Local Man Gets SCONED on Liberty Street in Franklin

A Polk man is facing charges after public intoxication brought on by his obsession for donuts. According to reports sent to us by fictional police officers, Mr. Wilfred Donuteater, age 37, weight 764 pounds, was seen on Liberty Street in dysphoria as he shoved countless chocolate pastries down his eatery.

Sources state that police arrived to the scene at 7:06 a.m., where they found Donuteater in a haze as he sat crushing the hood of someone's car. Attempts to remove him from the area were unsuccessful as the officers struggled not to be captivated by the donuts themselves. Although this is an old stereotype, we're still going to use it.

After more than an hour of resisting the urge to indulge in Donuteater's collection of pastries, officers called in a dentist to provoke Donuteater to relocate to the police car. The threat of breaking his teeth with a sledge hammer seemd to do the trick, especialy after Dr. Tooth Decay slammed it against his jaw. Donuteater was unable to fit in the police vehicle and was therefore strapped to the roof for transportation.

Donuteater is facing five counts of possession of a legal substance, which includes a can of whipped cream, three packets of Sweet'N Low, caffeinated coffee, and 44 donuts, which are being tested for sugar.

If convicted, Donuteater may face as much as seven years outside of the county jail. They would put him in, but he will not fit through the doorway.