Search Results

The Crawford Carnage reports that the Titusville factory specializing in bedspread underwear is officially closing until further notice. This came after several workers were unable to find the front door to their cars. "We were planning to resume production of bedsheets Monday morning," states Mr. Diesel. "No one in the county can find their driveways. Meanwhile, our factory is covered in mounds of snow." Spring Street view of the bedspread factory parking lot With no underside bedding for locals to purchase, many are turning to unused newspaper from the town hoarder. "It's a hard sacrifice," Gottalotta Garbage told the press while looking for her remote in a pile of canned goods. "I've had those newspapers for decades, except for the ones I've had less than a decade." Mrs. Garbage looking for her shoes in half century old cans The newspaper is not the most ideal choice for people looking for a good night's rest. Nonetheless, locals say it's better than sleeping on a naked mattress. The upside is that anyone wetting themselves will have something other than the mattress to absorb the fluids. The reopening of the bedspread factory is still uncertain at this point. Mr. Diesel wants to get back to production as soon as he can find his pet poodle in the backyard. By then, it is believed the snow should be melted enough to get Sheetz running again.

The self-declared president of Venango County has declared a state of emergency after observing a map from the National Weather Service. According to sources that we made up, the map scared the commander-in-chief when he thought the orange meant we were catching fire. “Global warming has gone too far!” Mayor Blunders said to the press. “We just finished prepping City Hall for winter, and now we have to fend off flames!” Earlier this year, Mayor Blunders burned down the old City Hall by lighting a match and catching the defecation from the toilet on fire. Now, he is fearful that the north side donations of loose floorboards will go to waste if the new structure burns to the ground. “The major upgrades of our proud monument will go to waste,” says the mayor. “We just installed the observatory, fire escape, and sign for the building last summer.” City Hall insulated for the Winter months... The fire brigade is standing by for what is predicted to be the hottest winter weekend the region has ever seen. Residents are encouraged to come outdoors and bathe in the river before the fire falls. For extra precaution, the mayor has also banned orange signs to boost morale in this time of uncertainty.

A woman is in critical condition after suffering from overloaded blood pressure. According to sources, Pam Spraycooker of Acenes Township was rushed to the hospital with blood pressure only before seen in hostage negotiations. The event took place around 3:45 PM after Spraycooker finished scraping the grease off her panhandle. According to sources, Spraycooker was seen falling to the floor, panting in extreme frustration, as her mother-in-law kept commenting on the drapes. This is not the first instance of Spraycooker experiencing heart failure. Last month, while shopping for a chicken coop, her husband insisted on allowing his parents to give each pen a walkthrough. Spraycooker says she tried to emphasize the need for southern sun exposure but was treated like she wasn't even present. The husband wound up settling for a chicken wire fence held together with duct tape. “It's just incredibly frustrating to have them involved in every life decision, big or small,” Spraycooker told the Wilson volleyball in her bedroom. “They walked him down the aisle as if to say they were giving him up. He even promised to trust my leadership and build a life with me.” Unfortunately, the volleyball had no sound advice for the woman driven out of her mind. Mrs. Spraycooker trying to cope with no blood on her hands. It is unclear what steps doctors must take for Spraycooker's recovery. According to clinicians, they still haven't been able to discuss her medical history because the in-laws are refusing to put her file back in the cabinet. “Once they stop giving advice, we can start focusing on her well-being,” Dr. Scalpel told the press at the ICUP Medical Center in Seneca. “We've called security, but they become exhausted halfway to the door. Then, the in-laws come back.” In hindsight, Spraycooker's husband says he “should have done better” and will consult his parents on what boundaries he needs once his wife is healthy enough to hear their opinion. Doctors are preparing her hearse just in case.

The bustling city of Clarion has lost its one and only transit, forcing individuals to buy their own cars. According to reports by Explore Decliningarea, the underground railroad was unable to further sustain commutes across their metropolis because of an increase in local baloney. After months of trying to retain their Italian bred rails men, negotiations fell flat and ties were cut cold. Experts say that the unmaintained footlong rails mayo maynot be to blame. Though they oreganoly thought the rails men would enjoy the herban lifestyle, it is now apparent they preferred a different condiment. “It is sad to see this longtime underground railroad shut down,” says Trails to Rails. “It’s incredibly frustrating. I just know they are going to fill it with water. Then, people will start buying underwater vehicles from Bob’s Subs!” The populace without vehicles is still trying to determine how they will get across town. “My work is almost a 5 minute walk across town,” says the vice president of Cheap Tech Inc. “With all the gang violence across this vast city, I don’t want to risk getting mugged.” Local mugger cought on camera. Still at large! The loss of the transit is Clarion’s biggest blow since the post office raised their stamp prices. Officials are doing everything possible to get the railroad up and running again. For the time being, city-funded roller skates are the only option available to those without transportation.

It’s been almost four years since the coffee can containing the city treasury went missing. The loss of twenty dollars devastated the town, which has struggled to recover since. Today, hope may have been reignited after a strange can at the edge of town was discovered next to the railroad tracks on the south side. “I was just walking next to the river when I noticed this rusted can,” Martin Mugshot told reporters. “It is completely rusted, but may contain the money our city left inside of it before it went missing.” Experts at Venango Campus are working tirelessly to find a way to open the can. With the town’s electricity being used to run the bridge lights, professors are forced to depend on hand tools for the project. If the can is discovered to contain the city treasury, Oil City will finally be able to pay off their loan to Franklin for the bidet toilet seat in City Hall, which also is the City Outhouse. Other loans to Franklin will remain for the time being, but are predicted to be addressed in the Franklin mayor’s dreams.

A local moron is heavily convinced that the most effective way to convert opposing thinkers is to harshly belittle them. To demonstrate his hostility, he has placed signs at the edge of the road with abrasive assertions that generalize a populace of free thinkers. Viewer discretion is advised.... YOU'RE ALL ADULTS! “I’ll never forget when the Republicans first cussed me out,” states Mr. High and Mighty. “I immediately converted to their side by the way they belittled me for my opposing belief.” So far, the man claims that 15 Democrats have seen the light since observing his less-than-appropriate choice of language. Even members under the former cabinet in Washington say that they are deeply ashamed for siding with Joe Biden for four years. How does this differ from the Democrats protesting in Franklin? According to the moron who is high and mighty, these signs are much more aggressive and shame people beyond their ability to cope. Where Democrats in Franklin compared the current administration to Hitler, these signs absolutely belittle the opposing party, suggesting that their mere existence is a mistake. Local Democrats acting like the Hitler comparison has ever made a difference in any argument... "sure, I'll listen now that you've compared me to Hitler..." “Comparing us to Hitler doesn't change us because you're accusing us of being an aggressor." States the high and mighty sign cusser. "It's much different when you can actually verbally be an aggressor. That kind of shame converts people much better than just shaming people with the assertion that they're aggressors.” Mr. High and Mighty says that he has used this philosophy ever since his conversion through cuss and belittlement therapy. As an expert in this field, he hopes to help others recover from what he considers the inferior way of life. Meanwhile, objective neutral thinkers with a brain will continue using the philosophy of respect to gain respect. Politically biased experts say that this may be a hindrance to the less intelligent political enthusiasts who are trying to make progress by demonizing one another.

Protests in isolated regions around the United States have fallen short of their objective for months, as tiny farming communities like Minneapolis and Los Angeles have not had the population necessary to get through to Washington. Finally, the metropolis of Franklin in Venango County, Pennsylvania, has stepped up with a crowd amassing to 15 people. President Trump announced less than an hour after the protest that he will no longer remain in office for fear of what these protesters could do. “Washington does not have the security necessary to hold off such thugs,” stated the President in a press briefing today. “With all our focus on obtaining Greenland to defend against minor forces like Russia or dealing with the cartel in Mexico, we know that this force in Franklin is one we cannot reckon with.” After his press briefing, the President immediately snuck out the back with the help of Secret Service members, who elected to no longer protect him for fear of their own reputation. Instead, the President was aided with a donkey and a long stick with a handkerchief on the end. His family is estimated to be somewhere in the Washington Mall, making their way to Cuba. “We just didn't realize what damage this was causing to the American people,” states Marco Rubio, who says that he will now become a Democrat and renounce his entire lifelong belief system. “The Franklin protesters finally helped me see the light so that I will no longer go by way of those terrible Republicans.” With the sudden impact that Venango County's protesters have had on the United States government, officials are now considering moving the capital to Franklin, Pennsylvania, or possibly the heart of Oil City. The Democrat Party is quickly working to replace the Republicans with much more fitting figures. Unfortunately, they have only been able to find other politically-minded pricks to take the place of the other pricks. Washington is now calling on Oil City to find noble leaders worthy to run the nation. With the metropolis of Oil City and Franklin being so close together, it only makes sense that the minds that are geniusly allowing this region to thrive should be given the reins of the United States government. Impoverished individuals like Donald Trump will no longer be in office as the government now rests in the hands of the rich populace of Venango County. This is all thanks to 15 protesters uselessly standing outside of a courthouse.

The pride and joy of western Pennsylvania's unprecedented beauty 🤮🤮🤮 appears to be sabotaged by what looks like a mass load of mashed potatoes dumped into the river. The substance appeared out of nowhere this morning after a very cold night and has been growing by the hour, as if someone is pumping the mashed potatoes from the base of the river. According to sources, not much is known about the substance at this time, as experts are too afraid to approach for the fear that they will be sucked in. Authorities are warning locals not to bathe in the river, with the chance that they too may be turned into mashed potatoes by whatever lies underneath the surface. "This is incredibly frustrating for me." Says Wetsuit Deepdive. "It's tradition for me to immerse myself in below zero temperatures this time of year. Now I have to settle for Aunt Mabels hot tub!" The mashed potato pandemic is worrisome for several locals who find vegetables to be abrasive. Last week, a vegetable reportedly showed up to the Oil Spills football game in a chair. The vegan substance somehow managed to engineer a seat with wheels on the side to maneuver around with his arms. However, when it came time to sing the national anthem, he refused to get out of his chair. Locals are enraged by the events that took place at the Oil Spills first playoff game. So much, that they are refusing to warm up to the idea of mashed potatoes being poured into the Allegheny river. "The national anthem of the Venango States is our proudest identifier ever since the secession!" Says Mr. Briddle Fingers. "The mashed potatoes are obviously a message against our fine nation! And Mr. Wheels is definitely behind it!" Locals are calling for our political leaders to step in and resolve the matter immediately. With conflicting speculations over where these mashed potatoes came from, one thing is for certain, citizens want answers.

Yesterday, residents around the region were shocked to step outside and see a white substance laying on the ground. What initially was thought to simply be a pothole filler soon became Venango's biggest nightmare when it was discovered that East Crawford found a way to weaponize the element. At 8:30 p.m. last night, Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville revealed a technology never before seen by anyone around the world, or even to regions stretching as far as Ohio, for that matter. Mayor Dumbdumb held before the press the white substance in the shape of a ball that he said will be used as a projectile when military force is necessary. Venango County residents were shocked at the sight, seeing that the mayor of Titusville and self-declared president of East Crawford County had advanced his military beyond what Venango could ever imagine. Mayor Blunders of Oil City and self-declared president of Venango County assured the citizens that there is nothing to be afraid of, believing that summer will eventually come. "Salvation is just around the corner," said Mayor Blunders of Oil City. "In the coming months, the temperatures shall rise and the white substance shall cease. Until then, we just have to pray that the new revolutionary technology created by our nemesis of East Crawford will not be launched in our direction." Moments after his speech, Mayor Blunders turned and immediately became excited by the sight of snow on the ground. Several political leaders began chucking snowballs at one another for roughly ten minutes before someone reminded them that the threat of East Crawford is a national security issue and that playtime must not take the place of this priority. Venango County is working tirelessly to figure out how to use the strange white substance on the ground to their advantage in the Cold War with East Crawford. Experts say that the white substance may not stay very long, depending on how temperatures are maintained outdoors. Time is crucial if the military of Venango County wants to utilize this strange substance as a tool of defense against potential invaders at the northern border of Venango County.

What PennDOT has struggled to fix for the last three decades, the weather has resolved in a single day. Officials have announced for the first time that every pothole in the county is completely filled in by a white frozen substance that fell from the sky. According to sources, the substance is light, freezing, and solid when compacted thoroughly. Whether the fix is permanent depends on if the northern hemisphere can remain tilted away from the Sun. According to experts, this may be a tall order since the upper half of our Planet tends to lean that direction when Spring hits. With the fear that warm weather could destroy the cold substance, scientists are researching ways to ensure our Planet stays stationary for the remainder of 2026. This will ensure the potholes remain filled. Meanwhile, with weather finally accomplishing what we initially thought impossible, Mayor Blunders of Oil City is requesting data on what this white substance is that seems to resemble snow. Researchers at Venango Campus are working tirelessly in labs to analyze what plow trucks are struggling to keep off the road. The biggest barrier facing researchers is the dilemma of the substance shrinking before their eyes. Scientists have tried everything from turning up the heat, to placing the substance in a pot on the stove. Regardless of what they try, it keeps turning into water. Venango Campus researchers stand in shock at the white substance disappearing before their eyes. Photo courtesy of the Clarion Psych. "This technology is beyond our understanding." Mayor Blunders expressed in a press briefing today. "We must get to the bottom of this so that it doesn't fall into the hands of East Crawford!" Mayor Blunders discussing strange substance while enjoying Red Express snowcone. Photo courtesy of Explore Boredom. It fell into the hands of East Crawford..... Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville announced today the discovery of new weapons forged from the strange white substance that fell from the sky. With rising tensions between Venango and East Crawford, the county is fearful of an all out nuclear war. The last thing Venango needs is for Mayor Dumbdumb to discover new projectiles. Blunders is asking researchers at Venango Campus to do everything possible to shape the newly discovered element into the shape of a ball. Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville revealing new weapon. Photo courtesy of the Crawford Carnage. "If we can somehow turn this into a weapon, we will no longer have to depend on spitballs and Nerf darts." Blunders said to the press while beating a fly with a brick. "Our military budget is thin, but this element may turn the tide." Researchers are certain that the strange substance will be able to take alternative forms once they can stop it from melting. It is hard like a snowball when packed down correctly. They are confident that there must be a way to weaponize the remainder outside of the potholes. Until then, our security rests on the spitballs our treasury can afford.

It is a historic moment for Beaver and Elk County as both governments have officially agreed to ban hunters from crossing eachothers borders. This came after pressure from Venango County forced both presidents to make a peace treaty with each other. "It has been years of conflict between our regions." Says President Dambuilder of Beaver County. "The war has cost many lives on both sides of the equasion, and it was necessary to create a relationship that will avoid further conflict." By next week, President Bighorn of Elk County is expected to withdraw all hunters from the Beaver region. In exchange, both governments with release all prisoners from the local taxidermy's. "I just can't wait to see my bright friend Rhudolph." States an Elk who thinks his friend isn't stuffed. Tensions are expected to rise once every prisoner has been returned to their home county. Until then, each county will enjoy less than a week of no hunters in thier regions.

Mercer County is preparing defenses as Mayor Blunders threatens to potentially take Greenville. According to sources, Blunders has made several proposals to buy Greenville from Mercer County but has been turned down due to Oil City's failure to pay off thier loan for the traffic light. "We need those resources." Mayor Blunders said in a press briefing this morning. "We can siphon gas from thier pumps and sell it for an outrageous price." Greenville says that while they are tired of being under Mercers Monarchy, they do no see themselves as being integrated into the Venango States of America. Instead, the residents desire to be thier own independant nation. Mayor Blunders buckled down arguing that obtaining Greenville is essential for Western PA security. "Eastern Crawford eyes Greenville constantly." Blunders states. "If we don't take it, they will. We don't want East Crawford as a neighbor." In retaliation to this decree, the mayor of Titusville, capital of East Crawford, walked to the edge of his county border and dropped a lugin on our land. Venango has yet to clean up the spit left behind by the neighboring rivals. With threats to take Greenville by force, the Pensylvania Land and Treaty Organization (PLATO), says they will send troops in defense of Greenville. Clarion, Corey, Erie, and Lawerance County have combined forces by sending 4 men total to protect the small town. Negotiations will take place this week to hopefully avoid a ridiculous war. With Venango County completely broke, they probably will get nowhere. At the very least, you can expect Mayor Blunders to request a loan from Mercer to buy thier own land.