A local man has put the community in an upproar by attempting to poke fun at our beloved city. Jeremy Jetfuel, a local prankster has published online content that seeks to undersell the high class nature of our prosperous city by painting individuals as poor uneducated rednecks who have no access to modern technology and are lacking knowledge of the outside world. In his recent publications, Jetfuel caused local residents to protest his works as they claimed he has defamed one of the wealthiest cities known to the county residents. City officials are also outraged by the recent publications and are considering fining Jetfuel an astronomical 50 cents which exceeds the local treasury by 50 cents. Local prosecutors are prepared to take legal action but are facing difficulties with state law books that haven't been updated in 40 years. With no modern phones, and only a broken telegraph machine (Google telegraph if you don't know what it is), the city has no way to communicate with the state capital to know what laws exist pertaining to online content. The Mayor of Oil City has offered a reward of 10 cents to anyone who can successfully communicate with the State Governor for information on the legality of Jetfuels articles. Mayor Blunder also offers a 5 cent incentive for anyone who can inform him on who the State Governor is. Blunder also says he will include an additional 5 cents to anyone who can inform him what state this is. Until Oil City successfully communicates with the State Capital, one can only imagine how much more content Jetfuel will create. Mayor Blunder is advising the residents of Oil City to come together and protest this disgusting satirical website created to poke fun at the high societal culture of Oil City. So far, everyone has no idea what he's talking about because no one in town has ever used the internet. Jetfuel is being held at the local McDonald's for questioning. They would send him to the county prison, but driving him to Franklin exceeds the city budget.

Mayor Blunder, now serving his 7th term for Oil City, is at risk of impeachment. It's less than a month till the three year anniversary of Mayor Blunder losing the coffee can containing all 25 dollars of the city treasury fund. Blunder has been looking long and hard for the container in hopes of balancing the city debt. Unfortunately, Blunder has been unsuccessful. Much of the city is wondering how a Mayor can be so stupid as to lose the only money in the city treasury. Mayor Blunder defended himself in a press briefing stating that the towns folk are just as stupid for electing a Mayor 7 times even though he has the word "Blunder" in his name. After making this statement the Mayor retraced his steps from the day the coffee can went missing but was unsuccessful in locating it. A new proposal has been made by the city treasurer for a bill that would require city funds to be securely placed in the city hall. Mayor Blunder dismissed the proposal stating that "because our city hall is also the public city outhouse, securing our funds here would require placing it where it is sure to be buried in mountains of s***." After this comment, the Mayor contributed all 25 cents of his weekly paycheck to the city swear jar. In other news, Oil City residents 25 years overdue for 35 trillion dollar debt to city swear jar.

A local church famously known for that person who got stoned on the corner, announced yesterday plans to update their music style to appeal to a younger generation. Pastor Rye Burst, along with worship leader Tie-Dye Absorbant, are working tirelessly to develop skills in the more modernized folk style hymn singing. "We recognize that modernizing worship is key to catching a young crowd" Burst states "at the same time, we didn't want to go much more modern than Johny Cash because the stuff they play nowadays goes against our legalistic beliefs." To help enforce this view, the church has elected to keep the pipe organ to remind visitors that man made tradition supersedes innovation. "Most those organ sounds can be found on a standard electric keyboard" said Absorbent "but we perceive modern electric instruments as materialistic. Thats why we instead cleave to more cumbersome instruments that exhibit a traditionaly sacrimental look to flaunt our righteous standing." It's not just the instruments. The church of First Orange Juice says they want to update their wardrobe as well. "Our pastor wears a suit because Jesus would have done so if they were available in His time." Mr. Absorbent says "However, people below the hierarchy only have to wear them on special occasions." The worship leaders for instance are trying to be hip for the young crowd by dressing more casual. But not too casual... Anything less than a polo shirt with slacks is sacrilegious. "Our church strongly believes God wants us to come as we are" states Burst "but that certainly doesn't mean come serve as you are! There's a fine line between T and Polo. If your shirt lacks a collar and has designs with words, you obviously need to get out of everyones sight." According to the elder Boblehead Flashlight, words on a shirt are distracting from worship even if the message glorifies God. "I remember one guy playing guitar on stage had a shirt depicting a cross with the words 'Jesus Saves!'" You can imagine how detestable such provocative imagery was to the people trying to worship Jesus that Sunday. That's why Flashlight had the perpetrator removed from his role the following week until he agreed to buy better clothing. "Oil City has a lot of poor people lacking the funds to buy formal clothing" says Absorbant "as much as we want them to know they are children of God, we need to make it clear that people of that class can never be used by God looking that filthy. If you have the clothes, great! If you cant afford it, just wait till you can and then we'll talk about where we want you." As it pertains to the ladder of success at the church of First Orange Juice, it has been determined that intelligence is the key to Biblical knowledge. "Part of our hierarchy is a matter of how old you are. This can easily be measured by the wrinkles on your face and how gray your hair looks" says Flashlight. Granted, some young men have tried to get around this through smoking excessively and dying their hair gray. According to Flashlight, such individuals face major consequences like getting stoned on the corner. There is one exception for young men... A Bible degree at a 4 year university. According to associate pastor Mitt Huntsbabyboy, Bible degrees are essential for young men to be used in positions of hierarchy. "Unless you possess a bachelor's of Biblical studies, do not question the teachings and instructions" says Huntsbabyboy "yes, we teach that God is an all powerful being who has the capacity to empower any man with His wisdom regardless of age, class or social status. That doesn't mean we believe it, and we certainly won't give anyone the chance to prove it. We rather you work for success and then give God credit for what you prove through works of righteousness." The church of First Orange Juice is working hard to maintain a modern traditional appeal. Too modern, and the old people get upset. Too traditional, and young people wont come. According to Pastor Burst "the key is to please the old generation while making it seem like you have a heart for the modern crowd." Think of it as nontraditional legalism. Or in the words of William Scrubadubdub "we just need to look like we're trying without losing our outward sense of importance."

Mayor Blunder, a local politician who has lost three consecutive runs, has finally beat Jimmy Swaggart for Oil City mayor. The election was decided at 6 PM yesterday when the judge of election finished dinner and counted the last nine ballots. "I was very upset to learn that I lost the election" Swaggart stated. "I invested all my savings in campaigning on the north side of Oil City." Swaggart, who is estimated to have lost $45 on his campaign, has demanded all 97 ballots be recounted. According to local experts however, the result is not likely to change. "This has been a long ride" stated Blunder. "I knew I had no chance on the north side seeing that Swaggart grew up there. I guess I was lucky enough people showed up to vote." A recount has been scheduled for Monday to ensure no fraud has taken place. Final judgement will go to the Venango Supreme Court if evidence is discovered.

Mayor Blunder and city treasurer Kenedy Voldermort have signed an executive order for all Oil City welcome signs to include the phrase "We used to be great!" "Our towns biggest boast is that we used to have a population here" Stated Voldermort. "We were the world's biggest deal before the oil dried up and everyone left. We feel that the old philosophy of 'live in the past' is bound to bring industry back to our beloved town." This massive project will take time according to Mayor Blunder. "There are three whole signs on each side of town and unfortunately it is only in our budget to write the slogan in crayon." Mayor Blunder hopes to increase the budget with the cities 25 dollars they keep in a coffee can. "It's been missing for two years but I know I'll find it eventually. Then we can do a massive spending to upgrade those signs." Civic improvements have been the city councils number one priority for years. Since the installation of the fountain and addition of the Christmas lights on the bridge, you can barely notice the abandoned buildings crumbling into the river. Residents are also enthusiastic about the future of tourism in the town. "On the North side I found a plaque across the street from where the old hospital building used to be. It says Charlie Chapline started his career in Oil City!" Stated one resident. "I don't know who that is, but that must be pretty significant!" Charlie Chapline was a famous silent film actor in the 1920s. And it's true... He did start his career in Oil City... Then moved on to Hollywood where his career could go places, but that's not the point... The point is, he used to live in a town that used to be great! The civic improvements, the plaque on the north side, and the enthusiasm of those invested in progress says a lot about Oil Cities potential. While it is true these will amount to nothing with buildings crumbling into the river, the spirit of what made Oil City great lives on in the hearts of its enthusiasts... which amounts to about five people who have never seen time square.

The local Board of Education has canceled school today due to a dead squirrel on Orange St. The squirrel died sometime last night and is laying on the side of the road the city school bus crosses every morning. The Board of Education made this decision due to the frailty of the 70 year old bus whose engine is hanging on by a bungee chord. The last time an animal died in the road, it took officials 12 hours to have it removed. Officers warn that the city bus is so fragile, hitting the squirrel could cause all 4 wheels to fall off. While proposals were made to drive around the squirrel, city officials feared it would waste too much fuel on a tax payer budget. Mayor Blunder said in a statement that plans are underway to have this squirrel removed before the end of the day. "Our local adults need to complete the 3rd grade. We've been waiting 30 years for this and we can't let a dead animal stand in our way." Authorities are skating up the hill as we speak and will likely be there by dinner time. If the removal is successful, local residents can return to school tomorrow morning.

The city council is perplexed by the recent disappearance of our city hall. Oil Cities proud monumental structure was unexpectedly lost last night. Witness accounts say that a gang of rats drug the structure into the sewers but no trail was left to follow. "This is horrible news!" Said Mayor Blunder in a press briefing to the only reporter in Oil City. "Our budget cannot afford to put up another 10 by 10 structure! We need to get it back!" The local police are doing everything they can to search the sewers. Even recruiting the K9 unit which consists of a 30 year old poodle who is tired and frail. "We have all local law enforcement out looking for the structure and we promise that we will hold those rats accountable" Police Chief Flounders stated in a press briefing to the only reporter in town. The three city council men are set to have another meeting on budgetary cuts next week. The meeting has been moved to the local McDonald's at the center of town.

The Venango Republic has followed the trend of local craft vendors for years. Since 2018, the local community has seen a mass overhaul of useless craft stores that move into locations once possessed by stores that serve a purpose. Unsurprisingly, these craft stores die quickly when the owners soon realize nobody wants their stuff. Oddly enough, despite there being a billion failed attempts to introduce craft vendors in the Cranberry Mall, locals can't take a hint that nobody wants a homade tshirt made from Eskimo fur and dried up macaroni. Statistics show that there have been on average 10 attempts per month to open craft stores in the three most populated regions of the county. Between Cranberry, Oil City, and Franklin, only six have managed to last more than a week. These 6 businesses report that it is the same old woman keeping them in business because she is "the only rich woman in the county with a hoarder mentality." The Venango Republic tried to identify this woman but she died this morning for the convenience of this article. Local experts are trying to figure out why these stores are suffering from the inability to succeed. According to a study from the only smart guy in the county (often referred to as the village intelect), "nobody shops at Martha's Pig Skinned Panties for the same reasons they didn't shop at Bonton when it was in the Mall. Brick and mortar is a thing of the past." You would think this would have to do with the growth in online shopping trends. Not so. A recent survey found that 99.8% of people in the county don't know what internet is and that all of them still use rotary phones. "The real issue is that people cannot keep up with the financial demands of renting space for a store" stated Mayor Blunder. "The city only has a budget of 25 dollars and it's been three years since we misplaced the coffee container we keep it in." Just based on this information, you can imagine why local businesses owners also struggle to afford space for their craft stores. Another issue is transportation. A recent study found that 82% of local residents don't have money for gas to get to the store. Martha Jazzyjazz states that she gets to work in an old run down jeep that her husband removed the floor from. This way she can run the car to work like Fred Flinstone. Jazzyjazz also states she had a craftstore last year where she tried to sell winter hats made of chicken feathers. She made a down-payment of 3 dollars out of her life savings. After 4 days and only her 3 year old son as a customer, she flew the coop. Despite the local poverty and economic challenges that local businesses are facing, we are finding these craft vendors won't give up. Tourism is at an all time low and even the locals can't afford to make it to the store. This should send an obvious message to the local community regarding craft stores once occupied by a Blockbuster movie rental company. If you build it, THEY WON'T COME! Despite this publication, 5 more craft stores have just opened up in downtown Franklin. And just as I edited this article and republished it, 5 more have closed. GEE PEOPLE! CAN'T I CATCH A BREAK?!?!?!

The Oil City Board of Education has finally found a candidate to teach the second grade. Karen Dickelbuck, age 58, is the first person to qualify in 30 years after miraculously achieving third grade level knowledge. Karen is a self taught student who recognized the need for higher education after a survey found that 98% of Oil City never graduated the second grade. "We have waited such a long time for this" stated Mayor Blunder. "Our City has struggled to find people capable of teaching such curriculum as that there 3rd grade." Mayor Blunder has been pushing for reformed education since the population decreased in the mid 90s. A survey of the towns historical notes suggest that when the oil dried up, all the smart people left. The experts who remain have tried to guess where such people departed. Unfortunately, no one who has ever crossed the Venango county boarder ever seems to return, leaving some to wonder what exists beyond the land they call "Clarion." Dickelbuck is set to start teaching the third grade next week. All the city residents are reportedly excited to finally learn what this multiplication concept is all about. Classes will begin at the usual time. The city school bus has yet to be tested but the old bus driver is confident it will start after 30 years of just sitting. He too plans to attend the 3rd grade classes. Mayor Blunder will not be attending. At the age of 60, he is still working his way through preschool.

Once again the city of Oil City is facing massive cuts in their budgetary system losing a networth of 25 cents in the last five days. The city council met last night at the local McDonald's to go over spending and determined cuts in the local police budget were essential for balancing the books. Starting tomorrow, all motorcycle cops will once again downgrade from skateboards to a pair of roller skates. This will be the largest cut since giving up their line of amish skooters. Fuel cuts will also take place with cops switching from monster energy to a can of beans. Mayor Blunder believes that excessive farting will propel the skates sufficiently. As for the armory, policemen will be permitted to maintain their spitball shooters but will be limited to half a spitball. With half the department let go last month, the town is down to two police officers and a poodle to replace the k9 unit. Mayor Blunder is urging local crime bosses to hold off on illegal transactions till the city is able to afford more personnel.

Many have criticized the city for failing in attempts to bring in tourists. Well guess what... The city has finally done something about the decreasing population. We went to dollar general and bought Christmas lights to put on the bridge! This is the biggest step to tourist attractions since the city council paid to put a fountain outside the ugliest building in town. Mock if you want. The cities smartest statical experts are predicting droves of people will come as far as Franklin city. Oil City will put itself on the map once again!

That's why we don't have any articles to post about local entertainment