Study Finds Uranium Does Not Make Good Soap

In a recent study, Venango County Campus experimented with uranium to determine if it's properties are in fact effective in cleaning germs off of fur and skin. Due to the backlash of using kittens in their trial of seeing how alcohol impacts the human body, Venango Campus determined it was best to avoid controversy all together and instead use adult female cats.

The results consisted of varying outcomes. While test subjects showed a complete removal of germs from their bodies, the cats also showed forms of distress during the experiment as if someone were taking a blow torch to their bodies.

Researchers could not understand the immense pain the cats seemed to be exhibiting but decided to continue the experiment till the fur was burned completely so they could observe the skin underneath. After being scratched several times the scientists were able to put the cats to permanent sleep by continuous exposure to the Uranium. This was convenient as it allowed the scientists to more thoroughly observe how well the uranium soap cleaned the animals.

At this point, it seemed like the only issues standing in the way were the skin rashes and the unforseen deaths from too much exposure. Scientists at the campus were able to determine that aside from these side effects, the soap was effective in terminating germs.

The dead cats were sent to Clarion University for further examination. Clarion University once again called the campus in Venango and screamed at them. Clarion determined that the adult cats had developed cancer from exposure to the Uranium. Venango Campus has now been warned not to use any cats "PERIOD" in their experiments.

This fake story is NOT brought to you by the Venango County Humane Society located on 286 South Main street in Seneca and whose phone number is 814-677-4040, and who upon learning of this article will probably have a heart attack.