erie was so welcoming. They even had a bloodstained crotch sign condemning circumcision!" Yeah..... The sign doesn't say anything about autism..... But ok.... We here at the Venango Republic wanted to see if there was something to this concern about Bloodstained Men linking circumcision to autism. After visiting the website for Bloodstained Men, we learned that their nonprofit is actually just a billboard.... They mention billboards three times and have two information pages about billboards Who the hell advertises billboards on their website? I thought your business was circumcised men. No information on how cutting the foreskin impacts people? You know the billboard is supposed to be an advertisement, right? You are basically advertising the advertisement when you include your billboard in the header. "For more information about this billboard, please visit our website, where we can casually direct you back to this billboard." With no information to draw from Erie's chapter of the Bloodstained Men movement, other than their pride in renting billboards, we can safely say that autism has not been made a subject. Instead, they are bragging about billboards. Meanwhile, the autistic community is feeling attacked by the fact that a bald man would suggest they are circumcised. "Rainman mad at Mr. Clean. Rainman very mad," Rainman expressed as he organized the toothpicks on the floor. Other autistic residents of Erie were not so offended due to their shared baldness. "We does not wants to talk about it," Smeagle told reporters as he moved to the corner to gawk over his ring. With circumcised men and autistic individuals now on the receiving end of scrutiny, only one group remains. In response to the initial post made to complain about the sign, another Facebook user has countered with their own form of slander. Great! Now the bald community can feel attacked too. Everyone feels insulted. Even the guy telling people not to discriminate is discriminating. We are all pricks and can take pride in this common divisive trait. As for the science, we still don't know why a cut that heals in ten days causes more lifelong trauma than when a girl at school kicks you in the same spot. Apparently, it warrants starting a nonprofit that purchases billboards and brags about having them. Now, they at least have billboards to prove why it's worth risking infection to keep your foreskin.

A goose native to Erie became the victim of a hit and run this week, causing the community to lose their shoot. According to sources in the flightless bird community, Arnold Quack of Erie was tending to his duty as an existing goose in the Wintergreen Gorge Cemetery, a public attraction with lifeless human exhibits. While attempting to cross the road, Mr. Quack suddenly joined the lifeless human exhibits when he was run down by a vehicle, officially ending his life. Authorities say they are clueless as to what motivated the killing of Mr. Quack. So far, the only evidence is a lifeless bird sitting on the pavement in the Wintergreen Cemetery. Investigations are ongoing with the lack of progress hinting as to why nobody ever bothers to ask, "Why did the goose cross the road?" With social media now in an uproar, pressure is on for police to determine who hit the feather weight. DNA tests are being performed on all cars in a five mile radius to determine if any goose droppings made it onto a vehicle. So far, they have only discovered damaged cars with remnants of deer, possums, raccoons, dogs, and cats. No charges are being pressed since nobody seems to give a crap. Meanwhile, the goose killer is on the loose. Locals are being asked to keep their geese away from the cemetery until further notice.

An attempt to promote violence? Or an honest mistake? That is the question plaguing many locals who thought they knew Brenda McCullough personally. A social media post encouraging its readers to believe that they make the world a better place is facing backlash because of its potential violent implications. Rather than expounding on the statement, McCullough left it vague enough for anyone to be encouraged by the sentiment, including Adolf Hitler, who was among the readers commenting his gratitude for the reassurance. "I was beginning to reconsider my years of violent tendencies before seeing this post," states Adolf Hitler, founder and CEO of a military that can't see for some reason. "This post encouraged me to continue my dream." Other readers were perplexed by the statement, saying that if McCullough was truly against antisemitism, she needed to be more clear about who she was writing to. "I'm not buying this idea that she simply made a mistake," states Karen Mouthfull of Union City. "The minute you make a statement applicable to everyone, you support everyone, including Hitler." McCullough has tried her best to resolve the issue. Earlier today, she posted a less motivational message. Unfortunately, she once again kept it vague. "She could be talking about the good people with that follow-up post," Mouthfull told the press. "I just think that if she was sincere, she would be more transparent about who she stands with." Because of the vague nature of these posts, discussions are still pending with the moderators of Facebook as to whether McCullough should be banned. Experts are warning that even if there was no ill intent, there is no telling what other scum could have been encouraged by the choice of words. McCullough says she meant no harm in the message, but states that the vagueness will remain in her post for personal reasons.