Locals Can't Pick Battles

We here at the Venango Republic choose to remain neutral on significant public affairs. We recognize that networks catering to one side over another are bound to leave some people angry. Because it's our goal to make everyone angry, we've looked for the arguments nobody likes and have decided to throw them in your face in the most distasteful way.

It was roughly 7 years ago when a bench sitting in the most overly funded poor excuse for a park caused controversy for roughly a week. After the conflict was resolved, everyone moved on and forgot the bench existed. Because the Venango Republic loves to stir the pot, we have chosen to go back in time and revisit this controversy. Because we don't like anybody and are trying to make the whole public mad at us, we must warn in advance that if you are an atheist, or religious, or even exist for that matter, we will not be apologizing for what you are about to read mainly because we are a bunch of heartless pricks.

Now, sit back, relax, and get ready for your blood to boil as you read about the bench that should have been benched.

It was a sunny day... Possibly raining... We don't know because the prick who stirred the pot won't reveal themselves... They were walking through Oil Cities far cry from a concert hall when all of the sudden, an inanimate object offended them!

Mind you, inanimate objects can't talk, and this person finding pleasure in walking through Oil Cities wanna be Central Park does suggest some insanity. However, when you read the inscription written on the bench they observed, you begin to get caught between two forms of rationale...

This presents quite a dilemma... On one hand we are raised to believe that sticks and stones can break our bones but words can't do a thing... On the other hand... The bench is calling atheists tyrants even though many of them vote for Christians sometimes. Of course, that bench is telling some truth if the Christian voted for by the atheist winds up being a tyrant. On the other hand, if a bunch of atheists don't vote for a Christian, but all the other Christians manage to vote that Christian in anyway, and the Christian isn't a tyrant, then those athiests aren't being ruled by a tyrant because the Christians outweighing their numbers prevented that from happening meaning the bench is wrong!

🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵

One thing is for sure. Whoever made that bench is a prick. Additionally, the person offended by the prick became a prick too because they chose to contact an organization of pricks who threatened to sue the city.

Wow! There are so many sides to this story! I don't know which one to prick!

The organization was American Athiests, who despite having the initials AA were not drinking heavily when they threatened to sue. Mind you, they have never been to the city before or after the incident. Neither did they know Oil City existed. They also don't remember Oil City exists because it's a town people try to put out of their minds. Nonetheless they threatened to sue which is ironic you can do that to a town you have no association with.

Dang! I am religious, but I could really use the money. You mean becoming rich is as easy as denouncing my faith for a few seconds and suing a town I've never been to? Count me in!

P.s. I'm sorry God... I got carried away... At least I know I'm a prick.

The president of Alcoholics Anonymous appeared on Tucker Carlson to plead her case and proved to be a prick like the guy who designed the bench...

Nothing screams Karen like Alison Gill, who on this platform, we will refer to as Assholey Assatan (We don't want a defamation lawsuit for using her real name). Fox News had very little impact on changing the outcome of the situation the world could care less about. Nonetheless Oil Cities compliance was not without boldness.

Oil City moved the bench to avoid a lawsuit because they already wasted 300 thousand on a fountain and lights for an ugly bridge. The town showed up in droves to voice their patriotism...

Wow! That really screams January 6th at an Oil City level...

Eventually, everyone moved on and forgot this was a thing. As for the bench, it was moved from the Oil City Park to the VFW across town. Or in layman’s terms... From one location nobody walks by to another location nobody walks by.

7 years later and the bench made by a prick doesn't impact anyone. It doesn't impact the athiests who forgot it was there. It also doesn't impact the Christians who, despite treating it like a holy relic, have not visited it since...

Basically, we got worked up because we couldn't decide which abandoned place to put the bench. Also... What God did that bench want us to worship? Technically they all denounce eachother so I wanna know so I'm not ruled by tyrants... Is it Buda? Alah? Jesus? Johny Depp? I REALLY NEED TO KNOW!

Maybe it's a God we don't have access to like the one the North Sentinels worship (actual island of uncontacted natives who aggressively spear people down when they step on the island).... If it's that God, we're screwed!