President Mayor Dambuilder of Beaver County has announced plans to send logs to the aid of Pittsburgh and Allegheny County. This came after a press briefing this morning, where Dambuilder expressed his desire to preserve a strong relationship with Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh. Entrenched outside the city limits, the forces representing the Venango County military are waiting to make their move. Nine-year-old Timmy, as well as Laurel and Hardy, who serve as Venango County's only soldiers, have been tasked with regaining Oil City's rotary phone and carrier pigeon. They are heavily armed with spitballs and muffin hand grenades. The Steel City is powerless against the spitballs of their northern foe. Already six soldiers have been struck in the face and reportedly succumbed to their rusty wounds. Since the city is made entirely of steel, as well as their citizens, natives of Pittsburgh are living in fear for their lives. Mayor Dambuilder has assured Pittsburgh that their logs are entirely waterproof and possess the same quality used to build dams. If defenses can be assembled fast enough, Venango County's artillery may be rendered useless against the Allegheny forces. In the meantime, soldiers representing Venango County are working out a strategy to attack Pittsburgh. We will keep you informed on this developing story.

The call for aid has been answered in the wake of West Crawford's invasion of Venango County. According to sources, Mayor Sockett of Grove City, capital of Mercer County, and Mayor Dogfood of Meadville, capital of West Crawford County, are sending soldiers to defend Oil City against the three enemy soldiers approaching Venango's capital. Additional reports state that a band of soldiers have bypassed Venango's industrial city of Pleasantville. To avoid the unpleasant eyesore, Warren County's military has chosen to go the long way through Forest County to reach Oil City's east side. President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America is warning citizens to be prepared for an onslaught never before seen in Western Pennsylvania history. While Venango County's military lays siege to Allegheny's capital of Pittsburgh in an attempt to get back Oil City's rotary phone. The citizens of Oil City stand defenseless while they wait for Mercer and West Crawford to arrive. Mayor Blunders is calling on the mayor of Franklin, capital of Southern Venango County, for monetary aid. Although money will do nothing to help Oil City at this time, Blunders still made the request because he wants to sound productive. Franklin says they will not answer the call to Oil City's aid for financial relief, since Oil City still owes them at least fifty dollars in loans. As for military aid, Franklin does not have any soldiers to spare, because they know that county wars are a ridiculous concept. Experts have warned that we cannot know the full intent of enemy soldiers progressing to Oil City. It is recommended that locals take shelter behind massive umbrellas until the siege is over.

Venango County is under attack by our two northern enemies. According to smoke signals received from Pleasantville, soldiers representing East Crawford and Warren County have crossed the border and are marching toward Oil City. The smoke signals have indicated that the soldiers representing Warren County have bypassed the industrial city of Pleasantville. Rather than enduring the eyesore, it seems that they have chosen to go the long way. Meanwhile, East Crawford forces are moving down the stretch of Route 8, preparing to lay siege to Oil City's north side. Armed with spitballs and muffin hand grenades, Oil City has no defenses because our entire military was sent to attack Pittsburgh. Mayor Blunders has called Mayor Dogfood of Meadville and Mayor Sockett of Grove City, requesting that aid be sent immediately. Additionally, Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney, capital of Jefferson County, has also been called with the request to send all the groundhogs he can spare. Once again, Venango County finds themselves at the center of conflict never before seen, in what experts are already predicting to be the beginning of County War II. Of course, we're so sick and tired of giving coverage of these mass county wars, we probably won't take it that far.

The war with Allegheny has now progressed to its capital of Pittsburgh. The soldiers making up the Allegheny military have successfully retreated to their homeland with oil cities, rotary phone, and carrier pigeon. Now the three military members making up the Venango County military are laying siege to the city, preparing to fire spitballs upon the steel structures. The war has been costly for Allegheny, with at least six of their soldiers reportedly taking spitballs to the face. Several of them have succumbed to rust. Meanwhile, in Oil City, President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America has successfully installed the rotary phone, gifted by Mayor Rebel of Westmoreland County. Together they plan to attack the city of Pittsburgh via telecommunication. The war first began because Blunders would not stop calling Mayor Steelhead about changing the name of the Allegheny River to the Gulf of Venango. After more than a year of receiving these calls, Mayor Steelhead sent the Pittsburgh military to take Oil City's rotary phone away from them. Westmoreland learned of this act of aggression and responded by gifting Oil City with a new rotary phone. The phone is now hooked up and a barrage of phone calls will commence shortly. In Westmoreland County, a similar objective is at hand. While Oil City blows up Mayor Steelhead's phone about the Allegheny River, Mayor Rebel will commence his own barrage of phone calls about gaining more land westward to help increase the size of Westmoreland. Mayor Servanthood of Butler states that this attack on Pittsburgh will not go unaddressed and that he will send troops to help defend Allegheny if Venango does not withdraw. In a press briefing today, Blunders responded to Mayor Servanthood, stating that if he does not stand down, the Venango County southern border wall will gain another two-by-four. Currently, it only has one two-by-four sticking out of the ground to keep residents from crossing into Venango County. Blunders believes that another two-by-four will intimidate Butler County, even though it won't.

If ever you find yourself visiting the city of forgotten purpose, be prepared for what you may see at Titusville's Max Security Prison. The exact whereabouts of this location remain anonymous due to the dangerous nature of the facility's inhabitants. Additionally, the corner of East Central and South Brown Street are incredibly busy compared to other sections of Titusville that would make for an inconvenient detour. Our journalists in the field were given leads as to the exact coordinates of this despicable eyesore. Although warning signs posted all around the premises informed outsiders to keep their distance, our reporters mustered up the courage to come within feet of the outer limits, capturing photographic depictions of what exists on the inside. Viewer discretion is advised. The section of the facility running alongside Central Avenue is heavily fortified, with a massive stone wall, possessing caged windows. Experts state that this barrier is very similar to some of the German POW camps, which existed during World War II. On the outer edges of the facility, security becomes more lax, with flimsy fencing, failing to possess razor wire on top. Some of this fencing has signs warning of security cameras. Experts believe these cameras are meant to intimidate escapees with the knowledge they're being filmed. It is hard to see, but above the brown stained football field, there are watch towers with armed guardsmen. At first, our reporters thought to depart for fear of being shot. However, after observing closely, it became clear that the guards also play for the Titusville football team. Once it was determined that the projectiles never hit their targets, our journalists chose to stay. Around noon, prisoners exited a tiny building on the west end and began walking around the fenced-in area. We believe this was likely their leisure time. Moments later, a bus pulled up to the north side fence, where several prisoners were transferred into the facility. We must admit, we didn't think much of the Oil City football team the first time we laid eyes on them. Looked like a stiff breeze would blow them over. That was our first impression of the team. One might think that the see through fence makes it easier to understand what the prisoners endure. Unfortunately, we still have no idea what these torture devices are used for. We wanted to get a complete understanding as to why this prison chooses ugly brown colors that resemble rust. Unfortunately, we could only guess that the awful fashion design comes from living so close to rednecks who never wash the grease off their face after fixing their cars. Fortunately, we escaped this prison even though it's existence leave more unanswered questions.

The Battle of the Rotary Phone is exhibiting mixed results between progress and a deviation from the preferred goal. While Venango pushes toward the capital of Allegheny to regain their telecommunication devices, Butler's military has successfully pushed the soldiers of Clarion into Armstrong County. Nine-year-old Timmy has been working hard alongside Laurel and Hardy, the three of which make up the Venango County military. After surpassing Butler's border patrol and pressing into the city of Butler, they now find themselves outside of Allegheny's capital of Pittsburgh, where they hope to cut off the enemy's access to natural resources. Meanwhile, the soldiers representing Clarion County's military are now being forced south because of the superior weaponry Butler soldiers possess in fine linens. Although Clarion's textbooks are blunt weapons, the soldiers have chosen not to throw them for fear of damaging the bindings. The superiority of fine linen dipped in water is overwhelming the soldiers of Clarion, who are now retreating to the southern portion of Armstrong County. Should Armstrong County disapprove of their presence, they will be forced even further south into Westmoreland, which will increase the unlikelihood of them returning back to Clarion. Venango County still has an abundant supply of spitballs and muffin hand grenades. Despite Allegheny soldiers being made entirely of metal, the spitballs are proving effective, as they cause the opposing soldiers' faces to rust instantly. Should they choose to fire upon the city of Pittsburgh, Allegheny must then decide where to find shelter. Thier entire city is made of metal, so there is certain to be casualties. Currently, Venango is encamped on the north side of Pittsburgh, just south of Cranberry. It is uncertain when they will choose to fire upon the capital. There are no reports as to whether Mayor Steelhead, President of Allegheny County, will be evacuated. All we can confirm is that the rotary phone and pigeon are still in the hands of the enemy soldiers.

News from the battlefield reveals that the Venango County military has successfully driven Allegheny troops back to their homeland. Which, when you consider the mission of taking back Oil City's rotary phone and carrier pigeon, could technically constitute as a failure on the part of our troops. Nonetheless, President Mayor Blunders has announced to the public victory in the Battle of Butler. Because the Allegheny troops fled to where they were fleeing to, our soldiers are now taking credit for driving troops away from an area they were trying to leave. A celebration is now being held by the citizens of Venango County, who seem to have forgotten the state of emergency due to the armies of East Crawford and Warren preparing to cross the border. With Venango County having no military to defend the capital of Oil City, the citizens making up the county are merely sitting ducks, waiting for a siege to begin. In Butler, the troops who failed to take back Oil City's rotary phone and carrier pigeon are holding a brief celebration for Allegheny's continual retreat. This celebration will soon be cut short, as they must determine how they will surpass the Butler military, who is blocking their way back to Venango. President Mayor Blunders has assembled a team tasked with installing a rotary phone recently gifted by Westmoreland County. If installed successfully, Blunders will be calling the rest of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization for aid in case of an attack by our northern enemies. Mayor Dogfood of Meadville, capital of West Crawford, is expected to join the fight alongside Mayor Socket of Grove City, capital of Mercer. The Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization has an agreement that an attack on one county is an attack on all. If not for the poor communication between them and the low budget available, they would be consistent with following this standard of defending one another. Currently, Clarion's three military members have joined the fight in Butler by sheer coincidence of being in the exact same location. Clarion's military has been lost in Butler for several months after they were asked to return home by the allies in the Battle of Franklin. Despite making a wrong turn and getting lost in the county of Butler, Clarion's troops are now rejoined with their allies in Venango and will help in whatever way they can to defeat the Butler military. Butler's two military men are currently stationed on the northern side of town. They are armed with fine linens, capable of scratching a person's skin when submerged in water and whipped with force. Venango's military is armed with muffin hand grenades and spitballs, which, when doused on the wrong tongue, has the potential to give enemy soldiers COVID. Clarion's military is armed with textbooks, which do absolutely nothing to help them in the fight. While the Venango County military pursues the enemy in the nation of Allegany, Clarion troops will take on the mission of driving Butler's military out of their region to create an open passage back to Venango.

On the battlefield, north of Main Street, the Venango County military finds themselves surrounded. Allegheny soldiers are encamped in the center of Butler's capital, of Butler, with Butler County soldiers blocking Venango soldiers' passage on the north side of town. Venango's infantry is surrounded, with all three members doing what they can to conserve their spitballs and muffin hand grenades. Meanwhile, to the east, a familiar group of men surface on a foggy morning. The battalion, making up the Clarion County military, march down Jefferson Street toward Little Timmy, who has been assigned the mission of getting back Venango County's rotary phone and carrier pigeon. The Clarion soldiers, who were armed with college-level textbooks, have been lost in Butler since County War One. During the Second Battle of Franklin, they were ordered to go home because of their incompetence and accidentally wound up in the wrong county. For the first time in months, these three figures, representing Mayor Intellect's army of Clarion, have found their way to familiar faces. Although Clarion County is not directly engaged in a conflict with Butler or Allegheny, the soldiers have agreed to fight, after mistakenly thinking Venango soldiers are their own. The Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, which consists of Mercer, West Crawford, Venango, Forest, Clarion, and Jefferson County, have agreed in their treaty that an attack on one county is an attack on all. Although the Clarion County soldiers are not aware of the situation, there is, from one perspective, an obligation for them to join in on the fight, since Allegheny captured Venango County's rotary phone and carrier pigeon. Butler's role in this is also somewhat controversial, since Clarion doesn't necessarily have any beef with them. Technically, Venango and Clarion are trespassing, making this an act of aggression. The end result has yet to be seen. Venango County's spitballs combined with Clarion's textbooks must stand against the towls of Butler and steel beams of Allegheny. The question now remains who has the upper hand.

Venango County's recently hired bike messenger has been apprehended at the border of Butler, where two opposing military members have been stationed to guard the border wall. According to sources, the messenger was supposed to go by another route, but accidentally made a wrong turn on Oneida Valley Road just before he fell into enemy hands. The bike messenger is facing minor wounds after enemy soldiers knocked him off his bicycle by smacking him with a towel. Negotiations are now being made to free the prisoner, despite the fact that Oil City has nothing of value to give. Meanwhile, the telegram sent to warn Laurel and Hardy of East Crawford's potential invasion has fallen into the hands of Butler soldiers. We are learning that the Border Patrol is now moving southward to prevent Laurel and Hardy from re-entering Venango County. Butler's recent military movements Although Laurel and Hardy are armed with state-of-the-art spitball launchers, the Butler military men are skilled in deflecting projectiles with their quality linens. While the apprehended bike messenger politely waits at the border wall for his captors to return, Venango County's military has no idea they are about to be attacked from the north. Experts expect a standoff to take place on the opposite side of where Venango soldiers have been standing off the last three days. This means Venango's entire reginmemt will be sandwiched between the Butler County military and the Allegheny military, leaving Oil City with no forces to defend against East Crawford, should they choose to invade. So far, there are no fatalities between the nations of Butler, Venango, and Allegheny. All that can be determined is that Mayor Blunders' endeavor to get back Oil City's rotary phone may have cost Venango their national security.

The departure of the Venango County military has left the northern front completely unguarded. According to sources, Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville, capital of East Crawford, is assembling soldiers, numbering about two men, for a potential invasion on Venango County soil. The report of the enemy's assembly came via telegram to our offices at the crumbling Catholic church. With times being so difficult, we were unable to tip the bicycle rider. It seems that Dumbdumb may be preparing for an invasion on the capital of Oil City. If successful, he could topple any hope for a revival of oil refineries. Holy crap, now we're living in denial.... Mayor Blunders has been led to the lower levels of City Hall to protect himself from the enemy. Word is now being sent to Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County military. Unfortunately, it will take days since they still don't have their carrier pigeon. While 9 year old Timmy continues his mission to gain the pigeon back from Allegheny, communication must be sent by telegram.

A spitball fight between the Venango military and Allegheny soldiers has left four men wounded on the enemy side. According to sources, a barrage of spitballs rained down on the Allegheny military at 5 p.m. Monday, forcing several of them to seek shelter. Each wound is reportedly curable, as the enemy soldiers have only noted rust marks on their faces. One soldier comments that although they are made entirely of steel, a continual barrage of spitballs could cause them to move less stealthily, as it could cause their joints to squeak in the process. Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh has reached out to the City of Warren, requesting that oil cans be sent to his soldiers immediately, with the exchange of steel beams. Fossilfuel, who is in conflict with Venango County for their attempt to siphon Warren's oil, states that he will gladly send whatever is necessary to help soldiers fighting the Venango cause. Venango County's youngest military member, nine-year-old Timmy, has already driven the Allegheny military to the center of the city and is progressing his way south in an attempt to regain Venango's telecommunication device. Mayor Blunders of Oil City states that getting back Venango's rotary phone and carrier pigeon is a top priority if the county is to successfully rename the Allegheny River to the Gulf of Venango. The fight has just begun. The Venango military is only at a third of their strength on the front lines. However, Blunders' decision to send Laurel and Hardy to the crisis is leaving Venango unprotected. For the time being, our northern borders are unwatched, with East Crawford and Warren having the potential to invade. With the absence of our military, there are questions as to whether or not the cause is worth the sacrifice.

The Firefighter Challenge U.S. National Championship is facing backlash after pictures surfaced revealing a dummy violating Title 18, Section 3127 of the Pennsylvania Consolidated Statutes. According to witnesses, the dummy was observed outside of the Voodoo Bar and Grill with his rear end completely exposed for anyone walking by. This means that the mannequin may be subject to consequences for committing indecent exposure. The dummy has not been identified. After the image surfaced, observers noted that the mannequin seemed unfazed by the fact his pants were ripped in the back. Police were notified of the situation but have not revealed if an arrest has been made. The Voodoo Bar and Grill has also not commented on the matter, despite claims that the exposed dummy may be close friends with the owner of the establishment. While it has not been confirmed, many state that the owner may be the Reaper disguised as a fireman. For more information on the context of this joke, ask the owner of the establishment. “I was appalled by the sight of an exposed dummy outside of the Voodoo Bar and Grill,” states one woman walking by with her six-year-old son. “I don't want my son to know what a plastic butt looks like. This was incredibly inappropriate.” To make matters worse, the dummy appears to have his hands bound and feet broken in other pictures that have surfaced. A full investigation is being performed by individuals who have no power in this situation. Although this will accomplish nothing, it will hopefully set the public's mind at ease. In the meantime, all instances of a naked mannequin are to be reported to the Nude Mannequin Hotline. Please call Jenny at 8675309 to make a report and help get these things off the street. Authorities will send ice immediately to cover the mannequins. This just in: Ice is on American soil.... that's a 15 year old joke....