The Clarion County military has found their way back to Venango County after three months of getting lost in Butler. According to sources, the three individuals who make up the Clarion County military wandered onto Liberty Street at 7:12 a.m. this morning with the same confused looks they initially left with. It was approximately two months ago, just before the Battle of Franklin, that Venango County requested the Clarion County military go back home. After weeks of conflict with East Crawford, Clarion's aid proved to serve no purpose, given that they kept retreating from the spitballs being shot at them. Venango County did not want the Clarion County military sabotaging their final attempt at claiming Venango back from the single soldier who laid siege to Franklin. They therefore requested that Clarion’s army go back home. Instead of marching down Route 322 back to their region, they made a wrong turn and wandered into Barkeyville. When the place was unfamiliar, they decided to keep going and later got lost in Butler. It's three months later, and with Elk County now possessing the industrial city of Cranberry, just outside of Seneca, Venango County is desperate for military aid that can help overthrow the Elk County forces. They have asked Clarion to go back to Butler.

2026 Erie is falling behind in the box score of homicide victims when weighed against previous years. According to data analysts, the city hasn't scored once in the competition, forcing locals to look at the brighter side. When counting higher death tolls as a winning objective, 2025 Erie is up 2-0 in the first quarter. However, when observing the stats like a golf match, 2026 Erie looks more like the son of God. According to experts at Edinburgh University, one's perception of which year is winning depends on what outcome they prefer most. For those cheering for a higher death toll, 2025 seems to be the more victorious of the two. In this case, 2026 still has three quarters to catch up to 2025, but it will require more killings than it has successfully been able to obtain in the last four months. Contrarily, those who oppose a higher death toll state that they are cheering for the city to maintain a lower count of homicide victims. Erie has never achieved the award for low death victims when competing with previous years of its existence. Achieving this trophy will give them a new category to place in their Hall of Fame records, which already consists of Most Death Toll in History Awards. “Whether or not 2026 Erie is winning really depends on one's own perception,” states Mayor Paranoia of Erie, Pennsylvania. “The National Homicide League has always held the role that the highest murder rate wins. However, some fans seem to be shifting towards a rule change that would require the lowest murder rate to win.” 2026 might require fudging the rulebook a little bit, given that the 2026 draftees have failed to come through in making a killing. The current coach of the 2026 Erie Homicides team states that he has good faith that this year's murders would really come through. Unfortunately for homicide enthusiasts, the 2026 draft picks appear to be too nice for this kind of game. “I really thought I was drafting some cold-blooded killers,” states coach Jonathan Gotti, a New York native who now resides in Erie. “The boys just don't play like they used to, which is inconvenient for the 2026 roster.” Erie may be breaking tradition for the first time ever. What once was an expectation to strive for higher death tolls may actually be shifting to a more modernized perspective of humane sportsmanship. Although there are three quarters left to play, Coach Gotti has to decide whether Erie will maintain its perfect record of reaching greater heights or shift to a new kind of achievement.

Venango County's eastern capital of Cranberry is now facing potential assault with no defenses standing in the way of the Elk County military. Any minute now, Elk troops will be converging on Cranberry's capital building, the Cranberry Mall. The pothole defense system will be useless given the versatility of the Elk species. Elk troops move through Rockland at the border Venango County's southern capital of Franklin has no troops to spare. According to sources, the mayor of Franklin has focused more resources on building the Venango County Air Force and has completely left his city vulnerable to ground attacks. Although air raids may help secure Route 322 to Franklin, the new Hammermill 8.5x11 paper bombers have not yet been tested. Elks current territory President Mayor Blunders of Oil City is now requesting assistance from the neighboring counties of West Crawford and Mercer. Mayor Dogfood of Meadville states that he can spare one more troop to assist Venango in fighting the Elk. As for the rest of his military, they are currently in Erie trying to investigate a series of exploding pizzas. Mayor Socket of Grove City also says he will send military aid. With Mercer being known for absolutely nothing, the Venango Republic is still struggling to determine what this military will look like. Hopefully we can figure it out in time before the Elk take over Venango. Mayor Socket of Grove City in Mercer As for the Venango County military, President Mayor Blunders is still waiting to hear from 9-year-old Timmy, who was sent to Forest County weeks ago to drive out East Crawford forces. Timmy completed this mission several days ago and is still waiting for a ride back to Venango. Unfortunately, nobody can afford enough gas to drive there and get him. Jefferson County's military, with the assistance of one West Crawford troop, has been retreating every time the Elk advance. Armed with only Meow Mix and carrots, both armies are defeating their purpose, which would be better served getting trampled by the Elk. The Venango County military currently in the county is still protecting the northern border just outside of Titusville. Mayor Blunders has ordered a roadblock for every vehicle attempting to commute by way of Route 8. This, of course, proves to be pointless given that the cars commuting drive right by the soldiers stationed there without stopping. They've already missed 56 cars today. Venango's fate is uncertain. Despite Elk County now controlling Jefferson's Groundhog Day Accords, they have not buried Venango County in snow as they did Clarion. This suggests they see this county as an easy victory. That's sad since we are only a year and two months into doing this satire.

Venango County is short on military power as Elk County troops move closer to the border. According to sources, the three military men who make up the army of the Venango States are spread thin between Route 8 and Marienville, Pennsylvania. Likely enemy invasion points in red. Venango military points in blue. To make matters worse, Warren County states that they are preparing their troops for a northern assault on the border between Venango and Warren. Geographical maps reveal only one main road by which Warren troops can logically pass into the region. That road is Route 27. Route 27 in blue. Words and border in white. Grass and trees in green. The greatest advantage to Venango at this time is that the author of this ridiculous website has not decided what stereotype to base the Warren military off of. Although Venango is at risk of the Elk County military stampeding our southern side, the author of the Venango Republic still doesn't know enough about Warren to invent a military to attack our northern side. This will hopefully delay the attack long enough to prepare better strongholds. Another advantage in favor of Venango County is that Route 27 leads straight into Pleasantville. Venango County has had great success when neighboring counties attempt to invade by way of Pleasantville. This, of course, is not due to Pleasantville being militarily equipped. It's just that people trying to pass through are deterred by what they see. If Pleasantville can successfully cause Warren to run the other direction, Venango County can focus more of its resources on the southeastern border of Clarion. All we need to do is figure out how to pick up our third troop from Marienville.

Before we begin, we would like to inform the owners of St. Stephen's Church in Oil City that your groundskeeper forgot to weed the roof. And now to our sales pitch. St. Stephen's Church in Oil City is having a rummage sale, with prices so low, we can barely hold it together. Stop on by and get deals so good that even your local unstable structure of a church cannot compete. Purchase this decades-old baby crib for infants who know better than to roll off the side. Not safe for infants who roll Purchase this picture of a white Jesus graciously performing a Jedi mind trick. The Son of God is priceless, but this picture is five bucks. "You don't need to see my identification" Own your very own Catholic karaoke machine, which probably was used to make announcements during potlucks—potlucks that likely weren't performed during Lent. Catholic karaoke uses no screen Buy your own set of Catholic cutlery, used for whatever it is that Catholics like to cut. No pork during lent!!!!!! Become the owner of a box full of candles, with portions as big as the congregation that would have been before Quaker State up and left. Only 5 have been used in the last 30 years Get a kickstart to your very own Catholic casino with a box full of Catholic bingo cards. The box features a display piece that wasn't even close to winning big. That's okay, because the winners probably only got a little wine cup with bread on the side. They were shunned for missing the mark What makes this coffee table unique is that it features a cushion to rest your knees while you're doing your daily devotionals. This table probably serves a different purpose, but we're not Catholic. So we're giving it our best guess. I kneed one We don't know what these were for, but they're next to a set of ropes that also serve a purpose we don't know. 7 triangles to reflect Catholic echos. Pile of ropes to tie up those trying to escape the echos. Want to eat like a Catholic? St. Stephen's features a set of Catholic utensils. Similar to regular utensils, these ones are the kinds Catholics use. Catholic Forks are distinct in that Catholics use them We don't know what these are intended for. But you probably don't need them. You don't need them.... Wow, Catholics have a lot of dates to keep track of. We're not even sure how you read this calendar. Do Catholics have their own Ouija boards???? One of the best features of these wreaths when bought as a set is that they can act as their own makeshift kiddie pool. With the use of a tarp and a little bit of water, your child can have an outdoor swimming experience that otherwise would cost you so much more. If your infant tends to wander off, you can also consider using it as a barrier. You don't have to worry about them crawling over it because the bristles are incredibly uncomfortable. They litterally wouldn't fit in my car What in the world was this church selling for $811? That's like the yearly income of every resident in Western Pennsylvania. Tithes in the year 5050 This cross sells for $50 and excludes the crucifix. Perfect for any of you who sided with Luther. Crucifix not included After thorough research, we learned that Jesus once cursed a tree to death which, out of season, failed to produce fruit. We cannot guarantee this claim, but it seems that that tree from 2,000 years ago made it all the way to the basement of this church in Oil City. Read Matthew 21:18-22 Children, this is what televisions looked like in 1980. If you go to a church in western Pennsylvania, they still haven't upgraded to widescreen. Yes kids, this was a thing Oh, would you look at that, it seems like they have upgraded. High definition too. Yet for some reason, they still kept their sound system from the 1980s. Yes elders, this is a thing Finally, for $30, you can own this dated portrait of The Last Supper. Did they seriously put the hot pans above the last supper?!?! What if it pours on the head of Jesus?!?! Although it is not an original and is likely decades old, it's far better than paying the upward price of one penny less for a new copy on Amazon. What a rip off! Stop by the rummage sale today! All items must go, whether by sale or by the structure imploding on itself. Hurry! We can't guarantee our savior won't return with a whip and the intent to turn tables! For all we know, not one stone will be left unturned.

The Oil City Oil Spills have miraculously made it to Pittsburgh without getting lost. The first day of the NFL draft is over, and Coach Numbskull, as well as his team, are still sitting, waiting for their chance at a pick that will never come. Coach Numbskull still doesn't get the message that the NFL doesn't recognize his team. After an entire year of showing up to a cornfield every Sunday, the absence of opponents didn't seem to hint to Numbskull that his group is not in the NFL. What's even more embarrassing is him insisting that his 0-0-0 record makes him the first undefeated team in the modern era. Numbskull not only celebrated the team's absences as the opponents forfeiting, but continued showing up to his cornfield until a week before the Super Bowl. That's when his team started hiking west for California. Numbskull's Super Bowl dreams were not fulfilled like he assumes. While attempting to show up for a game that would not have gone well, the Oil Spills went missing. Days after the actual Super Bowl was over, the Venango Republic went looking for the team only to find them under a bridge past the border of Ohio. Everyone was crying but found their spirits lifted when we led with the phrase, "the Super Bowl is over." Before we could explain that the Seahawks beat the Patriots, Numbskull replied, "WE WON BY DEFAULT!" The place was in an uproar. Coach Numbskull recieves Venango County medal of freedom at the Venango County State of the Union Address earlier this year Now, the team is thoroughly convinced they were the 2026 Super Bowl champions. With no knowledge of where to get a trophy, President Mayor Blunders gifted them a red Solo cup with his best spelling. Oil Spills hoist their trophy There are six rounds of the draft left. Several NFL teams have lots of work ahead of them. Meanwhile, Numbskull is sitting with his players in the back row, clueless as to what is going on. He doesn't even know what players he would choose if he got to pick.

ERIE, PA - There's no food, no workout equipment, and no group gathering to constitute calling it a club. What's even weirder is that the health expert who greets you at the window looks incredibly unhealthy. We aren't just talking out-of-shape unhealthy. We mean illegal-version-of-crushed-Smarties unhealthy. Somebody either has the most depressing life you can imagine, or they are consuming something that creates that outward impression. No wonder applications are being accepted. How can you sell the word “health” when the faces of your brand look drained of life's joys? This is exactly why The Biggest Loser switched hosts before it was politically incorrect to fat-shame. The "club" has lost credibility. Even the outside structure looks like it was erected in Newcastle (a town north of Pittsburgh where this house would fit in perfectly). No horse jockey seeking a healthy alternative to burpees would ever come here. You can apply today and help this business suddenly gain credibility. We can't promise they don't have sketchy expectations behind those closed doors. I mean, despite us knowing exactly what's going on, this is a family-friendly platform. We have to pretend this rotting structure is just serving vegetables. Apply today and help those horse riders maintain a 90-pound average. Afraid of only seeing customers taller than the average horse jockey? Then use the likely company policy and just screw them! Disclaimer: Our use of the term "screw them" is intended to mean "turn them away." The Venango Republic does not endorse any illegal activity that may stem from the phrase "screw them" in relation to the sketchy building being discussed. The Venango Republic is not responsible for any misinterpretation made by anyone too stupid to read a disclaimer. So... yeah... don't work there for obvious reasons. Just get your vegetables from a weekly farmers market and reduce the risk of sty's... That's our cleaned-up version of another similar combination of letters describing what you get in sketchy unhealthy looking buildings.

It is quite the milestone when you count the billions of people who aren't following as if they are followers. Sure, another certain journalist may have reached the hundred thousand subscriber mark on his YouTube channel. He even wrote about it in the third person and thought we wouldn't notice by the fact that nobody is credited with writing the article. For Jeremy Jetfuel, however, the other journalists hundred thousand following is less impressive than the 8.3 billion people Jetfuel is counting as his followers. "I just decided to use reverse psychology on reality by including everybody who doesn't subscribe to me," states Jeremy Jetfuel, who currently is writing in the third person. "I thought about excluding my 17 real followers. But then I realized that I am already being incredibly dishonest by including the rest of Earth's human population. So I decided to be honest by including the real followers too." Jetfuel's genius manipulation of the numbers now makes him the most successful content creator on the internet. His clever sarcastic wit and ability to stir the pot is probably why he managed to fudge the numbers so easily. "I couldn't have done it without my ego," Jetfuel stated to himself as he typed these words. "All the comments that would be there if the following was too, and all challenges that would exist if I actually put in the work." As the world's most successful fictional journalist with the largest fictional following, Jetfuel is grateful to be the region's most important prick. For more information, call Jenny at 8675309.

Things must be pretty safe in Warren if Erie News Now considers a stolen lizard to be the “crime of the week.” Ironically, this network covers Erie, Crawford, and Warren County for up-to-the-minute news. They have three whole counties to find something worth reporting, and the award goes to a freaking lizard! The report by Erie News Now doesn’t give us much detail about the crime other than the name, age, and town the thief is from. Was it an impoverished mother trying to get her deprived child the lizard he always wanted? We’ll never know… Erie News Now didn’t tell us. Plus, nobody cares enough to drive to Spartansburg to ask the woman who stole the lizard. Most people don’t even know Spartansburg exists! The mystery also wasn’t interesting. Despite the headline trying to sell this as the “crime of the week,” their plot twist was… wait for it… that residents called in to report it. That’s it! Wow… that’s like super low-grade Sherlock Holmes. Watson asks how you solved the mystery, and you have no choice but to say, “Preschool, dear Watson. Preschool.” With no interesting details to justify calling this the crime of the week, the author tries to turn this into a moral lesson on reporting crimes. We learned to do this when we were 3 Thank you for this. I called 911 last Friday after watching a man crash his car into a telephone pole. Calling an ambulance is easy. But remembering why police exist is so hard when you are watching people violate the law. Erie News Now is literally the network you think of when you need news from Erie. With the reputation preceding them, it’s hard not to think of this report as a joke… This is a joke right???? This is a joke, right? You said it happened on April 1st. It has to be a joke! Perhaps crime took a break in the two-and-a-half thousand square miles Erie News Now claims to cover. They searched as hard as they could, but the drug dealers took a vacation from their addiction. This left the pet store as the only option for crime reporting that week.

The city of Titusville has roots dating back to the ancient world of American origins. Founded in 1796 A.D., the city of Titusville began as a village under the authority of one Sir Titus of Rome Township, who moved to the greasy township of Oil Creek to separate himself from the empire he once served. By 1866 A.D., Sir Titus of Rome progressed his village into the epicenter of ancient Western Pennsylvanian culture, with an empire never before seen. Not only did the citizens under the governing authority of Sir Titus thrive with the discovery of oil, a substance similarly named after another ancient culture called Greece, but the community found themselves evolving into a multiculturally diverse civilization. Multicultural shopping spree at Titusville flea market Titusville found themselves attracting people from around the observable ancient American world. Hence why, in 2026, we find the residents of Titusville so fluent in Latin and Koine Greek, which were languages common in the early American days. Aramaic, Punic, and Celtic were also languages known around the region at that time. Unfortunately, the Jews, along with other cultural diversities, left and took their native tongue with them. Hence why modern Titusville can only speak in Latin and Koine Greek. Latin play performed in the summer of 1779 A.D. Mural likely painted more recent.... Although the city of Titusville now uses the term mayor to describe their supreme leader, in the ancient world, the authority governing this civilization would have been referred to as a Caesar, or maybe even an emperor. The name quickly changed to mayor in order to adapt to the understanding of the modern times. In the ancient days, however, classical terms such as "your Lordship" were appropriate ways to regard the higher class citizens overseeing the major industrial city. Although East Crawford has slowly adapted from its ancient roots, one can understand why direct descendants of ancient civilizations would choose East Crawford to settle. When you look at the geographical locations of Rome Township, Sparta Township, and Troy Township, you can clearly see terrain unmistakably similar to the nations of Greece and Rome from thousands of years ago. Mayor Caesar Lucius of Titusville announces act of 1897 A.D which declared death by lions for live entertainment inhumane Sir Titus of Rome Township only governed the empiracle stage of his civilization for four years before being assassinated at the hands of his successor, Sir Gaius of Guys Mills. Sir Titus of Rome will be remembered as the first mayor of what has become the epicenter of ancient American culture.

A dark spring evening turned into havoc when Nerf darts were fired on the capital of Clarion County. Elk soldiers emerged, storming up the hill, firing their Nerf guns on the military they drove from Punxsutawney weeks ago. Several unfortunate happenings have contributed to Clarion's lack of preparedness for last night's attack. Firstly, the groundhogs serving the Jefferson County military are significantly inferior to the elk, given that they are no more than two feet tall. Additionally, being armed with vegetables does not make them much of a threat to the seven-foot-tall elk armed with Nerf guns and multi-pointed horns on their heads. The single military member sent by West Crawford was one German Shepherd armed with Meow Mix. West Crawford would have sent more, except that they have to secure their eastern border to prevent East Crawford from overtaking their county. Additionally, when they sent troops to help Venango back in February, they proved to be absolutely ineffective, meaning that this troop was simply sent just to say that they've tried to help. Mayor Intellect of Clarion, along with Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney, are now retreating to Venango County on foot, with the militaries of Jefferson and West Crawford standing between them and the Elk County forces. Venango County is facing a major dilemma, given that the three military members making up the Venango States' military are spread out on several fronts. Mayor Intellect retreats with Jefferson County's President Mayor Phil Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County military are currently stationed on Route 8 at the border outside of Titusville, East Crawford's capital. They have been there for several months with instructions not to fall asleep in case of another siege. President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America is unlikely to redeploy them to the Clarion border, noting that they've already let the East Crawford troops surpass them several times. Laurel and Hardy protecting the border outside of Titusville As for nine-year-old Timmy, who is the youngest member of Venango County's military, President Mayor Blunders is trying to figure out how to give him a ride back from Marienville, Pennsylvania. After several successful campaigns, little Timmy was sent to eradicate the East Crawford troops who had taken the eastern capital of Forest County. When his stench, resulting from weeks of bad hygiene, drove the troops away, Blunders redeployed him to the Venango-Clarion border. Unfortunately, little Timmy's two-week walk through Allegheny National Forest meant several days of tardiness from school. His parents can't give him a ride back from Marienville because they have been arrested for his unexcused absences. Little Timmy in the center of Marienville Venango County's only alternative is their oldest military member, who has done so poorly we don't even acknowledge him as being part of our military, an 80-year-old man stationed in Venango County's most detestable city of Pleasantville, has had a history of falling asleep and immediately handing the city over to the enemies trying to capture it. Unfortunately, the city is such an undesirable location that anyone capturing it always gives it back to Venango. This, of course, infuriates Blunders, who has been trying to trick people into taking it from him for years. Mayor Blunders may have no choice but to redeploy this older man, whose name we have completely forgotten because we don't like him. The Elk County military gets closer to the Venango County border as we speak. We cannot depend on oncoming traffic to strike them as they walk up 322. Given that the elk have experienced being hit several times, it is likely that they have blocked off 322 for all drivers. This gives them safe passage into Venango County's industrial city of Seneca. Experts say that Elk County is the driving force of the Zugnar Alliance, which consists of Warren, East Crawford, and Elk County. Elk's intention is not simply to rule northwestern Pennsylvania's least populated regions. Experts agree that Mayor Bighorn of Elk County likely wants to take over the entirety of western Pennsylvania. Having control of Punxsutawney has given Mayor Bighorn authority over the Groundhog Day Accords, suggesting that if he wants, he can extend winter wherever he desires, covering each region in mounds of snow. He has done it to Clarion, and will likely do it to every county who stands in his way. With Clarion County's military still lost somewhere in Butler, the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization is left with little options to stop the force of the Zugnar alliance. PLATO is folding, and each county is beginning to recognize that low-budget militaries may not be enough to protect them from this unforeseen evil.

The Clarion Front will soon observe their first attack in the history of their nation. According to sources, Elk County troops have made their way safely to the capital of Clarion County and are within just a few miles of the city. The only defenses are Jefferson County troops who evacuated their homeland weeks ago during the siege of Punxsutawney. County War One has seen success for the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, with nations such as the Venango States of America successfully eradicating East Crawford troops earlier this year. Now, it is clear who faces the risk of seeing their region taken over by the enemy. The Clarion County military has not been seen in months, ever since Venango County rejected their help during the East Crawford invasion. The troops making up the Clarion County military meant to go home, but accidentally went to Butler instead. They haven't been seen since. West Crawford military aid has arrived on schedule, with one troop armed with Meow Mix and puppy treats, prepared to defend Clarion's capital at all costs. With snow raining down on Clarion as we speak, the elk are moving swiftly, as if nature's frozen liquid is but a cloud on the ground. For the only military standing in defense of the capital seat, the snow is an irritant, making it difficult to know where the enemy might strike first. Meanwhile, in Venango County, nine-year-old Timmy has been recalled to Oil City from Forest County's capital of Marienville. Little Timmy successfully drove East Crawford's troops out of the town. After weeks of walking through the woods without showering, Timmy eventually stumbled upon Marienville and was able to drive the enemy out with his stench. Now, he is being called home in case Elk County troops manage to push past the Clarion defenses. County War One is continuing to unfold with new revelations of military ingenuity. Elk County has had the most success out of everyone in the Zugnar Alliance. PLATO is working hard to prepare for the invasion but is not confident in its ability to stand strong. Anyone who is confident has no sense of what an elk horn can potentially do.