A Sherwin Williams plant in Beaver County is facing massive fines after failing to take measures to prevent stinking up the county. According to information provided by the first radio station to ever exist, Rochester has fallen victim to smells so bad, sealing up the houses accomplishes nothing. A notice was delivered to the plant leadership from the Pennsylvania DEP. Our journalists investigated the meaning behind "DEP" and determined it has nothing to do with the actor who played Captain Jack Sparrow. According to other sources, DEP stands for Department of Environmental Protection. This would be the department of people who work to protect the environment. Residents complained that the air smelled like "pure chemicals" or "nail polish remover." Sherwin Williams is now facing a fine of more than 124 thousand with an additional thousand dollars for each day they fail to resolve the issue. Apparently, people from Rochester don't like pure chemicals or the smell of nail polish remover. Investigations from journalists associated with other news outlets found that the plant failed to install a "thermal oxidizer" designed to destroy volatile organic compounds. We were so grateful to other news outlets reporting this information. It saved us a trip to Beaver County. Now, it seems these volatile organic compounds are loose in Beaver County, doing whatever it is that nail polish remover does to people. Sherwin Williams now has two choices: pay the fine, or convince their county to secede from Pennsylvania to become a part of Utah. Think about it.... Utah is mostly desert. There, the smell would be in check. Sherwin Williams has 30 days before the fine is due. Should they successfully convince Beaver to join Utah before the deadline, it will then be a question of how to drag everything in Beaver County to Utah. Of course, an easier solution might be to manufacture enough paint to give the county a desert-like vibe. That would then make them the first county to be separated from their own state. There is much more to uncover in this story. We will keep you informed as you sit on the edge of your seat for the next 30 days. Try not to fall off your couch.

Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County Military have officially arrived in Millcreek with orders to take out the giant Mall Gun pointed at Erie's capital of Erie. The two soldiers are armed with state-of-the-art muffin hand grenades along with the most expensive spitball launchers Venango County can afford. President Mayor Blunders of Oil City has ordered the destruction of the Mall Gun with the hope of strengthening intercountial relations. It has been over an hour, and the muffins are proving to be useless against the cinderblocks protecting the Mall. Currently, there are no casualties to report, but the two are in danger the longer they stay. A nearby sign instructing bystanders not to loiter may ruin this entire operation if they can't destroy the Mall before an officer arrives. What you are seeing is happening as we speak... This just in: an off-duty Mall cop has arrived at the scene, forcing Laurel and Hardy to retreat back to Peach Street. We will return to the battle on the second wave. We are learning now that President Mayor Blunders is moments away from announcing his next steps before the press. We now take you live to the capital of Venango County in Oil City. "Good evening. Today marks our official invasion of Millcreek, where, in an attempt to strengthen relations with the neighboring nation, our troops have put forth their best efforts in destroying the shopping complex in Kearsarge, known as the Millcreek Mall. I regret to inform you all that the Mall proves indestructible at this time, with the first wave resulting in a complete failure. Our military experts have studied our strategies closely, linking this necessary retreat to a nearby 'No Loitering' sign. In response, I have ordered our men to focus fire on that sign during the next wave." You have just heard President Mayor Blunders of Oil City announce from Venango's capital his plan of action. We will keep you up to date when attacks begin on the "No Loitering" sign. This report was made possible by Lead Utensils. They will never rust in your lifetime.

Does carrying heavy objects require more strength? A study from Fairview University in Butler County suggests that the more weight that's applied to an object, the more muscle one must have to lift it effectively. All 24 subjects, who make up the town's population, were placed in a room for professors to observe. Each subject was handed items of various weight quantities. Professors noted that the two most differentiating objects were the anvil and the toothbrush, which seemed to require different levels of strength to elevate above the ground. The four-year-old boy, who was requested to pick up the anvil, found it impossible to complete the task. Meanwhile, the 41-year-old bodybuilder assigned to the toothbrush seemed to have no problem lifting his assigned object. Professors thought to switch both candidates, but chose not to rush for fear of causing one to take on more than their body was capable of performing. Instead, each participant would slowly rearrange, with those who struggled with heavier items slowly denoted to the lighter ones. An 89-year-old grandmother, who was initially assigned to lift an entire tractor wheel, was eventually denoted to an ashtray. Unfortunately, on the way down to her denotion, she broke her hip and died. Out of the 23 remaining participants, scientists were able to determine that size, strength, and the weight of an object all played a role in determining the success of lifting something off the ground. More research must be conducted to determine how much weight is required to completely crush a human being. Nonetheless, scientists say that this discovery is a breakthrough for modern science in Fairview, Pennsylvania.

Venango County's two most notable military members are deploying once again to a neighboring nation. This came just minutes after their return from Uganda where they were sent to suppress the Ebola Uprising. Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County Military have served the Nation of the Venango States of America ever since its secession in early 2025. Their most recent deployment to Uganda was short lived when it was discovered that the Ebola Uprising referred to a virus and not a group of rebels attempting to overthrow the government. Laurel and Hardy's arrival on July 16th Today, Laurel and Hardy came back from Uganda and were seen at the corner of Seneca and Center Street deciding which car was safe to step in front of. It wasn't long after that they received word of a redeployment to Millcreek, where President Mayor Blunders hopes to strengthen relations with Mayor Paranoia of Erie, capital of Erie County. Paranoia has still not come out from under his mattress ever since threats were made by Mayor Wastecash to fire Millcreek's giant Mall Gun on Erie. Millcreek's giant weapon has already fired several adult diapers from Victoria's Secret. Fortunately, no Erie resident has died other than a llama. Millcreek's giant Mall Gun Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County military are expected to arrive in Millcreek Monday afternoon. They are armed with the highest quality spitball launchers Venango can afford. Additionally, each of them have been equipped with a bag of the same muffin hand grenades that almost killed Hardy earlier this year after Laurel accidentally threw it at his face. Mayor Blunders of Oil City has not revealed how these two men will be of any service to Erie. What can be determined is that they won't be. Nonetheless, they are going anyway because they think it will accomplish something.

The recent conflict between Allegheny County and the nations of Washington and Lawrence County are now rising dramatically. Sir Lawrence of New Castle, capital of Lawrence County, is calling on Mayor Dambuilder of Aliquippa, capital of Beaver County, to send troops to help drive the Allegheny forces away from his lands. As Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh continues his campaign to take West Pittsburg (a tiny town south of New Castle) from Lawrence County, knights serving the king of New Castle are arming themselves with fireworks just before their valiant march to the industrial city of Wampum, where Allegheny troops are lying in wait. Knights of Newcastle Wampum south of Newcastle Meanwhile, Sir Lawrence of New Castle insists that Dambuilder must break his treaty with Allegheny County. Although Beaver County has been promised steel beams to help reinforce their dams in the Ohio River, Sir Lawrence says that Allegheny's recent invasion proves they cannot be trusted. Mayor Dambuilder has not commented on Sir Lawrence and his request to join in the fight against Allegheny. When asked about his position, Dambuilder ignored the question and returned to City Hall. Dambuilder walks away from the press The action surprised nobody as Dambuilder's first concern is for the Beaver County residents living in the Ohio River. Despite signing a deal that would ensure more dams in the river, beavers are still homeless and requiring more assistance on Beaver County welfare. Sending troops at this time could be disastrous for the Beaver economy. Not only would they lose the steel provided by Pittsburgh manufacturers, but they would also ruin relationships they have kept strong for several decades. This would make it impossible for them to trade logs and twigs with neighboring counties as they have done for years. Lawrence County is on their own at this time. While a potential agreement could be made for Butler to send supplies, even Mayor Servanthood says that he will not engage Mayor Steelhead's troops as he is "not interested in risking Butler lives."

The world was rocked last winter when East Crawford introduced a weapon never before seen in the fictional universe. A round substance made out of the white, fluffy stuff that falls from the sky was perfectly shaped into what Titusville's scientific geniuses called a snowball. Despite several attempts, professors at Venango University could not replicate the creation of this massive superweapon, as the ball continuously changed into liquid when placed over a hot burner. Before long, Venango County and the rest of Western Pennsylvania found themselves at the mercy of this destructive weaponry, as the Cold War between the major superpowers of Northwestern Pennsylvania escalated into County War One. Not long after this, an alliance was formed between East Crawford, Warren, and Elk County, known as the Zugnar Alliance. By combining their military strengths, each government slowly overthrew several independent nations to form the Elk Empire. The Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization stood no chance after the Elk military laid siege to Punxsutawney, obtaining the rights to the Groundhog Day Accords. Western Pennsylvania in its normal state on the left. Elk Empire rule on the right. Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization (PLATO) in blue. Zugnar Alliance in red. With the ability to extend winter past its six-week deadline, Elk County enabled East Crawford to produce snowfalls for the entire duration of County War One. Fortunately, Mayor Dumbdumb is an idiot and forgot to continue his production of the snowball when summer rolled around. This means that the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization could successfully take back their territories by using stealthful tactics that the Zugnar Alliance was unprepared for. Jefferson County's Tunnel Hogs, who specialize in burrowing beneath the ground, collapsed every city in Jefferson County and South Clarion, driving the Elk military back into their nation of Elk County, leaving Mayor Bighorn with no empire to rule. Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney praises Jefersons Military for taking back their land With summer more than halfway to its completion, the question remains if Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville will attempt to reintroduce the snowball as a weapon utilized to overthrow Western Pennsylvania. Not only is the nation of East Crawford ahead of everyone in the space race after launching a rocket ten feet in the air, but now they have the potential to overthrow entire counties if a similar substance cannot be created comparable to the snowball. The counties that should be most concerned over the matter are West Crawford and Erie, both of which Dumbdumb has desired to unify as the Crawfordian Union. Should Dumbdumb use the snowball on anyone, it will likely be those counties in particular. Elk County soldiers chase Venango Military out of West Crawford Mayor Dogfood of Meadville has already taken the initiative to reinforce the border of West Crawford by stacking extra bags of Meow Mix to a height of six feet. Erie, however, is facing their own intercountial conflict, with townships in their region on the verge of civil war. The giant Mall Gun in Kearsarge, Pennsylvania, is raising tensions between the neighboring cities of Millcreek and Erie. Mayor Wastecash of Millcreek, Pennsylvania, says that he refuses to disassemble or turn the Mall Gun away, as it is the only way to ensure Erie remains subject to his will. Millcreek's giant Mall Gun Erie has attempted to sabotage the Mall Gun several times this year, with their most recent failure involving an agent dropping a pool noodle outside of JCPenney's storefront. Fortunately for the Millcreek residents, the pool noodle did not explode. However, the attempt did nothing to help the townships resolve their differences. Millcreek residents take cover leaving only thier bodies exposed to pool noodle Should Mayor Dumbdumb attack Millcreek and Erie during their escalated tensions? Experts say the invasion could devastate the nation, which is already struggling to remain unified. This would be an opportune time for Mayor Dumbdumb to send his military into the northern neighboring county to overthrow their conflicting governments. Western Pennsylvania may not have many ways to prepare for the oncoming conflict, given that the former treaty almost crumbled to the Zugnar Alliance. Erie's place in the conflict seems insignificant at this time. However, should Mayor Dumbdumb discover the Mall Gun, it could mean massive snowballs landing everywhere in Western Pennsylvania. Hence, why it is crucial for Millcreek and Erie to resolve their differences as soon as they can.

The militaries of Allegheny County and Washington County found themselves at an immediate stalemate in the first battle of the Southwestern Pennsylvania War. Deficiencies in their weapons varied between both groups, as each side found it impossible to fire upon the approaching enemy. Washington County's 1776 muskets with iron projectiles were incapable of penetrating the steel skeletal structure of soldiers serving the Allegheny military. Additionally, the bayonet charge also proved impossible, as the edged weapons at the ends of their muskets bent when thrust into enemy soldiers. Allegheny also had struggled combating the enemies of Washington County, despite their advanced military weaponry. When attempting to fire long range, they instantly realized that the steel beams they were armed with do not have barrels to shoot projectiles from. Although they are heavy enough to knock enemy soldiers unconscious, members of the Allegheny military chose not to do so in close combat for fear of injuring the enemy soldiers. The dilemma has resulted in one of the most unusual outcomes of war to date. Mayor George Washington of Washington Township, capital of Washington County, states that he has not given up on his mission to reclaim Mount Washington from Pittsburgh. Unfortunately, after breaking his treaty with Pittsburgh, Mayor Steelhead, president of Allegheny County, is refusing to trade any more steel to the neighboring county. This means that Washington troops are forced to fight steel with iron, which is a much weaker substance. Mount Washington in Pittsburgh Greater concerns exist for the troops deployed in Lawrence County, who for the last several weeks have worked to overtake townships just south of West Pittsburg, in Mayor Steelhead's campaign to take back West Pittsburg from Lawrence County. Nope. We did not misspell it. Sir Lawrence of New Castle is preparing an army of knights armed with fireworks to progress to the southern regions of his lands, in the hope of driving out the Allegheny military. Sir Lawrence still insists that West Pittsburg, a township slightly south of New Castle, is not the same as the West Side that went missing from Allegheny's Pittsburgh in 1902. Despite his claims, Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh is determined to steal West Pittsburg and claim it as Allegheny's land. Should the knights of New Castle, capital of Lawrence County, engage the armies of Allegheny, there are concerns that the fireworks launched toward Sir Lawrence's enemies will have no effect, given the resiliency of steel bodies. In addition, the militaries of Allegheny deployed in Lawrence County are using the same weaponry that failed in the Battle of Baldwin Borough. Should these soldiers have the same compassion as those in Baldwin Borough, the knights of Lawrence County will likely go unharmed while engaging the battle in iron-crafted armor. The war has just begun with the Battle of Baldwin Borough ending in a draw. Nobody is withdrawing, suggesting this war will be determined by who gets bored first. We sincerely hope they don't take weeks.

The City of Pittsburgh is being investigated for allegations of misleading tourists with the phrase "Steel City." This came after a woman fell 20 feet through a collapsed stairway, requiring assistance to save her. The incident took place Sunday, August 2nd, on the 2500 block of Mission Street. A woman was walking on a set of stairs that experts state were actually made of rotting wood. The woman is said to have fallen through to a depth of about 20 feet, requiring her to receive medical attention. Pittsburgh was immediately scrutinized for its claim of being the Steel City. Outside observers, as well as several locals, state that they feel the city has been living a lie. Others also noted that the rotting wood might explain why their football team has been average over the last nine years. "We aren't entirely made of steel after all," states Northern City Redneck of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. "The industry technically left years ago, but I thought the impression was still left behind." With the city now consisting of sections made of rotting wood, many are calling for the impeachment of Mayor Steelhead, citing that Pittsburgh should instead be nicknamed the City of Rednecks. In a press briefing today, Mayor Steelhead did not back down when calling out the yinzers attempting to redefine the identity of the historical city. He promises that he will send out special forces to remove all non-steel structures and replace them with the metal that makes their city what it used to be. As for the woman who fell through the stairs, her injury offers more evidence that the city, claiming to be made completely out of steel, is a living lie. It seems that even the residents themselves are not made out of steel, given that they break under pressure. Doctors are working to try to figure out what happened to the genetics that once made the people of Pittsburgh steel-blooded. As of now, the mystery remains if genetic mutations can be performed to create the same bodily functions in the locals.

Everyone knows how vital State Street is during rush hour for the highly successful businessmen that make Oil City a thriving metropolis. Unfortunately, the crumbling Catholic church, known as the only building to feature trees growing out of its roof, now poses a danger to the vehicles below. Hence, why authorities have shut down State Street, creating a major inconvenience. Trees featured on Crumbling Catholic Church The situation is so severe that the left-turning lane on Front Street and the straight lane on Veterans Memorial Bridge have been blocked off with impenetrable barriers. Barrier's immune to cars This leaves drivers no choice but to move westward down Front Street, into the unknown mysteries that lie beyond them. With the use of satellite imagery and modern cellular photographic technology, our expert journalists have been able to map out a route to help travelers detour with the quickest possible route, providing safe passage to Giant Eagle and the Seneca beyond. As jarring as it may be to consider traveling through the highly populated south side of Oil City, travelers will find the most success moving westward down Front Street. We understand that the name of this passage instills fear in the hearts of our readers, given that the word "front" often applies to a sketchy location. For instance, if police intend on using a location as a front, they will refer to it as a "front." We here at the Venango Republic would like to assure our readers that the drive down Front Street is only a temporary approach, so long as you turn before reaching the front of town. As soon as you come to Central Avenue, do not fear, for you have reached the turning point that will lead you to the back of town. Just slow down your car when you see the signage that suggests an avenue that is central to the south side of Oil City. Do not allow your car to surpass this roadway, as reaching the back of town will require you to turn your steering wheel leftward, as you progress your gas pedal in a forward position. Turn where that white car is going. That's Central Avenue even though it's technically off center. Now that you have successfully navigated your vehicle onto Central Avenue, you will notice to your right the Library of Inexplainable Existence. Do not fear, but continue, knowing that the boredom will end as soon as you reach 1st Street. Continue and fear no darkness At this point, the success of reaching your desired goal will require a left turn ahead of you. For the best results, please ensure that your left blinking light is functioning prior to making this journey. Once you have reached 1st Street, put your turn signal in the downward position. Your turn signal should be a lever on the left side behind your steering wheel. Your left side should be what most consider their non-dominant hand. Your non-dominant hand is the hand that most people are less likely to use for everyday tasks like drinking coffee and other non-perverted tasks. After completing the prior step, turn your wheel to the left once again, while leaning your foot on the gas pedal in a forward motion. Your car should drift forward as you turn onto 1st Street. First street according to sources Now, you are home free. At any moment, the crumbling Catholic church should appear on your left side, displaying the section opposite of what you first observed before driving around the block. What should be visible if you followed these steps correctly To help simplify the process, we have broken down these steps into a much simpler navigation tool known as a map. Below is an image depicting the route by which you can successfully detour around the road that has been closed in the metropolis of Oil City. Your car can technically veer that dramatically on the third left turn. However, it's not recommended. We hope that these instructions help guide you on your journey, as you seek to find success in reaching your desired goal on the southeastern side of Oil City. We bid thee well, and Godspeed. This just in, Venango Republic accused of promoting reckless driving with the use of the phrase, "Godspeed." Details at 11.

A Northhampton woman is facing charges of theft after putting faith in the unlikely scenario of all Walmart security cameras not working. According to information provided by the Clarion Psych, Mrs. Three's Acharm of Northhampton loaded an entire cart of unspecified items before taking off in a vehicle she imagined into existence. "I assumed that if you pretend police don't exist, that somehow that would help me get away," states Acharm. "I completely forgot to pretend I had a vehicle before trying to outrun the cops." Acharm is said to have made off with over half a grand of items, including a cart that could only be successfully stolen in LA. Now, she must convince police that she doesn't exist if she has any hope of avoiding charges. "I tried to give them a fake name, hoping that their computers didn't work," Acharm told the press as she wished her straight jacket out of existence. "Unfortunately, once again, my attempt to manipulate reality failed." Walmart has not commented as to why their security cameras failed to stop working when Acharm left the store. When walking into the store, we discovered that attempting to steal will always result in charges when caught. That's not to say we tested it ourselves. We just looked to Acharm as an example.

The Founder and CEO of the Venango Republic announced on social media that he plans on attending karaoke at Oliver's Beer Garden tonight. Blobbert Blobfish, who has built a reputation in the northwestern Pennsylvania region as the most sophisticated slime humanoid, has already attended one event this summer at the famous outdoor venue. Today, he plans to leave his mark again by singing his rendition of that famous number, Baby Shark DoDoDoDoDoDo. Fans of the Venango Republic legend say they are excited to finally be able to shake the hand of their favorite sea creature. Although the event is not specifically for Mr. Blobfish, fictional security will be present to ensure he is not overwhelmed by fictional press. "I just can't believe I will be able to see him in the fictional flesh," states Cheyenne Awayfromhere of Harborcreek. "I have always wanted his autograph, but I hear it always gets wet after he signs." Beverages will be available at the bar because Oliver's Beer Garden sells them. The night will feature talent from other singers because this event was not created with Blobbert as a main attraction. Technically, Oliver's doesn't even know or care Blobbert is coming. Tickets are available by visiting that scammer trying to paint this as a paid event. For more information, visit Oliver's Beer Garden's social media, and not ours because we aren't being paid to promote them.

Corry, Pennsylvania, capital of Erie County's east side, has pledged its support for the City of Erie in the conflict over Millcreek's Mall Gun. This came after Mayor Derail of Corry announced to the press how nice it would be for his city to have a mall of their own. "Every attempt I make to give this town a nice vibe continually fails," Derail told the press. "Perhaps if we side with Erie, they will let us have the Mall Gun in Kearsarge." The Mall Gun in Kearsarge has been the center of controversy for several weeks due to it being shaped like a gun pointed at the capital. With Erie having absolutely no counter defenses, sanctions have been the primary means of placing pressure on the neighboring community. Corry's disadvantage in convincing Erie to give them the gun is their lack of appeal. As one of Erie County's least attractive sights, Mayor Paranoia of Erie, capital of Erie County, has chosen to place the city on the far southeastern side with the hope that its existence will be completely forgotten. Satalite image shows Corry at farthest possible distance "I have been trying to place Union City right next to Corry for years," Mayor Paranoia states. "Unfortunately, that town is refusing to follow my executive order to get out of sight." With Corry being on Erie's list of places to visit when you want to feel better about yourself, it is hard to imagine Paranoia agreeing to give them a giant Mall Gun. Union City is not as established as Corry in deciding who they are siding with. According to information provided by the Union City Fallout, residents of the town are debating whether it is worth taking Erie's side if they don't have a Mall Gun of their own. Many residents are choosing to side with Millcreek despite Millcreek's wish for Union City to get out of sight. The division between Erie and Millcreek is said to potentially result in a civil war between the townships. Only one casualty has been reported since the start of the debate over Millcreek's Mall Gun. The trial for Llamar Llamley is scheduled for next week.