Study Shows Oil City’s Fastest Growing Industry Is Still… Its Residents’ Ability to Tolerate Disappointment

The Venango Republic does not take responsibility for any pigeons which may have been maimed by eagles during the production of this article. For more information, please visit KeepEaglesSafe.ThisWebsiteDoesntActuallyExist.com. And now, to our article, inspired by the headline which was submitted by Jenna of Franklin. Congratulations, Jenna!

A recent study finds that Oil City has a new industry exceeding the income of all other forms of production. According to studies conducted by Venango University, the disappointment of people trying to escape their community has brought in more income than any other industry currently inhabiting Oil City.

A recent survey taken by the professors at Venango University found that a hundred and twenty percent of residents are actually trying to pay city officials as a bribe to help them escape the town. Sources suggest that the bribery is actually helping to revive the city, so much that they have actually paid off the stop sign, which was on loan from Franklin.

Further study finds that since the bribes have come in, more residents have found satisfaction in realizing that their efforts are completely useless. 109% of respondents stated that after giving their money in hopes of change, they soon realized nothing would ever come of it.

“It’s as if the residents are beginning to see the light,” states Professor I Don’t Have a Degree, Doctor of Nothing from Venango University. “After having to make a sacrifice of the five pennies in their piggy banks, the residents are realizing that it is completely useless to invest anything in a town that has been declining since Quaker State blew the coop.”

For context, the professor of the university really did mean “blew the coop,” as it has been verified that the manager of Quaker State had farted while feeding his chickens prior to the company’s departure. The Venango Republic takes no responsibility for any chickens that were maimed in the process of Quaker State’s farts.

With the industry of pessimism leading the way in Oil City’s sudden revival, many are wondering how much longer the town can continue these bribes. According to experts, not very long, since much of the town doesn't make more than a penny every year. Coincidentally, the decision of every resident to lose their life savings to help revive the city did make for a temporary revival, but one that, according to experts, is not likely to last.