Erie County opens new law enforcement agency, headed by new director

Erie County officials have announced the implementation of a new governmental agency focused on county federal crimes. This came after several pizza detonations in West Crawford and Mercer forced neighboring counties to invade their borders.

Credit for the pizza detonations was given to Margarette Deisel Myarmsweak, who heads the Pizza Cartel. After five drive-by pizza dough slaps left locals stunned, Erie has announced that enough is enough. A new agency will now be implemented to investigate county crimes.

The County Bureau of Investigation will be tasked with investigating all crimes impacting the nation of Erie County. It will be headed by one Cash Cartel of Erie, Pennsylvania.

We can already tell that the introduction of this absurd character will produce a mix of backlash and diverse speculations about the true political implications. In the nature of pleasing every major political party, we will start by informing Republicans that his name suggests he is against the cartel. Then, we will finish by informing the Democrats that he is a part of the cartel. There... now everyone thinks we're full of sh*t....

The first mission of the Erie Bureau of Investigation will be to eradicate all pizzas in the region. Greek sauce will be outlawed, as well as pepperoni balls. We figured that since the Venango Republic is trying to expand its audience, why not leave a bad impression?

Myarmsweak is at large because she ate a twenty-four-slice. The CBI will be doing everything in their power to find and stop her from creating pizzas. Until then, it is recommended that everyone remain outdoors to make the Investigation that much more complicated.