Pittsburgh Bar Bans Performer for Placing Diapers on Tables

A bar owner in Pittsburgh is facing backlash after allegedly banning a performer for being funny. According to witnesses, Mr. Eyeabhor Diapers of Pittsburgh, lost all sense of what is worth losing his cool over when he told a brilliant musical comedian he could not return.

The performer was there for roughly four hours periodically doing musical comedies such as his rendition of Michael Jacksons Mr. Clean is Not My Scrubber, and Maren Morris's Why Did You Just Beat Me With A Griddle. The audience was in laughter, widely requesting more daring and unexpected brilliance. After his last song called Change Your Baby, a parody of Carly Rae Jepsons Call Me Maybe, the owner allegedly told the performer he was banned because of the unwritten rule not to hand clean diapers to customers. 6 people were pronounced dead at the scene by nobody.

"I was incredibly shocked." Says the performer. "I really toned down that routine compared to bars where I've thrown the diapers at customers heads. I've never been barred from a bar before. I guess other owners can tell what objects actually hurt people."

Nobody took to Facebook about this incident yet. But based on our personal bias, this is probably what they would write if this performers routine was widely known.

Wow.... AI really made these anti alcoholics sound like they were wasted....

Mr. Diaper Hater was reportedly difficult to converse with after what was arguably the audiences favorite feature. Judging by his demeanor, it's understandable why he was nowhere to be seen most the evening. The act of no grace for harmless mistakes suggests that the large customer base is due to his chefs and not the character that was exhibited that evening. Experts from the University of Forgivable Mistakes state that if this is his usual demeanor, that he should never enter the kitchen in case his best complements to the chef instantly turn their food to mold.

The owners last recorded words to the masterful comedian were..... We actually don't remember because the comedian kept yelling "LALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" When the bar owner was trying to ban him for life. No joke... He litterally chased him to his car as the comedian ran shouting "I'm leaving! My diapers will be avenged! WUHAHAHAHA!" In all technicality, the comedian did not hear the bar owner, meaning he is not officially banned to his knowlege. This remains true until he returns to the property to hear it for real. He probably won't return to the property though since he doesn't want to hear those words. Also, he prefers bars that aren't surounded by ugly terrain.

The Venango Republic reached out to the bar being accused of banning an upcoming legend. According to one staff member, the owner watched a video of the performance and actually considered the tossing of a diaper to be the same as "throwing them at customers." Experts say this failed analysis of an obvious toss only makes sense if the bar owner used same motion in highschool football. This explains why he now has a career in bar management instead of throwing passes to DK Metcalf. Given that he thought a toss is the same as a throw, we are left to wonder if he is ever in his sports bar during a professional game. If not, we then must ask what that suggests about his tolerance for people.

As for the customers who recieved the unloaded diapers with open arms, they have completely recovered because diapers don't hurt people. You wouldn't see this as a result of last Saturday.....

Courtesy of what people aparently think diapers can do

Now, the greatest thing to ever happen to western Pensylvania must find another bar to do his performance at. With Karaoke being scarce, and only an average of 20 bars doing it every night, his hopes of bringing joy to customers is more limited thanks to the loss of a legitimately good venue. Good, as in the stage has a crowd worth performing for. We cannot recommend the service because the end result was aweful!

As for the comedian, he says he will consult the owners of bars going forward before doing this routine.

"I have done this a million times and can't imagine what went wrong." He expressed to himself as he wrote this. "Maybe the owner knows something I don't. Although I bought those diapers clean, one of them could have snuck out of the bag without my knowlege, climbed up my infant childs legs, waited to be pooped in, and snuck its way back into the bag. Perhaps that is why he was too mad to find his binky."

The masterful comedian hopes to be able to perform at this venue again soon. Unfortunately, this article will probably ruin those chances for good.