Venango County's youngest military member has done it again! After weeks of East Crawford controlling the capital of Forest County, Venango forces have forced the enemy to withdraw. How did he do it? With nothing but a bag of muffins and an overused spitball launcher. The city of Marienville fell to East Crawford several weeks ago after two enemy troops walked into town center and set up their lawn chairs. Marienville defenses were completely taken by surprise when they realized they don't have any defenses. Consequently, residents have had to drive to work with the eyesore of two idiots dressed in camouflage sitting in the center of town. Little Timmy of the Venango County military was sent on a special assignment by President Mayor Blunders to help save Forest County from this regime. After more than twenty days of waiting, 9-year-old Timmy has single-handedly driven the troops away without firing a spitball. Experts credit his success to not showering. The long wait for 9-year-old Timmy to arrive in Marienville and eradicate the enemy has resulted in almost a month of tardiness from school. Upon his return, he will probably be placed, or his parents will go to prison. According to President Mayor Blunders, this is the sacrifice of patriotism in the Venango States of America. He will be honored with another coupon to McDonald's.

This is going to be one of the rare cases where I shelve my typical humor for a subject I take seriously. I don't consider armed attackers to be a light matter, and one of the best parts about running my own site is that I get to write whatever the heck I want. As a self defense enthusiast who works professionally with children, I have a lot to say about the lack of preparation public places seem to have in the case of an armed assailant. It all goes back to 2024 when I was working in a school performing a drill for armed attackers. The students were instructed to run into a closet that had a giant glass window on the door. Meanwhile, the teachers protocol was to push a cart with a printer in front of the main door. The door itself had a window that could easily be blown out by a single shot, giving an attacker the ability to reach his hand in to turn the handle. It's not hard to see the errors of protocol in the school I described. Glass windows on the doors, a printer cart anyone can easily push aside, and children being instructed to hide in a room with a giant glass window. Your kids have become like sitting ducks because teachers are not being taught how barricade a door properly. Furthermore, school safety codes seem to be lacking when it comes to foolproof doors. It's not just schools having this issue. While working for my county in 2023, I was given a self defense training from two self proclaimed "experts" whose advice was arguably less than useless. Firstly, both of them suggested that "all martial arts don't work." They came to this conclusion because one of them couldn't handle himself in a fight after 11 years of taking kung fu. Instead of admitting that Kun Tao doesn't work, he just blamed every martial art for his personally wasted years. Secondly, their training on dealing with an active shooter consisted of a fifteen minute common sense instructional video . The video had nothing of value to offer much like a lot of the ones online. This is concerning given that self defense solutions exist that can increase the chances of ones survival in such a situation. My training for the county and the lack of preparedness for unarmed civilians is unnerving as you are about to see. The video played in the county training I took emphasized the phrase "run, hide, fight." At one point in the video, as the narrator speaks about the importance of blocking the entrance, an actor is seen shoving a basket plant in front of the door before hiding beneath his desk. As we all know, potted plants are a shooter's kryptonite. Plus, it's just brilliant to hide beneath your desk after placing your plant in a position that makes the room's occupancy a dead giveaway. What a perfect place to be vulnerable when a blood thirsty psycho comes walking in to find you curled up like a ball. No, I don't think anyone watching the video is dumb enough to try to barricade their office with a plant. I do, however, think that if a video is claiming to prepare people for an active shooter situation, it should explain how to do things right. Believe it or not, you can barricade a door wrong, as seen in another instructional video where actors are barricading the inside of a door that opens outwardly. Because shooters don't know how to crawl beneath the table or climb over top.... You can't barricade this door, but you can wedge the door knob if it's a handleset. These people could keep the table where it is and stack items up to the door knob so it can't turn. After shutting the lights off, when the shooter tries to turn the handle, it will be wedged. This increases the chance of him thinking the door is locked before he moves on. Unfortunately, I haven't found any training videos showing this trick being used. For example, in this video , two men push a table against a door but don't bother to wedge the door knob. The knob is a handleset like the last example. But instead of teaching this method, the actors go off on some tangent about the door being impossible to lock. You can see in the picture to the right that there are appliances behind the actor that may make wedging the knob possible. Unfortunately, low budget training video producers don't have the will to use their imagination. Instead, the actors panic, saying, "there's no way to lock the door. Grab a weapon!" While preparing to fight the attacker, they leave the lightweight table in front of the door like a bunch of morons! "Let's just leave the barricade in our way!" There's no better way to jump an armed shooter than with an item blocking your route. While letting the coffee table obstruct your path, don't forget to choose a plastic chair over something more lethal like a knife from the break room drawer. As the shooter walks through the door with the gun, don't try to blind him by spraying the fire extinguisher in his face. Instead, swing it at him and hope he doesn't dodge it while pulling the trigger. If you are a medical patient willing to sacrifice your IV bag, be sure not to extract your needle to use as an improvised weapon. Instead, use the cheap metal pool holding your IV bag to put distance between you and the shooter while he aims his weapon at you. Finally, if you have the coffee pot, don't break the glass before swinging it at the shooter. WE DON'T WANT TO CUT HIM! Yes, I freaking hate the half hearted effort being put into preparing people for an active shooter scenario. Every time 20 people die of this kind of tragedy, the nation panics. Our response? While police are getting state of the art training on how to neutralize a killer, we the sitting ducks are getting useless videos with flawed demonstrations. During one Walmart shooting , it took police six minutes to arrive on the scene. Imagine how many lives a shooter can take in that short amount of time. Yet here we are with an endless selection of videos using generic terms like "run, hide, fight" as if the common man doesn't already have this in the back of his mind when he is being shot at. How about you so-called experts start showing our teachers and students valuable information when it is time to run, hide, and fight? For instance, the importance of knowing exit points the minute you enter a building. How about showing teachers how to properly barricade a door or how to position themselves in a room to properly defend their students? How about teaching people how to determine what improvised weapons are best suited for life or death situations? I know for a fact the "experts" aren't teaching this because another useless instructional video shows students throwing paperbacks at a shooter! How shooters crumble in your dreams.... Every classroom has a pair of scissors to stab the shooter in the jugular. But hey, let's just hit him with chemistry shall we? Also, I'll try not to mention that this is another terrible job on barricading the door. Oops... I mentioned it.... He got right through it! Plus, you're a complete moron if you think a bloodthirsty killer holding a gun is going to react this way to paperbacks being thrown at him. He has the gun and you're trying to convince me that the students are the bold ones? The only video I found online with useful information for unarmed civilians consists of an actual simulation involving a young female. Rokus is an MMA practitioner who recently released a video on active shooter self defense. His wife was put through a simulation requiring her to barricade a door before an active shooter came in. As you can see in the first collage, she failed. 30 seconds to barricade and hide And shot.... Knowing how to hide can require training too! That's ok, because the experts were able to assess and show her what to do instead. Look what they accomplished in 15 to 20 seconds. Now you know where I got the trick of wedging the door knob. There are several things I like about this video. First, more than 70 percent of student teachers are women. Having a female perform this simulation shows how vulnerable people are and the importance of proper training. Secondly, it shows how experiencing a simulation prepares a person so much more than watching a 15 minute video on common sense statements mixed with poor actors giving lousy examples. If you are going to instruct people to run, hide, and fight, SHOW THEM HOW TO DO IT! I highly recommend all teachers put themselves through a simulation for the sake of their classroom. Yes, it is intense. That's the point. Learning to think critically in a short time frame can be the very thing that saves the lives of your students. These simulations not only teach you how to cope, but how to examine your assets to make improvised weapons, barricade your room properly, and to position yourself if you are forced to defend your kids. A major mistake I keep observing in training videos is people positioning themselves far away from the door. Asside from lousy barricades, distance is also not always good when you are about to get shot at. Knowing what items in your class make the best improvised weapons is crucial. Knowing where to position yourself in a worst case scenario matters just as much. Self defense is not a light matter. It's one of the reasons I am planning to attend a simulation in Pittsburgh in the next couple of months. That experience shapes a person forever and may be the very thing necessary to save a life.

The war between the counties has resumed now that the Venango Republic author's bronchitis is finally healing. Without hesitation, Elk County has begun attempts to attack Clarion's border at their stronghold of Mayport. With only two troops guarding the bridge, reports say the city will likely not last more than two days. Elk County has already annexed the entirety of Jefferson, laying siege to Punxsutawney. Now that they have political authority over Groundhog Day, winter is predicted to last beyond its initial 6 weeks. In the meantime, Mayor Bighorn of Elk County has instructed his troops to march onto Clarion in what seems to be an attempt to take over the northwestern side of Pennsylvania. Mayor Intellect of Clarion County has ordered his remaining troops to march to Mayport. Several waves of Elk troops tried to take the bridge crossing Redbank Creek early Wednesday morning, but failed due to insufficient knowledge of how to watch for oncoming traffic. So far, 13 elk have been hit by vehicles crossing the bridge. As for the Clarion County military, Mayor Intellect may be forced to raise new troops due to his current soldiers still being stranded in Butler County. During the eradication of East Crawford troops in Franklin several weeks ago, the Clarion County military took a wrong turn on their way home and headed south by accident. They haven't been heard from since. The only alternative currently standing in favor of Clarion now are the troops who were driven out of Jefferson County. The Jefferson County military consists of several groundhogs with no training on how to use a gun. Their skittish nature did no good against the Elk several weeks ago given that the stampeding of the enemy caused Jefferson troops to run away. This means that if Elk County troops can figure out how to deal with vehicles crossing the bridge, Clarion will likely fall.

The population of Rouseville saw a sudden increase for the first time in 30 years after an Oil City resident stayed there for the weekend. According to sources, locals were surprised to find an outsider stopping by to request food and shelter for what turned out to be a two-day stay. "We unfortunately could not offer him anything to eat," says Willy Starved, a resident who only gets a handful of rice every day. "Our rations are very low due to supply trucks going out of their way to avoid our town." Rouseville has been one of Venango County's forgotten hubs ever since they wasted their last currency on fixing a neighborhood gutter. Now, most people who have to take passage through the town intentionally make a wrong turn and pretend to get lost. As for the man who stumbled into the town, residents say they have not seen a face like his ever since their town went to ruin. "I've heard rumors that people in Oil City are slightly less poor than we are," states Mr. Starved. "To see someone with less dark stains on their T-shirt was a complete surprise." The mysterious man who entered the town left Sunday afternoon. Residents say that it was nice to see the town start to increase its population to give them a sense of hope for the future, even if it was only temporary. Now, the city can resume its crumbling process.

Long time friends, Ye Ti and Big Foot, are currently taking different sides on the Jefferson County invasion that left Punxatawney in the hands of Elk County soldiers. According to sources, Summer Intern, Big Foot, is not in favor of Elk County taking political authority over Groundhog Day and the power to extend winter. Ye Ti, Winter Intern of the Venango Republic, holds a different sentiment. With an upbringing dating back hundreds of years in the most northern point of Canada, Ye Ti states that he wants winter to go on forever. "Me wants snow year round," Ye Ti told us in a fictional interview. "Me tired of hibernation when spring come. Me want cold chills till day I die." Ye Ti is expected to live another thousand years, making this dreams one that could negatively impact everyone else if it is fulfilled. Big Foot is different from Ye Ti. Although he says he understands Ye Ti's love for cold weather, he cannot spend the rest of his life hibernating. "My body naturally shuts down when the temperature dips below fifty five degrees," says Big Foot. "I love Ye Ti. We always have a brief conversation when switching between naps. But I cannot go on sleeping forever." Big Foot may not have a choice in the matter. Elk County still controls the city of Punxatawney and is in talks to soon invade Clarion. County War 1, which has already seen three western Pensylvania regions invaded, is now in what experts are calling the "darkest point in its history." For Ye Ti and Big Foot, the war may not break up their friendship, but it certainly shows how a difference in upbringing can vastly shape ones political views on the year round seasons.

Mortimus II is coming under scrutiny after Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville has accused Venango County of using a fake Moon. According to sources at the Crawford Carnage, the tiny terrestrial body sitting on top of the tree is being questioned by scientists at Titusville University, which has now led to the demand of an internal investigation. The Mortimus II shuttle just left the Earth yesterday. VASA scientist, Kneel Legweak, tossed the ship into the air, sending Venango's six pilots on their mission. They have been stuck in the tree for at least 28 hours. This morning, Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville once again accused Venango County of faking their space voyages after noting that the moon is at least seventy feet further from the Earth. When asked about this, Mayor Blunders of Oil City said nothing. He simply smiled and showed us this picture... Although Blunders seems to have photo evidence that his astronauts are in a cardboard shuttle, experts believe Venango County will have to do much more to prove that they really went to space. Titusville has demanded full forensic testing on the shuttle when it returns. The question now remains if Blunders will allow anyone to knock it out of the tree.

Oil City residents woke to the sound of a rocket being launched in the air. The scientist responsible for tossing it, VASA astronomer Kneel Legweak, propelled the miniature shuttle into the sky for Venango's second trip to the Moon. Unlike the last trip taken in December, reports say that this shuttle will not be landing, but instead will naturally turn back towards the Earth after making a full circle around the mass they hung in the tree above them. President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America says that this second trip is necessary for the pride of our newly found nation. After a year of trying to outshine East Crawford in the race to outer space, going to the moon a second time will ensure that East Crawford will have to work twice as hard to be just as impressive. When asked why the shuttle will not be landing during its voyage, Mayor Blunders hinted that the drop sheet used during the last photo shoot could not be cleaned in time for this occasion. Additionally, Blunders noted that it is not in the budget for his astronauts to purchase cheese from Aldi to act as the samples for them to bring back. City officials agreed that it was best to just toss the shuttle over the moon and let it come back to Earth when it is ready. As of yesterday, the launch was a success, but not after Mayor Blunders accidentally dropped the first prototype in the river. Scientists, fortunately, had erected another one made from the scraps of their toilet paper rolls in the laboratory. The second shuttle was named Mortimus II in honor of the first shuttle that Mayor Blunders dropped, which was named Mortimus I. The shuttle is expected to fall back to Earth as soon as the next breeze blows it out of the tree. At that point, Mayor Blunders will be able to claim that the moon's orbit did the work in redirecting the shuttle. He adds that the closer the shuttle gets to Earth, the more he can logically claim that the gravitational pull of Venango County will influence its return. As for the astronauts aboard, President Mayor Blunders states that he has boarded six able-bodied individuals made up of diverse groups in order to avoid offending the hypocrite party. With Blunders being a representative of the egocentric party, he states that appealing to the hypocrites may help ensure his victory in the next election cycle. Upon their return, Blunders will honor each astronaut with a 10% off coupon to McDonald's and a life-size replica of the shuttle they should not be able to fit in.

President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America is threatening to drop eggshells on Clearfield after learning that the Straight of Her Moose is closing. Word came to Blunders via carrier pigeon yesterday evening, leaving him confused over what a Her Moose is, furthermore, why a pigeon flew through the outhouse window. "I don't know what this means." Blunders told the press this morning. "But we will make them pay." Blunders taken by surprise by invading pigeon The Straight of Her Moose refers to a tiny reservoir that was shut down yesterday. Although Clearfield has not explained their reason, laymen have determined it has no impact on us whatsoever. Runner up to the 2025 Oil City Mayor election, Koala Bearis, states that she condemns Blunders threat to throw eggs at a neighboring county. Blunders responded by suggesting that she is only jealous for not having the arm to throw them that far. Koala Bearis somewhere in PA While Venango County political influencers criticize the president of Venango County, Clearfield has still remained silent on why they specifically chose to close the reservoir connecting Moose Creek to Moose Creek. Blunders is now threatening to eggshell the Clearfield Navy if they do not open up the Strait of Her Moose again. The major drawback to Blunders threat is that Clearfield does not have a navy residing in the Strait of Her Moose. Any boat that sails in those waters is likely just a bunch of tourists out fishing for a weekend. Nonetheless, Blunders intends on throwing rotten eggs at them anyway in order to establish his superiority over the neighboring counties. No county has responded to Blunders threat in defense of Clearfield, given that the county he's threatening to egg could use the visual improvements. Blunders is giving Clearfield till tonight to open up the Strait of Her Moose. Should they fail to comply, he will sign an executive order to send Venango County military to drop eggshells on the region, provided they have enough gas to get there.

Political tensions have reached a new level of concern for the United Counties of Western Pennsylvania. President Mayor Big Horn of Elk County has just threatened to extend winter while lowering the temperature to sub zero if the United Counties fail to comply with his list of demands. The news broke just days after Elk County military overthrew the capital of Jefferson County. Laying siege to Punxsutawney handed the rights to Groundhog Day over to the Elks. Now, the rest of Western Pennsylvania is at their mercy. So far, the only counties that are not complaining are Indiana, Warren, East Crawford, and Erie. Although Erie is not in alliance with the other counties, they say they are prepared for the cold since they are basically Pennsylvania's Canada. Other counties state that they are deeply concerned for the welfare of their citizens. Mayor Dambuilder, president of Beaver County, says that an extended winter would pose great dangers to the homeless living in the Ohio River. Beaver County citizen Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney is currently safe in the Clarion region. Although plans to take Jefferson County back are in the early stages, Western Pennsylvania may have justification to support the cause given that an extended winter acts as an intercountial threat. "We must come together in this season to combat the extending of the season," Mayor Steelhead told the press today. Allegheny County is prepared to place sanctions on Elk County if they extend the winter season beyond its original end date. Although these sanctions are likely ineffective due to the lack of trade between the two counties, it still sounds like a major threat. For the time being, Western Pennsylvania residents are encouraged to keep their winter belongings unpacked for the possibility of brutal months ahead. Until we know for certain if Elk County is serious, it is best not to be caught wearing jorts in 5 feet of snow.

The voices were loud over the weekend with the city of Franklin filled to maximum capacity. Over two dozen people crowded the streets making their stance against the monarchy oppressing them. Kings Restaurant in collaboration with Burger King, who currently rule over these lands, were being declared unfit for the peasants of Sandy Creek Township. In response to the uprising against their rulership, Burger King and Kings Restaurant have agreed to increase the taxation on the people of Franklin and the surrounding region of Sandy Creek. Peasants will now be forced to pay upwards of two shillings per week. Failed compliance will result in imprisonment beneath the surface of the Franklin City Courthouse. "We hath declared this day, that those standing in opposition to our crown, shall surely be put to death." Burger King expressed in an interview with the press. Burger King has had a history of conflict with Kings Restaurant spanning several generations. It wasn't until the turn of the century that both monarchist agreed to share their place in governing the region. Since then, the peasants of Franklin have struggled to afford the basic necessities such as bread and water. The protest was loud. But the knights of Franklin were quick to put them to silence. Consequently, the uprising has not uprooted the restaurants from their place of power. "We can take their money. They can take our food. But they can't take our leadership!" Both restaurants expressed to us while flipping burgers.

No, the picture is not of the incident. But if Explore Clarion can use clickbait, why not us? Forest County - A two-vehicle collision took place Thursday afternoon in a town that has nothing better to report. According to Marienville State Police, a 2016 Chevrolet Silverado was traveling north on RT 157 when it instinctively decided to slow down and pull into a driveway. The fateful decision resulted in a crash that hurt no one but the cars. Local troopers noted that Forest County barely ever gets publicity and decided to offer this information to Explore Clarion. Explore Clarion evidently had nothing worthwhile to write and decided to deliver an entire piece on the incident, managing to write eight paragraphs. Unreliable sources suggest that the author of the story deserves a raise, considering he managed to extend a three-sentence story to a length that was incredibly unnecessary. Despite the story offering nothing interesting for readers to chew on, he did manage to create a piece with more content than if he simply wrote "blah blah blah" eighty times. Experts are predicting that mental health counseling may be needed to ensure the journalist doesn't lose self-esteem from the mockery this content deserves. Explore Clarion has been known to use escalating language to describe meaningless occurrences. Oddly, they never seem to successfully exaggerate situations without sounding like complete idiots. The article admits no injuries resulted from the incident, making the story's only justification that the vehicle was driving too close. With no picture of the damage, Explore Nothing pretended that a ticket amounting to less than one hundred and fifty bucks equates to a drunk driver committing manslaughter. Welcome to the world of online click bait being advertised as news. That's what the industry defines as a "feeding frenzy," performed under the category of "sensationalism." But hey, since nothing consistently happens in your boring region, we'll just keep justifying the unethical journalism with the fact that your town is small. Question: if you have nothing better to report, doesn't that suggest your existence is unjustified? Oops! I guess since it's a small town and you know people, that means I have to support the narrative that this is good journalism. Don't want to hurt your feelings. Clarion being a small town gives journalists that diplomatic immunity.

After Elk County successfully overthrew the capital of Jefferson, Indiana County has announced that they will not assist in helping the Punxsutawney citizens regain their territory. This came after Mayor Treeface expressed that he is for a year-long Christmas season. Indiana County, the self-declared Christmas Tree Capital of the World, has not announced if they will join the counties of Elk, Warren, and East Crawford in their war against the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization. What Mayor Treeface has indicated is that he hates Groundhog Day and is grateful someone has the sense to extend the winter season. "We are a town that prides itself on the spirit of reckless celebrations," states Mayor Treeface. "Without a year-long Christmas season, our college students only have Wolfie’s and whatever else they do behind closed doors." Jefferson County has had a rocky relationship with Indiana County ever since they gained the political authority to end winter early. When Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney first announced the implementation of Groundhog Day, and the policy that winter would end within six weeks of the day, Indiana’s Christmas tree infrastructure collapsed. They were then forced to create an industry depending on the sale of Trojan products. College students have since been the target audience for economic sustainability. Mayor Treeface is just happy that the possibility of a year-long Christmas season may change things to how they once were. "We used to be Pennsylvania’s North Pole," the Mayor of Indiana Borough told the press. "Elves once made up the population of this former Christmas town. When Christmas trees were no longer a year-long theme, we had to draw in college students with a party vibe." Indiana before the creation of Groundhog Day taken in the Summer of 1794 Now, the once-named Christmas town parties in ways other than the Christmas spirit.