The Venango Republic has followed the trend of local craft vendors for years. Since 2018, the local community has seen a mass overhaul of useless craft stores that move into locations once possessed by stores that serve a purpose. Unsurprisingly, these craft stores die quickly when the owners soon realize nobody wants their stuff. Oddly enough, despite there being a billion failed attempts to introduce craft vendors in the Cranberry Mall, locals can't take a hint that nobody wants a homade tshirt made from Eskimo fur and dried up macaroni. Statistics show that there have been on average 10 attempts per month to open craft stores in the three most populated regions of the county. Between Cranberry, Oil City, and Franklin, only six have managed to last more than a week. These 6 businesses report that it is the same old woman keeping them in business because she is "the only rich woman in the county with a hoarder mentality." The Venango Republic tried to identify this woman but she died this morning for the convenience of this article. Local experts are trying to figure out why these stores are suffering from the inability to succeed. According to a study from the only smart guy in the county (often referred to as the village intelect), "nobody shops at Martha's Pig Skinned Panties for the same reasons they didn't shop at Bonton when it was in the Mall. Brick and mortar is a thing of the past." You would think this would have to do with the growth in online shopping trends. Not so. A recent survey found that 99.8% of people in the county don't know what internet is and that all of them still use rotary phones. "The real issue is that people cannot keep up with the financial demands of renting space for a store" stated Mayor Blunder. "The city only has a budget of 25 dollars and it's been three years since we misplaced the coffee container we keep it in." Just based on this information, you can imagine why local businesses owners also struggle to afford space for their craft stores. Another issue is transportation. A recent study found that 82% of local residents don't have money for gas to get to the store. Martha Jazzyjazz states that she gets to work in an old run down jeep that her husband removed the floor from. This way she can run the car to work like Fred Flinstone. Jazzyjazz also states she had a craftstore last year where she tried to sell winter hats made of chicken feathers. She made a down-payment of 3 dollars out of her life savings. After 4 days and only her 3 year old son as a customer, she flew the coop. Despite the local poverty and economic challenges that local businesses are facing, we are finding these craft vendors won't give up. Tourism is at an all time low and even the locals can't afford to make it to the store. This should send an obvious message to the local community regarding craft stores once occupied by a Blockbuster movie rental company. If you build it, THEY WON'T COME! Despite this publication, 5 more craft stores have just opened up in downtown Franklin. And just as I edited this article and republished it, 5 more have closed. GEE PEOPLE! CAN'T I CATCH A BREAK?!?!?!

The Oil City Board of Education has finally found a candidate to teach the second grade. Karen Dickelbuck, age 58, is the first person to qualify in 30 years after miraculously achieving third grade level knowledge. Karen is a self taught student who recognized the need for higher education after a survey found that 98% of Oil City never graduated the second grade. "We have waited such a long time for this" stated Mayor Blunder. "Our City has struggled to find people capable of teaching such curriculum as that there 3rd grade." Mayor Blunder has been pushing for reformed education since the population decreased in the mid 90s. A survey of the towns historical notes suggest that when the oil dried up, all the smart people left. The experts who remain have tried to guess where such people departed. Unfortunately, no one who has ever crossed the Venango county boarder ever seems to return, leaving some to wonder what exists beyond the land they call "Clarion." Dickelbuck is set to start teaching the third grade next week. All the city residents are reportedly excited to finally learn what this multiplication concept is all about. Classes will begin at the usual time. The city school bus has yet to be tested but the old bus driver is confident it will start after 30 years of just sitting. He too plans to attend the 3rd grade classes. Mayor Blunder will not be attending. At the age of 60, he is still working his way through preschool.

Once again the city of Oil City is facing massive cuts in their budgetary system losing a networth of 25 cents in the last five days. The city council met last night at the local McDonald's to go over spending and determined cuts in the local police budget were essential for balancing the books. Starting tomorrow, all motorcycle cops will once again downgrade from skateboards to a pair of roller skates. This will be the largest cut since giving up their line of amish skooters. Fuel cuts will also take place with cops switching from monster energy to a can of beans. Mayor Blunder believes that excessive farting will propel the skates sufficiently. As for the armory, policemen will be permitted to maintain their spitball shooters but will be limited to half a spitball. With half the department let go last month, the town is down to two police officers and a poodle to replace the k9 unit. Mayor Blunder is urging local crime bosses to hold off on illegal transactions till the city is able to afford more personnel.

Many have criticized the city for failing in attempts to bring in tourists. Well guess what... The city has finally done something about the decreasing population. We went to dollar general and bought Christmas lights to put on the bridge! This is the biggest step to tourist attractions since the city council paid to put a fountain outside the ugliest building in town. Mock if you want. The cities smartest statical experts are predicting droves of people will come as far as Franklin city. Oil City will put itself on the map once again!

That's why we don't have any articles to post about local entertainment

The biggest sport around the area drew the largest crowd our city has ever seen. 8 total people showed up to the local cornhole tournament allowing for two games to take place at once. This beat last years tournament that only drew two people including the old man who lives at Mcdonalds. The cornhole competition got off to a rough start. Johny Hickleberry threw the first bean bag that bounced off the board. Jenifer Smellypants attempted to go up by throwing another bean bag that also bounced off the opponent's board. Each player just kept throwing bean bags back and forth that for some reason would not land on the boards. It wasn't until the mayor, Jim Jetfuel put an end to the competition realizing that the participants were too malnourished to play because Oil City is poor.

Harrold Redneck, a four year Counselman of Oil City passed away earlier today at the age of 102. According to sources, Redneck died of shock when an outside visitor showed him a picture of a city he called New York. Witnesses say that Redneck was filling his gas tank at the edge of town just before the incident occurred. The unidentified visitor is said to have been lost and stumbled onto Oil City by accident. While asking for directions, conversation persisted between the New Yorker and Redneck about who's city was bigger. When the outsider pulled out a picture revealing unbelievably high buildings, Redneck went into cardiac arrest. Witnesses immediately denied the possibility of a city larger than Oil City and accused the outsider of producing his photo with dark magic. Onlookers were further offended when the visitor insisted that life exists beyond the border of Clarion. The name of the perpetrator is being kept confidential as local police investigate his intent. A hearing will be held next Tuesday at the abandoned train station. Redneck's funeral has yet to be announced as the family want's time to grieve his loss.