The secret space shuttle hangar on the East 10th Street parking garage was unexpectedly revealed to the public when the entry point became stuck in mid-December. Consequently, the city of Erie has worked hard to prevent people from flying their spaceships into the entryway of the hangar. The Erie City Parking Authority has informed the public several times that the space hangar was privately rented out to the Erie Space Authority for the sake of using its vehicles for emergency purposes. Since the secret has gotten out that the hangar exists, pilots have requested permission to land inside the hangar, going so far as to defy communications that prohibit the action. “I feel like we just need to seal it up and treat it like a wall,” states Luke Skywalker of Erie, Pennsylvania. “This is just like Beggars Canyon back home.” Captain Kirk, founder and CEO of the privately owned emergency service, also weighed in on the issue, stating that prior to this incident, he was utilizing the hangar to house his multi-billion-dollar space probe. Now, he has to settle for an Enterprise rent-a-car. “I haven’t been able to fit my ship inside the hangar because of all these Erie residents that trespass on the private property I’ve rented,” states Captain Kirk. “Last week, I had to call the police on Darth Vader. Only he could be so bold.” The housing and parking crisis of Erie, Pennsylvania makes the trespass understandable. Nonetheless, it is private property, making the violation unjustified for space travelers. Authorities have warned that anybody parking their spaceship inside the hangar will be tried and dipped into any section of Lake Erie populated with E. coli. As for the hangar, until it can be determined what course of action will be taken, a tiny strip of wire has been placed outside to zap any ships that attempt to enter. The wire itself is not holding up the door, like it may seem. The door is just stuck. However, any spaceship that comes into contact with the wire will be immediately disintegrated and sent to hell.

The city of Erie has created an initiative to determine whether nonprofit organizations are plentiful enough to address nonprofit needs. According to sources, the identity of nonprofit organizations that make up the greater Erie area is one people can't get enough of. Consequently, Mayor Paranoia of Erie, Pennsylvania has instructed city officials to form a task force in the form of a nonprofit organization to study how many more nonprofits the region needs. “We could really use another nonprofit,” states Mayor Paranoia of Erie. “The creepy nature of our town justifies the implementation of more services to address mental health issues that plague our community. Not to mention, taxes keep going up for some reason, making it necessary for us to make more jobs in the form of non-profitable organizations.” The first organization to be considered after the implementation of a nonprofit researching nonprofits will be one religious group, consisting of men who cannot predict the future. This will be another nonprofit organization. Following this, Erie will research whether or not it needs another entity to raise money for local nonprofits. This organization will be not-for-profit, despite using some funds it raises to continue existing as a non-profit. The final organization to be researched by the new nonprofit will be the potential creation of a nonprofit that helps people turn their properties into nonprofits to help avoid property tax. With taxes being raised as a result of 30% of properties in Erie consisting of nonprofits, the new nonprofit, rising from the other nonprofit that researches nonprofits, will help locals turn their land into nonprofit entities, therefore helping locals avoid taxes as they identify as nonprofit. This story brought to you by the Venango Republic, a non-profit news organization whose stories are completely free because we don't know how to make a profit.

It was tasked with the responsibility of protecting the Allegheny from potential flooding. A simple float in the water, joined by several other floats, to do what man in his mortal body is not capable of doing, to withstand frigid temperatures and cold water, to fight back the forces of cold-hearted evil. "I am shocked by what I see," states Elsa Nacho, a local Wiccan who specializes in the winter solstice. "I work my hardest to make sure that the ice stays firm throughout the winter so that it naturally breaks off in a manner that is safe and secure. I cannot guarantee that the ice will hold the way it's supposed to, which is why we need those floats in place." The float that surfaced is named Bob, because that pun makes sense. More than a week ago, he went missing, leaving many to believe that he was swept away by the overwhelming ice proportions. Locals thought about searching for Bob, believing that he could surface above the water and return with their aid. All of a sudden, he appeared out of nowhere, resting on the ice, as if he's befriended the evil substance. Bob resting on ice unaware he is being watched Word has reached residents of townships all across the western Pennsylvania region. All are enraged to learn that the ice-breaking catastrophe was likely caused by one float that decided not to stick to his task. "He was made for a purpose," states Jack Frost of Erie, Pennsylvania. "I'm technically Canadian, but I know for a fact that he signed up for a lifelong responsibility. Since he's inanimate, that lifetime means eternity. He's a deserter by trade." No public defender has agreed to take the defense of this flotation device but one Jake Horking Kake, who currently has the worst record of anyone in the region. According to Horking Kake, laziness "is justified when one prefers to just go with the flow." This is a very odd statement coming from one who has never floated in his life. Jake Horking Kake on a cordless phone Police are hoping to take the flotation device into custody as soon as they can figure out how not to fall through the ice. If nabbed before the ice breaks again, the flotation device will be held accountable for the floods that devastated a few basements along the riverbank. "I would say we should sail him up the river," states one prosecutor. "Unfortunately, I think that's exactly what he wanted, and we can't give him that satisfaction." Experts believe he won't get that satisfaction because he is inanimate, and inanimate objects cannot be satisfied.... Get your mind out of the gutter!

The last word was a misspelling. Clarion was not struck with a plague. What we meant to report is that one of the teachers at the university was hit in the head with a plaque commemorating his years of being on staff. The Venango County Military has successfully driven East Crawford out of Oil City. Unfortunately, it has come at the cost of driving them into the neighboring city of Cranberry Township. The dilemma facing each military is that East Crawford is sandwiched between the allies of Venango and West Crawford. West Crawford is inferior to East Crawford. This means that when the superior militia of Venango County pushes East Crawford away, there is a chain reaction causing West Crawford to be driven back as well. The following graph simplifies this matter by showing how the militaries would move if they were lined up on a chalkboard. Currently, the West Crawford military is utilizing the potholes in the Clarion Mall parking lot to help defend the capital building, which shares space with the Cranberry Mall. Mayor Blunders of Oil City is inside the mall praying that the ceiling does not fall on him. Meanwhile, the Clarion County Military is still engaging the single troop that broke off from the East Crawford Military to attack Route 8 toward Franklin. Clarion has held strong, only giving up 98 percent of Route 8. They are expected to completely fold by morning, giving the enemy access to Franklin, which would afford East Crawford a direct route to Meadville. East Crawford in red, Clarion in yellow, Venango in teal, West Crawford in dark blue Jefferson County has done nothing for the war effort since warning the Venango County front lines that they were compromised. They would do more, but we completely forgot to include them in the storyline. We’ll probably just send them back home until something interesting happens.

A Shippenville man is in hot water after taking more than a day to pay his speeding ticket. According to sources, Ivan Hoeleecow sped through Shippenville at a rate of 40 miles per hour before being pulled over by a state trooper. The officer approached the vehicle cautiously. Upon arriving, the window went down. The officer verbalized something reporters could not decipher. This was just before the vehicle operator handed over what looked like his license, registration, and proof of insurance. The officer was heard telling the driver that he would return in a moment. After going to his vehicle and typing something on his computer, the state trooper returned to the car to hand the driver his documents. The officer then allegedly proceeded to write out what appeared to be a ticket of some sort before wishing the driver a good day. Both the officer and the driver parted ways. There were no injuries at the scene of the crime. 5 people are dead for dramatic effect. Reports say that the driver paid his ticket in full a day later. After several attempts to reach out for comment, the driver still has not made any official statement. The public is outraged and probably will shame him for eternity. Meanwhile, we got our clicks.

"We've been trying to resolve this for weeks," states one business owner on Liberty Street, who claims he keeps waking up in November of 2025. "I took down these decorations last night and woke up to find them exactly where they were before." The City of Franklin widely argues that they are in a Groundhog Day dilemma. In this case, however, it is more like a post-Thanksgiving prison. Several business owners claim that they keep waking up to Christmas decor and advertisements for the upcoming Light Up Night, which took place more than three months ago. Another business owner states that he's had to seek therapy after the downtown region provoked unwanted anticipation. "Christmas is another 10 months away, but we keep seeing promises that it's just around the corner. That gets us excited until we realize it still is not coming. That messes with you, man." Many of the businesses on one side of the street are still showing expressions of enthusiastic Christmas cheer. Contrarily, they are growing weary wishing it would finally come. Northwest Bank, a corporate financial chain, also has succumb to the holiday crisis. Meanwhile, on the opposite side of Liberty Street, a majority of businesses look like they put in the most minimal effort possible to acknowledge Christmas is real, but to also suggest, they don't want to decorate. Some businesses have tried poisoning their artificial plants, hoping it would end the curse of the never-ending Christmas season. These businesses state that they used weed killer on these plants this morning. They assure us by tomorrow they will be completely green again. It's not just the business owners that are facing this difficulty. According to city officials, the park has had its decorations removed 12 times since January 1st. Every day, they are finding their lifeless plants cluttered with the same kinds of Christmas lights they keep removing. Zoom to see unlit lights According to the mayor of Franklin, he believes that someone has put a curse on the town, or that perhaps there is a creature with spider-like abilities that can shoot Christmas decor over everything it sees. "I believe someone has put a curse on the town, or that perhaps there is a creature with spider-like abilities that can shoot Christmas decor over everything it sees," states the mayor of Franklin, who did not actually say this. With the town being under a curse that it has never before seen, several residents are asking what the source of the repetitious Christmas season must be. Some have speculated it is due to the giant advertisement for Light Up Night similar to what we trolled last year. According to the owner, who put up the sign, she has removed it every day since the Christmas season ended because she didn't want to be trolled again this year. That's actually not true. She didn't really say that. We made it up. Residents don't believe this one bit since the sign on the side seems to imply Franklin will be stuck in 2025 forever. Look close... "ALWAYS 25" Frustration is weighing on those residing on Liberty Street. With the outskirts of town not facing this dilemma to the same extent, some have started to rebel against what they call the Christmas Curse Giver. Keep knocking it over Trails! The Ghost of Christmas Present will not prevail! Unfortunately, the tree keeps standing up again on its own every morning, fully decorated, showing once again that this is an eternal cycle. "I just want it to be normal again," the mayor expressed to the media. "It's hard to be excited for something that's coming next month, even though you know it's not going to happen." A resolution to the Christmas curse of Franklin is not guaranteed. As the town waits and hopes for the terror of a repetitious season to end, they will continue fighting to remove the joy that should only be reserved for December.

Mayor Blunders of Oil City and self-declared president of the Venango States of America performed his first-ever state of the Union address in the McDonald’s in Cranberry Township outside of Seneca. The reason for the relocation is due to the ongoing war with East Crawford on the edge of Oil City. East Crawford invaded the north side of Oil City several weeks ago and has since driven West Crawford up Seneca Hill. Subjects ranged from foreign policy with neighboring counties to local issues such as the deportation of undocumented Chihuahuas. Mayor Blunders broke the record for the longest speech ever given at a State of the Union address, primarily because this was the first-ever address given to the Venango States of America. All twenty members of the Venango County House of Representatives attended the meeting, with the Speaker of the House, the mayor’s sister, refusing to stand primarily because she does not like her brother. Every other member of the House stood for every significant point made by Mayor Blunders, even if they disagreed. Mayor Blunders had installed a button in his podium with an activated thumbtack rising from each seat when it was time for them to give him praise. Mayor Blunders cited the success of his tariffs on surrounding counties in the western Pennsylvania region. According to Blunders, the tariffs imposed on major counties such as Allegheny have been a major part of the Venango States recovery. Although Pittsburgh has failed to pay a single tariff due to the fact that they do not trade with Venango County, Blunders still insisted that Venango County has made billions off the tariffs he imposed last year. Attempts to steal Warren’s oil were brought to a halt more than a week ago after the county of Warren dropped diapers on the industrial city of Tionesta in Forest County. Nonetheless, Mayor Blunders insisted that the halt on constructing the Lockrock Pipeline was only a major setback. According to Mayor Blunders, they had to stop anyway because they could not afford any more straws to build the pipe. The moon landing, which Mayor Blunders insists took place in December, was a subject of pride for the townships making up the Venango States of America. Mayor Blunders initiated the VASA program last year after Titusville successfully launched a toy rocket off the ground, reaching an altitude of ten feet. Once Titusville announced they had been to space through their TASA program, Mayor Blunders declared that the Venango States were going to shoot for the moon. Despite criticism suggesting that the moon landing was faked, Mayor Blunders insisted at the State of the Union address that the "blocks of cheese brought back in an Aldi bag by his astronauts were a symbol of the hard effort put forth to reach what once seemed like an unachievable goal." The secession from the United States of America last year plummeted Venango County into the classification of a tenth-world country. Mayor Blunders spoke briefly about the financial crisis during his State of the Union address, suggesting that if decline was progress, then the Venango state would be the most thriving country in the world. After observing the audience’s failure to stand and applaud, Mayor Blunders asked "how could you not stand for that?" He later realized he had forgotten to push the button ejecting the thumbtacks. To close out the evening, Mayor Blunders awarded the highest civilian honor to Coach Numbskull of the Oil City Oil Spills. Despite Numbskull’s failure to convince the NFL to accept his team for the 2026 season, Numbskull continued to meet with his team week by week in an open cornfield. With no opposition ever showing up, Numbskull declared that his 0-0-0 record made his team the first undefeated team in the modern era. While attempting to make it to the Super Bowl, Numbskull’s team became stuck in Ohio underneath a bridge. Upon learning that the Super Bowl had already ended, Numbskull assumed Oil City won the Superbowl by default. Mayor Blunders awarded him the most expensive trophy Venango County could afford for his Super Bowl victory. Last night’s State of the Union address brought another award for Coach Numbskull: the Venango County Congressional Medal of Freedom, which is actually just a coupon for one free hamburger from McDonald’s. In an attempt to win the approval of Congress, Mayor Blunders also provided each member with a 20% off McDonald’s coupon. Several members stood up and clapped because he remembered to hit the button this time. The mayor’s sister, who hates his guts, tore her coupon in half while sarcastically clapping in rage. Mayor Blunders sister tears coupon to protest rising prices on fountain drinks Last night marked the first-ever State of the Union address for the Venango States of America. The nation is less than a year old and remains the only one unrecognized by the rest of the world. Mayor Blunders stated that he is proud of the achievements and what he describes as the long history of his independent nation.

Abandoned trash has become the epitome of rundown neighborhoods in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. According to sources, small communities in the Pittsburgh region have considered relocating to Homewood, since the killers at least try to clean up their mess there. Recent studies find that for every baby born, at least six couches are left on a hillside. While this has technically made areas look hideous, experts agree it has solved the housing crisis for pests like bedbugs. In response, city officials have tried to organize groups to clean one hill at a time. Unfortunately, while they clean one hill at a time, violators trash three more at a time. Resolving the matter has been met with odds mathematically in favor of turning the town into a compost pile. Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh addressed the issue of trashed areas in a press briefing this morning. He assured his listeners that the trash crisis is under control but then removed the banana peel from his microphone since nobody could hear him. Mayor Steelhead addresses rising concerns of trash dumping Journalists were extremely displeased with the conditions of the press area. Because this was an outdoor briefing, they settled for one of the couches decomposing on the street. Somehow, Pittsburgh skyline was behind them and the mayor at the same time.... 🤷‍♂️ Meanwhile, the mayor announced his plans to resolve everything with a new executive order that would require all trash dumpers to place free signs next to their discarded furniture. “This battle has gone on long enough,” Mayor Steelhead expressed. “This is a solution for two major concerns. First, we will resolve the trash crisis. Second, we will draw tourists desperate for free furniture.” By next week, Steelhead anticipates an overflow of tourism coming to take the trash away. The first fifteen customers will be directed to the ones without the bedbugs.

It's like Nickleback on inflation. A woman wants to give a 20 back, and another one thinks it's best to waste hundreds more on attorney's. Meanwhile, like the band, we think the drama is over rated. Nickleback became hated in the early 2000s after a comedian on television emphasized his hate for the band. Somehow, one mans subjective opinion turned into a worldwide trend of people hating a band just because they were told to. In this case, nobody is telling you to hate this story. You probably just naturally do. How is it news worthy for someone to pick up a 20 dollar bill, pay for her groceries with it, then recieve a summons to appear in court? Ask Explore Nothing, the media outlet that prides itself on "high quality local news" as stated by its beloved CEO... Comment on his own post I'm sure they work extremely hard. In an area with nothing interesting to report, you have to work hard to justify your existence. Even if what you post gets you ridiculed in the comment section, you at least have traffic coming to your site. A 65 year old woman says she picked a bill up off the ground thinking it fell from her pocket. The woman who initially dropped it 15 minutes beforehand is convinced this is a case of theft. Meanwhile, the region is reading this thinking "why can't you two meet somewhere and work this out?" Because it's Clarion! We have nothing to keep us entertained but drugs and the mistakes made by those who use them! Explore Nothing had no issues identifying the 65 year old who picked up the bill. As for the one who initially left it, they only identify her as the "victim" mainly because they probably have never read a dictionary. What was that you said about "high quality news?" Needless to say, the so called "victim" couldn't resist identifying herself... We agree, you do not have to defend yourself. Just one question please; why did you defend yourself after saying you don't feel like you have to? I can just see explore Clarion asking themselves "why did we even bother keeping her anonymous?" She doesn't stop there... Wait a minute! Just wait! Why aren't you calling the police on him?!?!?!? I feel like some disgruntled old man breathing down your neck seems like a much bigger problem than a 65 year old woman trying everything possible to give your 20 bucks back! This matter is a complete mystery. I would love to hear you explain how the loss of twenty dollars caused you to forget about the old man grumbling behind you. Go on... you suffer from.... ..... I'm still trying to figure out what the man was mumbling under his breath..... That seems pretty traumatizing. At least enough to forget the 20. I have to admit, I'm not always on board with the mental health labels. I don't know this woman personally. I can't judge that claim. What I can say as someone working in and studying this field is that it's not always a legitimate escuse. When a child obsesses over something small, parents typically teach them how to grow up through it. Eventually, if a child reaches a certain age and still obsesses over small things, they are labeled immature. Why such behavior suddenly becomes mental health after a certain age, I have no idea. Even if you have CPTSD, that doesn't explain why the wildly illogical expensive court process is being chosen over taking your 20 back. The way you try and relate trauma to this 20 dollar loss, you'd think the 65 year old attacked you with the bill. I'm pretty sure that didn't happen. But what do I know? I only study mental health... The comments don't end. People asking reasonable questions get ignored. People triggering her with direct accusations face the wrath of her taking screenshots of their wall.... OH NO! NOT THE TEN COMMANDMENTS! What a blow to her accusers... You know you've had it in when your opposition quotes from the book that describes a God who exercises mercy towards those repentant of such mistakes.... I am curious why she left out the verses about God demanding we walk in grace, love, mercy and forgiveness..... She's not with the Westboro Baptists. At this point, you're probably wondering why I am not assessing the 65 year old facing charges. Believe me, I have. She came across my article prior to this and reached out to me with an account using a different name. The only thing that gave her away was that her account used the same name.... It was spelled slightly different.... Eventually she admitted to being the woman and agreed to an hour interview. I haven't seen the video and can't guarantee one way or another if she deliberately picked up the bill, or genuinely thought it fell from her pocket. What I can guarantee is that the owner of the bill hasn't seen the footage either and that the only thing keeping her from getting her money back are the pending charges. The 65 year old states she has tried to give back the money but has been told she can't while the charges are pending. It's easy to blame the police, but legally, they probably can't do anything since the pending charges are making this a court issue. It's not their job to keep these people out of court. It's their job to enforce the law. Unfortunately, that means a simple meeting to exchange money is turning into an unnecessary legal battle. If the 65 year old is seen deliberately picking up the bill in the footage, she will likely be guilty. On the other hand, if her excuse is validated, the owner will look ridiculous for escalating an issue that technically doesn't have to go this far, even if the 65 year old is guilty... You could just take your money back... It's funny that for how easily this woman dropped a 20 dollar bill, she seems to be struggling to drop unnecessary charges. You litterally can get your money back today! I don't know if that will happen though given a pattern we have seen in recent years... All the rapists in our world and she is the scum of the Earth! How low can you go and still have prices trigger you? Survey says... Wow! Even at the sale price she's livid! Oh, don't challenge her when her items are stolen. You don't want to wind up like this guy.... Who justified them stealing? And how does your comment earn 17 likes versus his angry, shock, and laugh emoji's? Yes! How dare you minimize this matter to less than 13.99? The police take 20 bucks serious. Why shouldn't they go 6 dollars less? With how much she gets robbed of minute possessions, I have to wonder if she's ever going to achieve a down-payment on an outhouse. STOP LOSING THINGS! EVERYONE IS AFRAID THEY MIGHT FIND IT! Obviously, we are not safe with objects out in public. Anything can belong to this woman. Even the phone you're holding right now! We must do something to protect the common man from accidentally picking up one of her possessions and becoming a thief by default. We have no choice but to label everything that isn't hers as "not" hers. But what shall we call this woman? Well, according to Google, her name is defined as.... Yeah.... We're not using those... Let's just label everything "not hers." I like this! Now I can shop at Walmart without the fear of becoming a thief. I wonder if we can do this at Barnes and Noble.... YES!!!!!!!!!!! Now I can improve myself without fear!!!! I'm not mocking mental health. The bill owner claims she has CPTSD. Ironically, she's pressing charges against a woman who politely wants to give the bill back after admitting a creepy guy stood behind her with bad vibes. It seems like the real traumatizing person is being ignored here. You can save on lawyers, tax dollars, time, get your 20 back, and invest all those resources in finding this creep that mumbled dangerously behind your back. I think we need to take him seriously. Even more so than.... Wait.... We have just received footage from the $20 incident at register 3... Dear Lord, she is evil! Everyone, protect your 20s!

The nation of Washington County is creating a stir in the Southwestern Pennsylvania region after demanding complete ownership of Mount Washington in Pittsburgh. According to sources, Mayor George Washington of Washington Township, capital of Washington County, told the press this morning that Washington County is prepared to do whatever is necessary to gain control of Mount Washington in Pittsburgh. Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh, capital of Allegheny County, states that he does not intend to surrender control of the mountain, as it acts as an extra elevation to make the city feel “closed in.” Steelhead stands before the press “The City of Pittsburgh prides itself on feeling like an anxiety attack for claustrophobics,” states Mayor Steelhead. “We could just as easily rename the mountain to keep the peace.” Mayor George Washington of Washington County responded to the suggestion of changing the mountain’s name in disgust. According to Washington, the hill was named in honor of the Washington legacy for its Washington appeal. Mount Washington in Pittsburgh Secretary of State in Washington County, Mr. George Washington, states that Mayor Washington is on point when it comes to the mountain’s significance to the county of Washington County. Though it is unheard of for a county to possess land separate from its borders, Washington states that the legacy of Washington is significant enough to justify ownership of the mountain. Congress met today to discuss the matter of how to pressure Steelhead to surrender the mountain officially. No official decision has been made about what pressure to place on Pittsburgh. Participants in the debate made little progress due to confusion about which Washington was which. Name tags are being created to resolve the confusion, with each depicting the names of each individual. Washington County congress debate This is going to be a long meeting....

An attack on Warren was successfully deterred due to superior defenses. According to sources, Forest County conducted an operation to retaliate against Warren after several diapers were dropped on Tionesta last week. The operation involved one soldier armed with a fishing pole ordered to march onto Warren. Upon arrival, the military began attacking structures by beating them with the fishing rod. To the dismay of the soldier, his weapons were inferior to the quality of the structures. Forest County has had the least luck in the war of northwestern Pennsylvania. Late last week, the city of Marienville, capital of East Forest County, fell to the powers of East Crawford after two soldiers marched into town and set up lawn chairs. The city has not been able to convince them to leave. Appeals to the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization have resulted in no aid being received. PLATO, which consists of Mercer, West Crawford, Venango, Clarion, Forest, and Jefferson County, has an agreement that all counties will come to the defense of each other if they are attacked. Unfortunately, the shortage of troops, transportation, and funds has made it impossible for each county to accommodate more than one at a time. PLATO in blue Venango County was the first of the PLATO treaty to be attacked more than two weeks ago after East Crawford laid siege to Oil City’s north side. All but Forest and Mercer responded to the incident by sending military to the defense of Oil City. Currently, the only county capable of sending support to Forest is Mercer, which would have to travel across Venango County war zones to reach their ally. Traveling by way of Butler is not an option, since Mercer has had past disputes over religious preferences of juice and hummus. Butlerstein will not allow Mercer to pass through their nation at this time. For the time being, Forest stands alone in the war between PLATO and the enemies of East Crawford and Warren. The damage is high by low standards, but liberty will be fought for at all costs. Fishing poles will break, diapers will be dropped, but the freedom of PLATO will be fought to the last man… which is not that many….

Crime families were left stunned after attempting to rob a Salvation Army store when the presence of high-end security made their plans impossible to carry out. According to sources, Western Pennsylvania mob members associated with the Lunchandcheese Family were completely unprepared to address what appeared to be the presence of a gun on the ground outside the building. AI... DUH! “We thought this was an easy target when we saw the sign outside the building,” states Little Vic’s Vapo Rub. “It was then we realized that the ‘no stealing’ sign was just meant to make us confident enough to try.” Once within 15 feet of the building, the Lunchandcheese family realized they were tricked when they saw the gun on the ground. “It was just laying there,” Michael Frankcheese told the press. “We completely froze with uncertainty as to whether it would go off or just give a warning shot.” The gang members worked together to slowly maneuver away from the region where the firearm was laying on the ground. No one was hurt in the process. However, one member notes that nobody was hurt in the process. “We’re just fortunate we got away,” says Frankcheese. “While it seems advantageous to pick up the gun, you never know if it will double cross you. It’s always best to just move on to another robbery.” The Lunchandcheese family was able to find an elderly woman to steal forty dollars from. Despite having a poodle with her, the Lunchandcheese family was able to neutralize it with a slice of baloney and a baseball bat. After years of committing crimes in the Western Pennsylvania region, the wisdom of the clan paid off today, resulting in no injuries. How did the clan respond? Dog pledges not to choose a side “We’re relieved!” states Little Vic’s Vapo Rub.