Study: The Endurance of Chickens in the Allegheny River

A recent study tested how well chickens of varying sizes could endure the currents of the Allegheny River. Researchers from Venango County Campus used a control group of 23 chickens to see how well they would handle living like a duck.

The first set of chickens were a group which was stuffed to maximum capacity. The chickens were gently lowered into the water... better yet... the chickens were aggressively catapulted into the water. Upon hitting the surface, the fat chickens exhibited a bobbing motion. These subjects proved efficient with an exponential level of buoyancy, but unfortunately due to their odd shape, flipped upside-down. With their heads beneath the surface and their feet sticking upward, scientists could safely conclude these chickens could not swim.

The second group was skinnier than the first. When launched into the air, the chickens tried to flap their wings, but upon hitting the water, it became evident to the professors that they could not fly. These chickens were sucked beneath the surface and were never seen again.

The third group were a set of boneless chickens the professors mercilessly plucked alive. The chickens were so lightweight, they had to be dropped into the water from an overhead drone because the catapult proved insufficient. Upon hitting the water, the chickens remained afloat, but drifted away quickly and were never seen again.

Hmmmm.... Chickens....... The very animal we behead, pluck, fry, and serve for Sunday tailgate parties.... this doesn't seem offensive enough to ruffle our readers feathers....

Because Clarion University requested not to be informed of any future experiments, scientists determined it was safe to test this experiment with female cats.

5 cats were lowered into the water gently. Unfortunately, they were sucked beneath the boat and chopped to bits by the engine blades...

To avoid potential backlash from the readers, the scientists chose a safer method by lawnching five other cats from a cannon they designed. Once launched, the kitties burst into flames before hitting the water...

To avoid potential backlash from the readers, scientists made adjustments to their cannon. The final kitties were launched, but scientists forgot they fired them upside-down. The researchers observed an amazing demonstration of the cats ability to sense their peril and flip so that they would land with their feet touching the water first. These kitties were a prime example of the incredible instinct felines possess.... oh yeah... they died too....

Between the two kinds of animals used for this experiment; the chickens, cats, and one hundred and one dalmatian puppies.... OOOOOOOO! Did we forget to mention them??????

None of the subjects proved effective in demonstration survivability in the currents of the Allegheny River.

What chickens were recovered were donated to the Chick-fil-A in Erie. These mother pluckers were given as a thank you for the restaurants contribution to the American way.

And for the sake of poor stereotypes, the cats recovered were donated to the local Chinese restaurants as a thank for their contributions to society.

The one hundred and one dalmatian puppies were all recovered and donated to the local villain Cruella de Vil, who after decades, has finally recieved a spotted fur coat.