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The Venezuelan military is facing deportation after failing to cross legally. Based on sources we made up, a group of military personnel crossed into the U.S. attempting to capture the President. Unfortunately, they broke the law by forgetting their visa. "We are fortunate to have caught these men when we did." States an ICE agent who doesn't exist. "We understand they want to get back at us. But there's a legal way to kidnap the president, and there's the way they went about it." As of last night, the first retaliation attempt by the Venezuelan military was immediately foiled after they discovered the Whitehouse is surrounded by guns. According to unreliable sources, five military men armed with low-grade potato cannons tried surrounding the White House but were unable to figure out how to climb over the wall. Air support was no help due to paper airplanes being cheap. Authorities were tipped off about the illegal crossing after the Venezuelan Military members ordered a corn and bean topping pizza with no crust or sauce. Within minutes, ICE moved into Washington and were met with resistance by protesters, who instinctively concluded the deportation was racist. Several protesters admitted they weren’t sure what they were protesting, but felt strongly about it anyway. Citizens held up several signs defending the Venezuelan men. Captions ranged from "they were leaving anyways" to "we are a melting pot for all! ICE is not welcome!" Technically, ICE melts, so we're still trying to figure out that one. Agents encountered riots that frankly, left the out of shape protesters with more bruises. Fortunately for the protesters, the insults from the crowd left each ICE agent feeling under appreciated. One official stated that the words were so harsh, it left him feeling hurt. In a press briefing today, President Maduro addressed the nation of Venezuela over the failed operation. “We will not stop pushing to achieve this objective.” states Maduro. “Our government has been planning this all week. We will get Trump if it's the last thing we do.” Maduro finished his statement and was then escorted back to his cell after being informed that leisure time was over. The zoom calls between President Maduro and his country will continue until they successfully find a plan that works, or completely give up. Until then, the warden politely has asked Maduro to stop running over his time.

We here at the Venango Republic stand by our word when we say that our goal is to tick everyone off. Due to a series of articles that consistently point out the hypocrisies of one side, we feel that it is time we point out the hypocrisies of another side of an issue. This time, we go after the conservatives who wildly exaggerate the motives of a woman who just wanted to drive off, thinking that the agent would jump out of the way. Granted, we acknowledge that the agent did not wake up that morning thinking to himself, “I want to shoot a woman in the face.” But when the Vice President comes before the press and says this is "an act of terror," we must say to ourselves, really? You’re going to compare some woman pulling her car forward and almost hitting an agent to an airline jet taking down the Twin Towers? That’s a bit of a stretch. We’re not here to please everybody. We’re here to make you all angry. And now, it is time for us to point out the hypocrisies of the far right. We already talked about how the media pretends they care that Renee is dead. They really just think it’s convenient that she died at the hands of an ICE agent. As for the conservatives pretending that she meant to run him over, you also are not looking at the gray area. Here’s a scenario. A woman says, “I don’t want to deal with this,” and pulls her car forward, thinking any sensible person will jump out of the way. The officer can’t see the tires turning all the way to the right and thinks she’s trying to run him over. He then shoots her. A simple misunderstanding results in the death of a woman who was caught in the middle of a heated exchange. Nobody woke up that morning thinking, “I want to kill somebody.” They were just extremely heated. And in the heat of the moment, something unfortunate happened that neither individual wanted to be caught up in. That simple. Calling her a terrorist is about as dumb as it can get. Could you imagine if the news reports came out the next day with this absurdity? "A woman committed an act of terror when her car hit a telephone pole and killed nobody. It was a suicide mission because she hoped to get shot in the face. That equates to some guys intentionally wrecking a plane into a building." Calling it an act of terror is like saying that one dead ICE agent brings the country to our knees. Yes, it would have been sad if he died, just as sad as it is that she died. Can both parties acknowledge that there is a gray area we’re all too proud to acknowledge because we’re so focused on a political agenda? One side wants to call ICE evil. The other side wants to call the left evil. Meanwhile, I would say that you’re both evil because you’re using the death of an innocent person to accuse each other rather than actually grieving. Stop pretending you care that the person is dead, and acknowledge that you’re just excited to make a political statement. That goes for both Republicans and Democrats. And I know for a fact that nobody really cares she’s dead because several other people died this week while being shot by other individuals, and they’re not being talked about because they weren't political.

The Tionesta branch of Alcoholics Anonymous is requesting new recruits after their last member announced he is sober. According to sources, Derek, who yesterday referred to himself as an alcoholic, announced that he no longer craves drunkenness. The news shocked the town, which has a population of about three people. The other two citizens also moved on from AA last year after a lifelong dedication to moonshine. “I tried to stick it out as long as I could,” says Derek, who still refuses to say his last name. “I knew I was recovering way too fast for the program and tried to at least struggle with booze once a week. Unfortunately, I hate the stuff now.” The board for Tionesta’s AA group now no longer exists. With the entire branch completely dried up, AA enthusiasts are asking how they can revive the program. “It’s just sad to realize it is no longer available for those who need it,” says Suzy Sober, who oddly was holding a needle during the interview. Derek attended weekly for an entire year as the only member. He would introduce himself by saying, “Hi, I’m Derek. I’m an alcoholic,” then talk to himself about all his problems. “It was such a great group to draw inspiration from,” Derek expressed to us. “I needed this circle in that last year to help me recover. Now, to my shame, I no longer qualify. I just ask that locals start doing their part and take an interest in alcohol so we can keep it going.” The residents will be holding a town meeting this weekend to discuss ways to resolve the lack of drinkers in the community. Proposals may include a Nonalcoholics Anonymous for people wanting to regress from sobriety. Visit your local Wine and Spirits to offer your support today!

Between Clarion, Crawford, and Venango County, there are several martial arts schools offering various styles of self-defense. Many of these schools consist of instructors who have competed in legitimate tournaments and even put their bodies on the line in cage matches. Hollywood has not called about filming Kung Fu Panda Visits PA, but that doesn't mean there aren't good schools here. You just need to know what makes a school reputable and what to consider. The Venango Republic sticks to the policy of only talking about businesses for the purpose of promoting them. Although this article was inspired by a dojo with a fake martial art, we are not going to call out that business by name because we don't want to break that trust with the community. Instead, we are going to recommend the best schools, lay out some basic criteria for a good academy, and hope to God you people are smart enough to avoid that fake dojo. Note:  There are several martial arts schools that may go unmentioned in this article. This does not mean they are bad options. It just means we can't cover every possible one. On the same token, we are so sick of people saying "how about that martial art school in..." and referencing that one that keepstelling people "it's a rare martial art." We're sick of parents getting scammed and so we're going to lay this out clearly. Here are things to consider when choosing a martial arts school. 1. Have the instructors competed before? Every martial arts school promises expertise on how to fight. In the ’90s, the UFC quickly weeded out every bad martial art by showing legitimate fighters wiping the floors with the fakers. The difference? The real fighters had been in knockout matches before, where they risked bodily injury to put someone else to sleep. When you go to a martial arts school, ask yourself if the instructor has ever been in a cage match, boxing tournament, or taken a fist to the face. One notable school that encourages their students to participate in these competitions is Clarion MMA. Each instructor for Clarion MMA has competed in several competitions, between Jujitsu tournaments, cage matches, and point-based tournaments. They also have intense training at certain times of the week that involve rolling (real-time jujitsu) with other students. Their walls are filled with medals, we assume weren't bought at the dollar store, demonstrating how much their instructors have pushed themselves to learn legitimate fighting skills. Finally, they also have a fish pond if you like to look at fish. 2. Has the martial art appeared in the UFC or other major fighting competitions? As mentioned before, every martial art claims to teach self-defense. The problem is that they only teach theories and practice in slow-motion fighting simulations. There's a reason Shaolin, Aikido, Tai Chi, and other martial arts aren't used in the UFC. They were either tried early on and failed when the users were knocked out cold, or people already knew that they don't work. Take that Steven Seagal! Another school that fits this criteria is Sonic Jujitsu. The guy who runs this school is a legit martial artist who specializes in Jujitsu (hence the name) and Muay Thai. Like the school mentioned before, these students are encouraged to compete in real-time competitions. We know this because their name comes up in other martial arts schools that have had to compete against them as rivals. When our lead journalist took classes at a rival location, people complained about Sonic showing up to Jujitsu tournaments with jacked competitors. We're not sure why the students were complaining... Just start lifting weights you weaklings! 3. What is their lineage? What affiliations promote them? Titusville has a school associated with the Gracie family and Gracie University, an international chain of schools famous for Jujitsu. In fact, the person running it is the pupil of Helio Gracie’s son, a legend whose family defines modern Jujitsu. For anyone familiar with UFC legends, the name Gracie stands out because of Royce Gracie's dominance in the ’90s. Relson Gracie, the other son of Helio, has several academies associated with his name, one of which is based in Titusville. Relson Gracie Jujitsu in Titusville falls under that umbrella and needs no more justification from us. I mean, it's in the name! Justifying them is like trying to explain why fire is great for burning down a building. 4. What does their social media show? Obviously, new students are likely to have poor punching technique, and a few Facebook videos are not going to determine if the school is legit or not. However, if a school that claims to teach kickboxing has 100 videos on their Facebook page with students showing the same poor punching and kicking techniques, that should raise immediate red flags, especially if not one video shows a student with good technique. What’s worse is if the “master” of the art also looks untrained when he punches. At that point, you might as well learn from a piece of bologna. 5. How intense is the school? Pressure testing is the process of using your martial art in real time. Attackers don't come at their targets in slow motion. If you think otherwise, walk through central park at night. At some point, a student needs to learn to manage a fight in real time. Things to consider are how intense the classes get and how fit longtime students look compared to newcomers. If every student has that grandma flab beneath thier arm, it's fair to assume the cardio isn't being worked. Good Karma Jujitsu in Meadville falls under the lineage of Gracie Jujitsu. We'll be honest and say that we have never been to this school. However, although videos of bad students don't fully determine if a school is bad, videos of good students say a lot about a school. The videos on Good Karma's Facebook page show their students in real-time practice simulations. The students show good technique, physically fit bodies, which suggests good workout training, and real-time pressure testing. The association with Gracie Jujitsu also says a lot about their legitimacy. We boy before your lineage Good Karma. 6. Are they open to other martial arts? A big red flag is when a school claims that their martial art is “the martial art” for self-defense. There's a reason why mixed martial arts is a popular choice for people. Fighting is diverse with several possible approaches. You'll notice that the most common fighting style mentioned so far is Jujitsu; however, those schools often implement other styles as well. When a school claims it's too good for other styles, fails to pressure test in real time, then says it's too good to pressure test because they "don't believe in starting fights," you can assume they are making excuses to avoid admitting they're too scared to get smacked in the head. Pressure testing does not mean you will go out looking for fights. It just means you are preparing for when someone tries to hit you with a crow bar. 7. Do they make excuses for when their style fails? The dojo that inspired this article is popular in its community because it's been around for the last few decades. Unfortunately, being around a long time doesn't make the martial art any good. Try explaining that to everyone who knows the owner of the dojo. A few years ago, I took a self-defense class from an officer who proudly cited his 11 years of training at this dojo. He then went on to explain how confused he was when his techniques failed to work in his profession. The dojo led him to believe that the style failed because "all martial arts are that way" and that a martial art can "only work against itself." Why the hell would you take martial arts then? This argument is just an excuse not to admit that the style doesn't work. Think about it: your fighting style is inferior to a guy who doesn't take martial arts? Then why train in that style if inexperience beats experience? Saying your style only works against itself is a really bad argument. Plus, when you think about it, you're pretty much admitting it doesn’t work period. Just stay clueless so you're equally matched with the bad guy. 8. How common is the style? Don't get us wrong. There are several common styles that do not work and are only popular due to tradition. That's why you need to consider every factor, especially whether they pressure test. When an instructor openly admits his style is a “rare martial art,” you need to be skeptical. Why is it rare? Were the secrets hidden beneath a rock until last week? "Oh master, how fortunate we are to come under the tutelage of a style uncommon in the world of self defense." It's probably because your style doesn't work master wrong. 9. Do they claim they can fend off multiple attackers? Imagine the master asks three of his students to stand on each side of him. He tells each one to attack him one at a time and to do it in a specific way, at a certain speed. Graciously, he deters their "attacks" with his flabby arms one at a time, sending them to the floor in an unrealistic manor. Later you go to a bar and piss off a group of drunks. Before they attack, you try to lay out these same guidelines but are rudely interrupted by them rushing you at once. Hopefully one of them will cover your visit to UPMC. MORON! Conclusion We would like to say that bad martial arts stick out like a sore thumb. Unfortunately, a terrible school exists just a half mile from us with students leaving reviews about how "great the dojo is." A master can think he is good when he sucks, students can think highly of a lowsy practicioner, and a whole community can think so highly of a dojo that they don't want to acknowlege when they are being scammed. It pains us not being able to break our policy to call out this dojo by name. But as mentioned before, we don't defame businesses. You just have to use your own judgement. Martial arts have been practiced for hundreds of years of human history, but the modern age of technology has brought our world together so that the good fighters can beat the crap out of the lousy ones. This is how we know who sucks and who doesn't.

Rouseville residents woke up to a suspicious noise earlier today. According to sources, a loud, obnoxious quake resonated throughout the town, leaving locals completely stunned. Upon investigating the constant ruckus, it was discovered that there are two possible sources. Unfortunately, the sounds of both possibilities are so similar that experts are struggling to determine which one is to blame. Construction workers at the edge of town have been at work all week, trying to hopelessly create something worthwhile. The area is fenced off, making it impossible to determine what they are doing, with experts only being left with the certainty that whatever it is, it won’t make a difference. Meanwhile, the buildings in Rouseville are crumbling as usual, but this time to a degree far more destructive than the last twenty years of their miserable degradation. Experts have observed the rotting floorboards thoroughly but are still struggling to determine if the termites are really to blame for what is going on. The mayor of Rouseville has issued a statement informing locals to continue living their lives in the most normal way possible. This statement was heard by all the residents through the crevices of his bedroom wall. Once construction workers leave, officials will be able to determine officially which source the loud noise is coming from. The borough says that the construction workers will likely be finished with their project by tomorrow, once they realize the town is not worth their efforts.

Cranberry Mall is excited to announce the opening of a new store. As of this morning, a new retailer has opened up with the branding of stupid craft items nobody wants. “We wanted to bring in a major brand name like Barnes & Noble, Bonton, and Build-A-Bear,” states the mall executives. “Unfortunately, nobody shops here, making it impossible for us to justify bringing in stores too good for the county. Not to mention, everyone is too poor to shop at those stores anyway.” With major brands incapable of making such a move to the area, locals are forced to settle for stores selling homemade items they pretend to like for local morale. The new store is called Crafts and Crap. Like many Venango retailers, it sells a bunch of homemade junk along with other dusty stuff they found in their garage. Essentially, one can think of this as an independently owned Goodwill, or an indoor yard sale that never ends. This store inevitably will..... This just in: New store at Cranberry Mall closes due to financial hardship. Crafts and Crap, a business that just opened several hours ago, says that it is forced to close due to financial struggles brought on by the lack of shoppers. According to sources, the owners had just opened up this morning but instantly went bankrupt due to their Venango County budget. Crafts and Crap will now join the long list of local entrepreneurs who enthusiastically thought they could make a difference in the mall and learned the hard way.

A group of 12 out-of-shape locals gathered today to protest deportation through ICE. According to sources, the protest was so massive that the only ICE agent visiting the county was forced to deploy tear gas on nobody. The protest began at 4 PM and lasted till the weaklings’ knees gave out. ICE agents attempted to enter Franklin but immediately faced impenetrable resistance due to the barrage of guilt comments. We're actually kidding. ICE did not enter Franklin today because Washington doesn't know we exist. We'll still try to make this sound as dramatic as possible. Out of the hundreds of ICE agents flooding our streets, the thousands of protestors managed to induce a riot that could be heard from the White House.... Actually, they're so busy with big cities like Minneapolis and Los Angeles, our complaints didn't even make the bottom of the pile.... We will try to intensify this even more.... The ICE agents went away with several bodily injuries. With no medics in sight, the federal agents retreated to Pittsburgh to receive medical aid.... Actually, with no ICE agents present, the only injury we can accurately report is a splinter the old guy got while holding his sign.... We will try to dramatize this more.... With Washington now pressured by these 12 Franklin residents, the President says he finally gets the point.... That's another lie.... He is completely unmoved.... Experts say that disappointment is unlikely to set in since the history of locals accomplishing nothing never seems to faze them. However, in the wake of calling for federal reform, we can gladly say that one individual was rewarded by receiving his very own parking ticket. As for the President, we are still wondering how these people think this protest will change anything if Minneapolis isn't doing the trick....

Mayor Blunders of Oil City, and self-declared president of Venango County, has cracked down on deporting undocumented Chihuahuas this year. So far, several elderly women have banded together to hit Glacier agents with their canes and purses to protect their pooches from deportation. Unfortunately, deportation has shifted its focus to other matters. Governor Jim Waltz of Rockland Township is now facing allegations of using county funding for fake salami daycares. You heard that right. What looks to be a child’s play area may actually be a factory producing salami. In the last week, Glacier agents have moved into Rockland, laying siege to the alleged salami daycare centers. Several citizens have banded together, making matters difficult for the three agents, who struggled to fend off a crowd of five elderly women. An encounter yesterday escalated out of control when a woman riding her wheelchair was shot by a spitball and instantly died of COVID. The Glacier agent defended himself, saying that the woman was “at that age anyway” and almost ran over his foot with her training wheels. Jim Waltz responded to the incident by approaching his podium with a box-step routine to the sound of Beethoven’s 9th Symphony. “Let me make this clear. We do not need Mayor Blunders’ help. We do not need Venango County Glacier agents hitting us with ice cubes. If this continues, I will deploy the County Guard.” “Deploying the County Guard will make matters very complicated,” states Mayor Blunders. “The troops who make up the County Guard are the same men serving as Glacier agents.” Mayor Blunders is taking the warning of Waltz very seriously and is preparing for the worst-case scenario of his men having to attack themselves. In the meantime, negotiations are on the table for Waltz and Blunders to resolve this matter over 16th-century ballet.

Two out-of-state tourists stopped by a Clarion bar Tuesday night hoping to experience some leisure. According to sources, the brothers were driving from Harrisburg to Tuscarawas, Ohio, (wherever the hell that is) and came across the University Inn. Because the college town of Clarion likes to confuse their visitors, the brothers were quickly hit with the realization that all the bedrooms at the University Inn are actually apartments. Not wanting to stay for an entire month, they checked in at a nearby hotel before returning to the bar. The men arrived at the bar at roughly 9:10 p.m. and were instantly bombarded by the town’s baggage. Witnesses say that the men were visibly intimidated by the constant barrage of gossip brought on by Clarion residents. Despite attempts to look for other locations to drink, the towns folk followed them while multiplying in numbers along the way. The brothers returned to the University Inn after discovering how much the town is infested with negativity. Several attempts to order shots failed to keep them sane when dealing with the local drama. By 12 o’clock, when the bar was ready to close, an ambulance had to be called to escort the men out of town. Upon further investigation, it was discovered that the two men are donut shop owners traveling from Harrisburg. Their van was transporting a giant donut mixer. The donut mixer is still in the back of their van and is being guarded by the town’s most trustworthy scum. We cannot verify if the van is still where they left it. Donut mixer to make giant donut kingdom The two tourists were taken to the ICUP Medical Center in Seneca and are said to be in critical condition. Both individuals state that they were not prepared for the lasting baggage that they have to carry with them for the rest of their lives. One is quoted saying that he has a "newfound respect for psychiatrists and does not plan to leave his donut-making career to pursue mental health." The other one stayed completely silent while cleaving to a scone. Professors at Clarion University state that the two men are incredibly fortunate, being that they only had to deal with the elder drama. Students are not expected to return from winter break to the university for at least another week and a half. According to researchers at Clarion University, had the men experienced both the elder drama along with the college-age drama, they most certainly would have gone insane. Doctors at the ICUP Medical Center in Seneca say that the two men will recover in roughly three months’ time, but will experience a minor twitch every time someone serves them a beer.

We here at the Venango Republic believe in freedom of speech, freedom of the press, and freedom of hypocrisy. We also believe in the right to expose hypocrisy for the sake of comical relief. Why try to please everyone when you can make everyone mad? A lot of attention has been given to some random woman who got shot in the face on Wednesday. Obviously, the nation must mourn due to the politics surrounding her death. Whether she was a complete prick with Karen like tendencies, or an angel in human form, we must not question these things since she conveniently died at the hands of a controversial government agency. All that is important is that we share this grief as if one death equates to an all out holocaust. By the way.... Here's a few meaningless lives that ended recently but weren't worth talking about on major news networks. Christmas Day Mexican Standoff We don't want to talk about this one because a Mexican trying to run from a Mexican in Texas could easily spark political speculations. That is really close to crossing the line.... No, we are not talking about the border you racists! Shooting A Guy is A Strange Affair Had this been a senator, we certainly would want to talk about him. But some random guy in Pensylvania getting shot for cheating? He's a nobody because his sacrifice did not advance a political agenda. I Guess He Deserved it???? We are absolutely all for talking about childcare centers and defending their existence before audits are complete. But lets not use a kidnappers death to help speak out against abduction. Parents have enough to deal with. Losing a kid is probably a load off thier plate anyways. Old and Fearless Hmmmmm.... This happened the same day as the lady shot by ICE..... He probably only had a year left before dementia anyway. Let's not talk about him.... Accidental Death Not Horrific Enough I Guess Guns are dangerous. But lets not use an accidental shooting to emphasize this point on a political network. Lets just wait for the next psycho to shoot up a school and then go after guns. It's Time to Play Family Fued! Florida man stories we will mention. Florida woman ? Nah! So she shot her brother... What was his life worth compared to somone shot by ICE? I Just Wanted 3 Cents Off My Gas It should be obvious that mass shootings refer to much more than one person. Of course we can't make this a national headline. Plus, we can't cover a gas station because that's a minimum wage job. Had these guys chosen a mall or something and killed at least a dozen, this would absolutey be worth mentioning on CNN or MSNBC. 3 is Still Not Enough We know what you're thinking. CBS News posting this headline and it's only three people at a gas station? We looked closer and it's apparently CBS Miami. That is technically local news. However, had this made it up the chain to CBS National, we would have a lot of questions about their credibility in reporting on what lives really matter. Road Rage Turns to Gun Rage Who knows if this guy was almost run over or not. His life is not worth our time. He Just Wanted to Meet The Mayor.... With A Gun.... No! Absolutely not! This is local politics! Not Federal! Try rushing the White House next time! Oh yeah.... he's dead.... Conclusion Let's just face it. Most of our lives are not worth a thing unless we die at the hands of someone who can be tied to a political message. Oh! And as for those people who kill someone instinctively or by accident in a moment of uncertainty, we are one hundred percent ok with news networks bashing them as if they don't have wives, children, and a reputation built on more than a single mistake they might not be proud of. It is perfectly fine to pretend that people handed guns with instructions to go into a city to perform a controversial task aren't nervous for their own lives. It is completely incomprehensible to think that they fear the possibility of not coming home to their families after seeing mobs surrounding them. Ladies and genlemen, your lives only matter when they fit a political statement.

A broken sidewalk remains cracked after months of dispute between officials of the Venango County Senate. According to sources, Minority Leader Kendra Lutelute claims she is being reasonable despite refusing to vote in favor of the sidewalk repair. Hours of debate left members of the Egocentric Party enraged. With only one vote needed to finalize the sidewalk repair bill, Kendra Lutelute refused to cast her support for the decision, claiming that the job could compromise the town’s authenticity. As one of the few senators elected from the Hypocrite Party, Lutelute is said to be the most uncompromising member of the local government. Last week, the Egocentric Party managed to compromise for half a drop of sidewalk seal in exchange for doubling the County's annual spending. Lutelute was caught on video telling the senate that she refused to support the bill to fix the sidewalk. Later, she told the press that her constant efforts to pass the sidewalk bill were consistently “being shot down.” Lutelute has yet to explain in detail what those “efforts” were. As for the rest of the Senate, the Egocentric Party says they will continue working with Lutelute until they can get all 500 drops needed to seal the sidewalk. Experts state that at this rate, it should be accomplished after Mother Nature covers the town in dirt.

In a bold operation, the Venango County Military has successfully carried out their mission to capture the mayor of Slippery Rock. This came after several leads cited Slippery Rock as the source of academic trafficking. In a press briefing today, Vice Mayor Clumsy informed the public that several diplomas were being earned and trafficked into the county through a process called “higher education.” “At least 3 people have driven to Slippery Rock daily for the last 8 years,” states Vice Mayor Clumsy. “After authorities searched their residence, we managed to confiscate documents with the term ‘doctorate’ attached.” With the fear of outside knowledge changing the tradition of Venango County’s degradation, the military was ordered to bombard Slippery Rock with as many eggs as the county could afford. After breaking the bank with a carton, military personnel barged into the home of the mayor, holding he and his wife at nerf dart point. Both have been successfully transported to Oil City with Mayor Blunders stating that Venango will govern Slippery Rock. As for Mayor Smarts of Slippery Rock, he will be kept in isolation to prevent his intelligence having an influence on the locals.