Spitball Rocket Strikes Oil Refinery Outside of Rouseville: Zugnar Alliance Takes Blame
- Jeremy Jetfuel
- May 5
- 3 min read
A rocket containing 20 spitballs has just struck a facility outside of Rouseville, leaving 5 people living. Although we would like to claim they are dead for dramatic effect, we are not going to get sued for misinformation.
The building was struck at roughly 8 PM this evening. Despite the refinery no longer having anything to do with oil, you can see significant damage caused by whatever did the damage.
The spitballs themselves did nothing, which resulted in the two Titusville military men getting back in their truck to drive toward Oil City. They should arrive by morning.
President Mayor Blunders has called on the aide of all Pensylvania Land and Treaty Organization members to come to the defense of Oil City. In a press briefing today, Blunders surfaced from the lower levels of City Hall, which also is the City Outhouse, to encourage PLATO in the efforts to fight the Zugnar Alliance.
"Ask not what you can do for your county," Blunders told the press. "But ask what your county can do for us."
The PLATO accords are obviously not a result of Blunders' influence.
All members of PLATO have military within Venango County borders, with the exception of Forest County. We have been assured by a native of Forest County that they shall offer aide....
We are going to leave Forest County out of this fight so that this man's promise will be broken.
Mayor Phil of Punxutawney and Mayor Intelect of Clarion are under the secure watch of Allied military personnel. They have done an effective job in retreating every county that gets attacked. They are currently staying on the highest level of Oil City's only hotel.
Mercer County troops are completely recovered from last week's power shortage resulting from them standing out in the rain.
An electrician was able to tend to their wounds. All are recovered but one, who died after sticking his gulf club in his face. They are on their way to Oil City as we speak.
The Clarion County military members are also on their way to Oil City to screw everything up. Clarion's military, who recently found their way back after being lost in Butler for several months, made a wrong turn when our generals instructed them to get lost in Butler again. Now, they made the wrong turn and, for the first time in their lives, are heading straight for the battle.
Although West Crawford already has boots on the ground assisting the Jeferson County military retreat, an additional troop has been sent to Franklin, heavily armed with meow mix. He also is on his way to Oil City. His exact location has been hard to pinpoint, as he keeps forgetting to mark his territory.
Finally, for the sake of avoiding public backlash, we have decided to allow Forest County to send one troop to our aide, armed with a fishing pole and tackle. There... Now every member of PLATO can feel like they have someone here to protect us.
As for Venango County, our youngest military member, 9-year-old Timmy, is standing next to City Hall with several weeks of bad hygiene. President Mayor Blunders intends to use this stench as a deterrent to enemy forces coming from Hasson Heights, Route 8, Route 68, and Seneca Hill. A map of the battlefield is posted below for those of you on the edge of your seats.
Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County Military are also on their way after allowing East Crawford to surpass the border checkpoint outside of Titusville.
We are just one big, happy family coming together to fight three counties for no sensical reason. Western Pensylvania, the security of our world is hanging in the balance. Mayor Dumbdumb of East Crawford, Mayor Fossil Fuel of Warren, and Mayor Bighorn of Elk County have united against the cause of PLATO, hoping to bring destruction.
Their militaries are weak. Our militaries are weak. But together, we are weak and can accomplish nothing. Let us unite and rid the world of all sensical reasoning!
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