The curtain dividing West Crawford and Erie has officially fallen after a giant gust of wind pushed it over. According to witnesses, the delicately pressed curtain, hung more than a week ago, was hung from a stand too unstable to support its weight. By Monday afternoon, the curtain collapsed to the ground. Residents of both counties expressed relief now that the structure is no longer separating them. "I don't go to Crawford for any reason whatsoever." states Mable Mushmouth. "There is just way too much to do in Erie. I almost forgot that county existed." Family reunited after more than a week of separation. Picture taken on Erie's side of the border. Now, West Crawford residents who are able to afford the commute are no longer prevented from crossing the border. The only concern is what will happen to the Crawfordiot Union and East Crawford's claim to the two neighbors. "We're claiming our counties back." Mayor Dogfood of Meadville told the press. "I'm not exactly sure why we gave them up in the first place. It's not like the Elk were shooting anything dangerous at us." Mayor Dogfood of Meadville Armed primarily with Nerf guns, the soldiers of the Elk Empire managed to take land from 7 counties to form their own empire while also overthrowing West Crawford and Erie to afford Mayor Dumbdumb of East Crawford the Crawfordiot Union he always wanted. Today, the curtain established by Dumbdumb to oppress the people has fallen. For some unexplained reason, this means that the Crawfordiot Union has folded. The militaries of Mercer and Venango are now departing. Those sent by Mayor Socket of Grove City have packed their golf clubs and are heading back to their shopping plaza. Whereas Laurel and Hardy of the Venango States of America are preparing to redeploy to Uganda after Mayor Blunders of Oil City learned of protests requiring suppression. Laurel and Hardy prepare redeployment to Uganda Mayor Blunders of Oil City has no idea where Uganda is or what it is about. All he knows is that a successful military operation to resolve political tension in another nation will help establish his influence as a superpower. As of right now, even his mother does not respect him.

After days of brutal warfare between Millcreek and Erie, the Mall in Kearsarge faced what many assumed to be its final fate. After an unidentified spy crossed from Erie into the Colony of Kearsarge, witnesses observed a pool noodle dropped outside the JC Penney storefront in a manner that could have caused it to detonate. It was a surprise to the surrounding observers that nothing happened. With many seeking cover, the noodle just sat in the middle of the road, failing to discharge. Authorities evacuated the scene while establishing a two mile parameter around the noodle. This might be less than one mile... Just roll with it... Many believe this attempt was fueled by the recent tensions over the Millcreek Mall's artillery system pointed toward Erie. A week of adult diaper barrages left several structures in the downtown section of Erie stained with unflushed elderly feces. The worst example of the barrage could be seen on the lakefront, where Erie's largest monument was marred with disgust. Bicentennial Tower stands strong against air strikes Monday afternoon marked 24 hours since the pool noodle was dropped outside the Mall. Authorities state that while they were not confident in the safety of approaching, they had no choice if they were to save Millcreek's giant pistol. Do we have to keep explaining the pistol joke? Two bomb squad specialists approached the explosive with foam proof shields. After thorough examination, they were able to determine that the pool noodle had no electronic devices attached. Bomb squad utilizing state of the art foam proof shielding Following bomb squad procedure, the officers covered the noodle in special material to discharge it safely. Bomb Squad contains pool noodle Because neither individual had a device to detonate the noodle, both officers were forced to do it manually by saying the word "BOOM!" Once the noodle was properly blown to bits, the bomb squad members removed the shielding and poured ashes on the road to make it look like something happened. Bomb Squad doctors atea to look like it would if explosive went off It was at this time, witnesses say they saw an angry llama running toward the two officers, spitting ruthlessly. Llama attacks Bomb Squad Officers returned spitfire and managed to hit the llama in the neck. It instantly died of Covid. Llama added to Covid count Drive by spittings are a common occurrence in Erie. Although Mayor Paranoia denies it, there is no doubt the animal is a resident of the his town. The question remains if this llama was sent by the City of Erie's Department of Military Affairs, or if it was acting on its own. DNA samples will help Millcreek authorities determine if it came from the Erie Zoo, or if it is among one of the thousands of llama's living among the residents. Mayor Wastecash of Millcreek says that the city will respond to Erie's attempt at destroying the Mall as soon as they manage to collect enough pool noodles to launch back at the neighboring city. So far, no resident has responded to the call to donate their pool noodles for the defense of their town. Experts believe this is due to the local sentiment that the right to bear pool noodles is an ideal pertaining to personal defense and not to be observed as a storage space for political leaders. Protesters gather outside Waldameer Water World Mayor Wastecash is working to amend this second amendment in Millcreek's constitution that puts the right to bear pool noodles in the hands of the people. Mayor Wastecash attempts to amend pool noodle ammendment A meeting will be held tonight at the Zem Zem Club in Millcreek, where township residents can vote to decide what pool noodles to beat him with.

Several attacks have failed to dismantle Millcreek's giant gun (Mall) over the weekend, with the most recent threat involving a tiny pool noodle. Witnesses say they observed an Erie spy crossing into Kearsarge (a cultural enclave living among greater Millcreek natives), carrying an armed pool noodle with what they described as an "obvious intent to do harm." "Those of us with Kearsarge blood were fearful that the community built by our ancestors would face its final moments when we observed that uncontained pool noodle being carried to the center of our village," states Commodore Perry, a mason who also serves as a televised attorney with a 1980s vibe. Locals take cover after pool noodle is left on road The noodle has sat there since it was first dropped Sunday afternoon. Witnesses say that the culprit carrying the noodle fled the scene after observing its failure to detonate. With Millcreek's bomb squad having no experience in disarming a pool noodle, the territory has been evacuated while authorities attempt to determine when it will be safe to remove the foam object. It is hard to determine why the noodle has not exploded after 12 hours of sitting on the road. Officers have informed locals that an investigation has been handed to Millcreek's Department of Defense, who quickly dismissed the investigation as a waste of their time. Consequently, officers have been forced to determine the reasons behind the noodle's deficiencies on their own. Only one theory has been proposed to experts, citing the fact that the noodle has no charge attached to it. This theory was quickly debunked after experts determined a charge would require explosive materials to make an explosion. Why the noodle is still sitting stagnant remains a mystery. While officers believe it will be safe to approach after tomorrow, there is still the fear of getting too close at a time when the material is ready to detonate. Meanwhile, Millcreek is deciding what they will throw back at Erie. Victoria's Secret has no more lingerie or adult Pampers to launch. Stores are filled with possible alternatives that could send a strong message to Erie. According to township officials, they just want to make sure not to launch anything that could hit someone too hard.

Crew members for the Brig Niagara find themselves shipless after a flag nerd somewhere in Erie recognized the numerical implications of flags people know nothing about. Not much detail has been released other than what political affiliations pertain to the crew and their former employer. What can be determined is that they seem to think those flags were recognizable enough to make some kind of difference. Most observers of the Facebook post were neither inspired nor put off by the flags until it was revealed they had numbers attached. Now, everyone gets to pretend they were smart enough to understand the underlying message. So.... I guess we can fight over flag implications now. "If the flags suggest that a 47 can be preceded by an 86, I don't know what else they could be telling our children," states one local who fears numbers have supernatural powers. "I had to look at the chart so I know how to recognize when they are holding three sixes in a row. I don't want my kids exposed to that!" The chart they are referring to is the International Flags and Pennants..... Yeah.... We haven't heard of it either.... Oh! That chart! Gee, if you would have mentioned Foxtrot, Kilo, and Lima, we would have known exactly what you were referring to..... "I would have been put off by it if I only saw the numbers," states Mr. Myopinions Shifteasily. "Their choice of using flags representative of the numbers instead instantly showed me the light. I saw each specific flag and was like, 'Wow! That's what they've been trying to get me to understand.'" Now that the cat is out of the bag, locals are forced to be hyper-aware of what flags could be implying based on their uncommon use. Businesses have already begun removing paper towels from their bathrooms for fear of people getting the impression that their hands are dirty. Another local man has gone so far as to remove the "oversized load" flag from the back of his semi in case people get the impression that he is fat-shaming trailers during transport. "This incident has really shown me what to keep away from my kids," states Motherof Childrenwhowillrebel. "I discovered my kids have been keeping a magazine with 3 identical flags that depict an 'X' on the cover. I was sure to throw it away once I realized those flags were nude." While the message relayed to viewers is disputed between inspiration and offense, we here at the Venango Republic would like to acknowledge the girl on the far right of the picture, holding flag number 7. For all you simpletons, that's the red and yellow one. Learn your flags idiots! It's hard to tell since her face without our blur still has a blur. Nonetheless, we strongly believe her to be the one who suggested we do an article about a waterslide attached to the Bicentennial Tower. Fortunately, we were able to capture an image of that person the day she made that suggestion. A side by side collage can be seen below, showing their similarities. Faces blurred to respect privacy The ships for each photo are not the same, meaning we could be wrong. However, if that is in fact the woman we assume, we want to say thank you not only for inspiring that first article, which drew more than a thousand people to our website, but for once again playing a role in helping us write something about Erie. We're just sorry to hear you've turned to a life of provocative flag images that supposedly gaslight observers unaware. While the matter could have been resolved by simply taking the picture down and pretending flags don't have numerical significance, everyone now understands that the four crew members holding those offensive depictions of flagnagraphy are preverse in their choice of pennants (big word for flag). The Venango Republic is ashamed that we showed those flags. We will correct our mistake immediately. Good! Now everyone is a flag virgin.

A study at Venango Campus discovered a correlation between washing one's hands and good hygiene. According to researchers at Venango Campus, when placing one's hands underneath the faucet at a sink, nothing happens when the water is turned off. However, when turning the handle to a faucet with functional capabilities, water pouring from the spigot removes dirt and grime from a person's body. After hours of surveying different methods, scientists at Venango Campus had the brilliant idea to apply an external substance to their hands while experimenting with the water pouring from the faucet. Elements ranged from gasoline to uranium. At the end of the test, it was discovered that the most effective product was one they bought from the store called soap. Unlike the uranium, soap did not cause the scientist's hands to burn, and easily washed several forms of dirtiness from the scientist's hands. Professors state that it is the cleanest that they have felt in years. Another form of uncleanliness the professors were able to address was with their hair follicles. For several generations, residents of Venango County and the surrounding regions have been trying to figure out how to make their heads smell pleasantly. Ad After shopping for weeks at the local Family Dollar, professors at Venango Campus were able to discover a product called shampoo. Not only does this substance seem to clean one's hair, but it also adds a fragrance that covers up any unwanted uncleanliness that may be left behind. Scientists do note that one should be careful what product they buy in order to prevent a white element from appearing in one's hair. This element they refer to as dandruff. Researchers at Venango Campus consider these recent discoveries a breakthrough in modern technology. While more tests must be done to determine how to deal with the odor of armpit, hair, and oral tooth decay, researchers say that they are confident they will find the elements necessary to create a solution to those problems. Right now, the research is being forwarded to Clarion University and to colleges throughout the western Pennsylvania region, including the University of Pittsburgh, where scientists believe they will be able to use the data to help locals in a town full of yinzers and jagoffs.

The Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization is closer to restoration now that Jefferson County has eradicated Elk forces from their land. This came after months of conflict resulted in Elk County expanding their borders through the regions of Jefferson, Clarion, and Venango to form the beginning of the Elk Empire. Satalite images showing progression of Elk Empire expansion since April The civilians technically were not oppressed, given the Elk soldiers were only armed with Nerf guns. Nonetheless, for dramatic purposes, Jefferson forces retreated with Clarion to Oil City in April of 2026. The sacrifice of the three counties resulted in the beginning stages of the Elk Empire and continued with expansion into the southern regions of Western Pennsylvania. As of today, retaliation efforts have proved successful. Jefferson County, which has spent weeks using groundhog warfare to catch Elk soldiers by surprise, has successfully taken back Jefferson County, cutting off the head of the Elk Empire. Groundhog warfare after effects Jefferson forces utilized a new form of combat never before seen. This involved creating collapsible tunnels beneath major cities with the intent to bury everything in dirt. Elk forces were completely unprepared and are now forced to surrender Jefferson back to its original owners. Unfortunately, the Groundhog Day Accords are still in the possession of Mayor Bighorn in Elk County, who moved them after overthrowing Punxsutawney back in April. This means that Elk County still can impose winter conditions on anyone if they so please. Negotiations are now in play for the nations of Elk and Jefferson. The re-establishment of Jefferson County means that the counties of Indiana, Blair, Clearfield, and Westmoreland will also be restored. Each of these counties was overthrown to help expand the Elk Empire's branding. Now, their soldiers are trapped in the southern counties, which Jefferson will use as leverage to get the Groundhog Day Accords back from the Elk Empire. Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney meets with Mayor Bighorn of Elk County to negotiate treaty Meanwhile, in the West, East Crawford still has control of the neighboring nations of Erie and West Crawford. Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville has established an ironed curtain hanging across the southern border of Erie to divide the nations indisputably. Families on West Crawford side grieve separation from Erie relatives Negotiations are now in play to have the curtain removed. Unfortunately, Mayor Dumbdumb is unmoved since the counties have nothing of value to offer. Technically, Dumbdumb's only leverage in claiming the lands as his own is his claims that they are his own. Nonetheless, soldiers representing the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization are forced to fight the matter out militarily. Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County Military engaging battle of wits. Accompanied by Mercer and West Crawford troops. The fight to restore Western Pennsylvania is still in the works. Elk County has fallen, the Crawfordiot Union remains, but PLATO presses on. Meanwhile, the nations representing the Zugnar Alliance are still adamant about overthrowing the nations representing the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization. Zugnar Alliance in red (bad guys). Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization in blue (good guys). There is yet to be a resolution to the conflict between the two opposing treaties. The war between the counties continues, with each nation playing a vital role in restoring or dismantling the world of Western Pennsylvania.

A major blunder on the part of Erie intelligence has resulted in the Millcreek Mall still functioning with firing capabilities. This came after saboteurs accidentally mistook a nearby restaurant as their primary target, unloading mass amounts of sponge candy on a location nobody visited enough. The building has been deemed uninhabitable at this time. Not because of the sponge candy, but because they are permanently closed. Erie intelligence has not commented on whether they are aware of the mistake. Despite several calls, Mayor Paranoia of Erie seems to still be hiding under his covers. The conflict, which began more than a week ago, still has no clear rhyme or reason to justify the exchange of fire between the cities. Last week, a diaper barrage nearly leveled an entire building that was leaning slightly too far to the right. The first diaper to hit the building caused it to stand straight before a second incoming diaper caused it to lean too far to its left. There were 50 reported cases of seasickness. Intercounty powers are weighing in on the matter, but are struggling to have any political influence to force a treaty between the neighboring towns. Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh has threatened to stop trading steel to Erie if the conflict is not resolved in a day. Because Erie has not traded for steel for several decades, the threat meant nothing. Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh makes a point President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America is making an even greater proposition that would involve crossing intercounty lines. In a press briefing today outside Venango's capital building, Blunders said that he will drop more than a thousand boots on the ground to force the townships to settle their differences. This threat meant nothing as well. When asked about the boots, Blunders struggled to answer where he will get them considering Oil City cannot even afford a pair of socks. Blunders also folded when asked about dropping boots near Lake Erie. Even if Venango County could find a way to purchase five pairs, Venango's self-declared president cannot explain how dropping footwear on the ground would make a difference in this war. Blunders simply covered his ears and shouted, "lalalalalalalalalalalala," as he walked away from the press. Mayor Blunders going "lalalalalalalalalalalala" Millcreek's President, Mayor Wastecash, says he has no worries about outside powers sticking their noses into the conflict. With Millcreek possessing the biggest gun in the Fictional Universe, Wastecash believes nobody will be bold enough to stand in his way. So far, 231 diapers have struck Erie. Five reported fictional deaths caused by unrelated circumstances have been noted to increase the tension of the storyline. Soldiers have not been deployed by either side because they don't have any. We will keep you informed as events unfold.

Mayor Bighorn is losing ground and the support of his troops as Clarion County has now regained its independence from the Elk Empire. According to sources from the Clarion Psych, Elk troops were forced to abandon Clarion territory after losing six cities to collapsed tunnels. Each industrial city was a hub to an average of three people. Now, they are no more. The Jefferson County military has been hard at work utilizing their tunnel hogs to dig unstable tunnels beneath the cities occupied by Elk forces. Although it comes at the cost of Clarion having no homes to return to, the residents of the region can rest assured it is a completely idiotic war, given that the Elk aren't really doing anything other than claiming the land as their own. Now that Clarion has re-established the borders that were previously erased by the Elk Empire, Jefferson is setting its focus on the home of Jefferson County. If successful in taking back their own county, re-establishing the border between Jefferson and Indiana, Pennsylvania will scientifically cut off the neck of the Elk embarrassment, causing all the territories to return to their natural appearance. Elk County fought hard under Mayor Bighorn to expand their territories. Now, it seems they are without a nose to guide them in these dark times. Where is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Elk when you need him? The loss of Venango County was a minor setback to Mayor Bighorn, given that Elk lose their horns all the time. Clarion was the nose of the Empire. Its loss leaves them with nothing to smell out enemy advancements. They must now depend fully on Elk intelligence to survive. This will be a challenge since their dumbness increases every time they run into the side of a moving vehicle.

Diaper air defense systems held back more than 80% of the incoming projectiles launched Friday afternoon. By order of the Millcreek Mayor, General Victoria fired the Millcreek Mall artillery system, discharging a merciless continuum of adult Depends she has collected over the last three decades. Anti-diaper defense systems Erie officials expected to be hit with female underwear featuring provocative designs from Victoria's Secret. Instead, they learned that Victoria now wears adult diapers due to her aging body. Defense systems took several minutes to shift from underwear to diapers. In that time, more than 20 buildings were struck by a barrage that nearly leveled the city's dignity. Millcreek Mall gun before and after assembly Among the structures hit is the Bicentennial Tower overlooking Presque Isle Bay. Originally designed as a tourist outlook, the tower has served the Erie Department of Defense in observing patterns of their neighboring rival, Millcreek. "The tower was obviously hit because of its strategic advantage," states the Erie Department of Defense Director, Perry Pumpkin. "They claim to be a town devoted to Millcreek, yet they get Presque Isle. It's just not fair!" The tower has not been deemed a complete loss. However, work must be done before it is considered structurally sound. Tower clean up It is now structurally sound. Other buildings in the downtown region were left in shambles. One such location is the old Continental Rubber Works Factory. It was struck four times. Fortunately, its rubber works defense system redirected the incoming diapers to a nearby dumpster. That dumpster was also owned by Rubber Works. The diapers bounced off the dumpster and landed in the street, which was not owned by the Rubber Works Factory. Tourists Quin-T Corps Industrial Paper Factory likely took the hardest hit out of all locations. Western Pennsylvania neglect We're kidding. It already looked like that. Other more populated areas may also be impacted permanently. The hotspots on State Street are completely covered in poop. Experts say that the territory may not be approachable for decades. Viewer discretion is advised In response to the crisis, several nations have pledged support to the city of Erie. President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America dipped into Venango County savings and is sending a whole three pennies. Mayor Blunders stands outside City Hall, which is the City Outhouse Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh, capital of Allegheny County, is sending a box of nuts and bolts made of quality steel. We're sure Erie will find a use for them. Mayor Steelhead thinks Erie is on the east side of the state Mayor Dambuilder of Beaver County announced that he will be sending more than a billion logs to help any beavers who lost their homes in the crisis. Mayor Dambuilder bites off what he can chew Finally, Mayor Servanthood of Butler County says that he will be sending his country's finest linens. Unrealistic depiction of Butler. We all know the real citizens are on drugs. Mayor Paranoia of Erie has still not come out from beneath his mattress covers. The city of Erie is left to decide what countermeasures they want to make in this battle for survival. Diapers are not common in the city of Erie, meaning that the Department of Defense may have to resort to other projectiles more familiar to the region.

The armies of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, otherwise known as PLATO, are in a stalemate that has lasted for several weeks. Three militaries sent by Mercer, West Crawford, and Venango County have engaged the Zugnar Alliance in the Battle of Meadville only to find that the might of East Crawford, Warren, and Elk County is an equal match for the allies. Meadville was overthrown several months ago, handing the entirety of West Crawford over to Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville. Shortly thereafter, the Nation of Erie also fell, forming what is now known as the Crawfordiot Union. Since the fall of these minor superpowers, Mayor Dumbdumb has imposed his will on the people of the new dictatorship. A finely pressed curtain had been hung across the border of Erie and West Crawford to divide the people between the Ironed Curtain. Families on both sides have been warned not to cross over to avoid wrinkling the linen. Violators are subject to be shot with spitball fire on sight. So far, three people have been hit by spitballs while attempting to cross. Each instantly died of COVID. In the midst of the conflict, the Battle of Meadville is still raging in the most boring fashion imaginable. Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County military are on their two hundred and seventy-fifth game of chess, all of which have ended in a stalemate. The militaries have all agreed that the losers will withdraw. Mayor Dumbdumb, president of East Crawford and the newly formed Crawfordiot Union, says he does not want to wait any longer. Now, he is demanding the withdrawal of all PLATO militaries, lest another invasion take place on Venango soil. Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America says that he is ready for any invasion. He is lying. Venango's three military men are spread between West Crawford and Clarion. The only option available is an elderly soldier stationed in Pleasantville who keeps giving up the city when he falls asleep. Dumbdumb knows the vulnerable state Venango is in thanks to their decision to send their soldiers away. Consequently, he is preparing an army of two men to invade Venango by way of Route 8. This is the same passage East Crawford used the last four times they attacked. The conflict continues to escalate, and it seems that County War One has a long way to go. Although the author is getting sick of this storyline, he will do his best to finish it without rushing too quickly. UGH!!!!

Erie may be in a state of emergency in the next 24 hours if demands are not met to appease Mayor Wastecash of Millcreek. Moments ago, Wastecash demanded an apology from Erie for asserting that the Millcreek Mall is "a giant gun erected to assert dominance over the residents of Erie." If an apology is not given, Wastecash says he will fire the Mall's artillery at the neighboring city to demonstrate why his status deserves such respect. Millcreek Arsenal Center located next to Men's Warehouse Mayor Paranoia of Erie has not come out from beneath his covers. Sources say that despite several attempts to coax him, the mattress is too heavily fortified with high-quality fabric capable of deterring fictional ghosts. At least we know he'll be safe during the attack. Now, the people of Erie have no direction on what to do. Should the weapon fire upon the city, officials state they have no idea which defense system they should use to knock the projectiles out of the air. "We have anti-diaper defense systems built after observing Warren County's attempt to cover Venango County in baby feces," states the Director of the Erie Department of Defense. "We also have an anti-condom defense system after observing Indiana County attack Westmoreland." George Washington, Venango Republic Stonemason, interviews Erie's Department of Defense Director The Venango Republic stopped the interview right there in order to meet family friendly guidelines. Despite vast options for air defense weaponry, Erie has no familiarity with the projectiles designed for the Millcreek Mall artillery system. The only clue obtained by Erie intelligence is the name of one Victoria who is in charge of a store called Victoria's Secret. Informants have suggested that she is in charge of the trigger that fires the gun, which discharges from mental prompts sending signals through a gutter she wears on her head. Founded in 1977, the 49 year old business suggests Victoria is at least 70. "She essentially has to keep her mind in the gutter," Erie's Department of Defense Director told us. "We just don't know what coded messages she sends to the computerized system to launch the projectiles. It's likely similar to what they use at Indiana University." We stopped the interview a second time to maintainthe dignityof a family friendly medium. Google Indiana Pennsylvania if you are confused. There is only one potential clue as to what Victoria is keeping secret behind the walls of Millcreek's Mall. Military intelligence says they were able to find a fragment of Victoria's clothes at a local Goodwill, which hints to what she may be planning to fire on the city. Once again, we forgot why we kept ending the interviews with the Director of Erie's Department of Defense. While engaging him for a third time, he showed us the fragment. Unfortunately, we cannot disclose what we observed for the sake of keeping our platform appropriate for people of all ages. What we can do is show our viewers a picture of what was observed during our meeting with the director. The image has been blurred for your safety. Viewer discretion is advised. Potential secret Victoria has been keeping, finally revealed! If this is in fact what Millcreek intends on launching toward the wholesomely pure city of Erie, military leaders have no choice but to buckle down. The fragment shown to us was so polluted, it had to be handled with six pairs of rubber gloves on hands later bathed in lava. If just one of those gets through the Erie air defense system, it could mean moral impurity for the religious capital of the world. Erie will no longer be able to call itself the "City of Incorruptible Virgins." There will be none left. The city currently known for having no experience in such distasteful practice will forever lose that innocence. We would never show the real thing even with a blur Military leaders are warning residents to be prepared to seek shelter in the case of incoming s**y l**gerie. We are sorry for not censoring those terms more. But people need to get a sense of what may be coming their way. Be prepared to seek shelter and cover your eyes!

Founder and CEO of the Venango Republic, Blobbert Blobfish, sat down with the host of 33 1/3 Minutes for an exclusive televised interview about his role in fictional news. To say that the success of the Venango Republic is unimaginable would be an overstatement considering Blobbert's history of fudging viewership. Nonetheless, when applying the philosophy of counting non-followers as if they are followers, the Venango Republic has exceeded all expectations. "The real world has a population of about 8 billion people," Blobbert told Frank Drebin of 33 1/3 Minutes. "Almost one hundred percent have not heard of us, meaning we have 8 billion followers if we use reverse psychology." Now, the Venango Republic ranks number one in all fictional news with the largest following of non-followers to date. Blobbert considers this the greatest fudged achievement of his career. Future plans for the Venango Republic are to keep expanding to other western Pennsylvania territories. Although Blobbert is jokingly pleased with the fudged following, he hopes to obtain more followers in the northern and southern regions of the state. "We are gaining traction in Erie thanks to Millcreek residents who hate coyotes," Blobbert expressed. "Pittsburgh has become a difficult audience to reel in since their sports pride has been dwindling for the last ten years." Blobbert says he will continue trying to build a following in the southern regions to keep residents of the real western PA informed on what is happening in the fake one. If successful, he hopes to disregard the non-followers as followers since fudging numbers breaks trust.