Clarion's Capital Falls to Elk County, Elk County Military Progressing to Venango

A dark spring evening turned into havoc when Nerf darts were fired on the capital of Clarion County. Elk soldiers emerged, storming up the hill, firing their Nerf guns on the military they drove from Punxsutawney weeks ago.

Several unfortunate happenings have contributed to Clarion's lack of preparedness for last night's attack. Firstly, the groundhogs serving the Jefferson County military are significantly inferior to the elk, given that they are no more than two feet tall. Additionally, being armed with vegetables does not make them much of a threat to the seven-foot-tall elk armed with Nerf guns and multi-pointed horns on their heads.

The single military member sent by West Crawford was one German Shepherd armed with Meow Mix. West Crawford would have sent more, except that they have to secure their eastern border to prevent East Crawford from overtaking their county. Additionally, when they sent troops to help Venango back in February, they proved to be absolutely ineffective, meaning that this troop was simply sent just to say that they've tried to help.

Mayor Intellect of Clarion, along with Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney, are now retreating to Venango County on foot, with the militaries of Jefferson and West Crawford standing between them and the Elk County forces. Venango County is facing a major dilemma, given that the three military members making up the Venango States' military are spread out on several fronts.

Mayor Intellect retreats with Jefferson County's President Mayor Phil

Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County military are currently stationed on Route 8 at the border outside of Titusville, East Crawford's capital. They have been there for several months with instructions not to fall asleep in case of another siege. President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America is unlikely to redeploy them to the Clarion border, noting that they've already let the East Crawford troops surpass them several times.

Laurel and Hardy protecting the border outside of Titusville

As for nine-year-old Timmy, who is the youngest member of Venango County's military, President Mayor Blunders is trying to figure out how to give him a ride back from Marienville, Pennsylvania. After several successful campaigns, little Timmy was sent to eradicate the East Crawford troops who had taken the eastern capital of Forest County. When his stench, resulting from weeks of bad hygiene, drove the troops away, Blunders redeployed him to the Venango-Clarion border. Unfortunately, little Timmy's two-week walk through Allegheny National Forest meant several days of tardiness from school. His parents can't give him a ride back from Marienville because they have been arrested for his unexcused absences.

Little Timmy in the center of Marienville

Venango County's only alternative is their oldest military member, who has done so poorly we don't even acknowledge him as being part of our military, an 80-year-old man stationed in Venango County's most detestable city of Pleasantville, has had a history of falling asleep and immediately handing the city over to the enemies trying to capture it. Unfortunately, the city is such an undesirable location that anyone capturing it always gives it back to Venango. This, of course, infuriates Blunders, who has been trying to trick people into taking it from him for years.

Mayor Blunders may have no choice but to redeploy this older man, whose name we have completely forgotten because we don't like him. The Elk County military gets closer to the Venango County border as we speak. We cannot depend on oncoming traffic to strike them as they walk up 322. Given that the elk have experienced being hit several times, it is likely that they have blocked off 322 for all drivers. This gives them safe passage into Venango County's industrial city of Seneca.

Experts say that Elk County is the driving force of the Zugnar Alliance, which consists of Warren, East Crawford, and Elk County. Elk's intention is not simply to rule northwestern Pennsylvania's least populated regions. Experts agree that Mayor Bighorn of Elk County likely wants to take over the entirety of western Pennsylvania. Having control of Punxsutawney has given Mayor Bighorn authority over the Groundhog Day Accords, suggesting that if he wants, he can extend winter wherever he desires, covering each region in mounds of snow. He has done it to Clarion, and will likely do it to every county who stands in his way.

With Clarion County's military still lost somewhere in Butler, the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization is left with little options to stop the force of the Zugnar alliance. PLATO is folding, and each county is beginning to recognize that low-budget militaries may not be enough to protect them from this unforeseen evil.