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In a recent report , the Venango Republic cited the Oil City Derrick as having a whopping one subscriber. Despite this following being huge by Oil City standards, the Derrick reached out to us complaining that they actually have three. "This misinformation was incredibly insulting" says a fictional man who may or may not work for the Derrick "yes, we reported on our taxes one subscriber to avoid paying the extra 20 cents, but everyone knows we have three." To avoid legal disputes, the CEO's of each major news company met this morning at the Oil City Outhouse. After 5 hours of negotiations, a 10 cent settlement agreement was made to avoid matters going before the judge. The Venango Republic has agreed to pay the 10 cents over the next 5 years and to only reference the rival news publication with a satiric name. From this point on, the Venango Republic will only reference the news company mentioned above as the "errick" with a silent capital "D" on the front. The Derrick (the "D" is silent) is pleased with the proposal and, in our falsified quote, will "never get mad at us for existing again."

Oil City, we need to talk about this Mayor... I understand that nobody in our town progressed beyond the second grade, but this man we keep electing is a moron! 3 weeks ago he declared Oil City the capital despite not knowing what State he resides in. Now this morning, he signs an executive order for succession, declaring our 10 by 10 mile county of 52 residents the Venango States of America. "V-S-A! V-S-A!" Why is this a problem you ask? We don't even have a military! The city policemen literally use spitballs in firefights because the city budget can't afford guns. Nonetheless, he's still going through with it because he thinks we are a superpower. I begged Mayor Blunder... I pleaded with him not to do this embarrassing thing! I said "Mayor, think of the size of your county! Much of the world doesn't know you exist!" "Really?" He asked I sighed thinking I got through to him... "Wow! That means we have the element of surprise!" Now he's raising an army of 5 men to invade the surrounding counties... They too will be carrying straws with spitballs! This is the single dumbest thing he's done since ordering the invasion of Union City believing they possessed "weapons of mass destruction" all because some visiting 7 year old egged him on Halloween! Oil City, we need to impeach this Mayor. His name literally is Blunder! Yes, half the town likes him. Many of them were chearing today when he exited the City Hall/outhouse and were shouting "V-S-A! V-S-A!" That's stands for Venango States of America. Mind you... What States are we talking about?

The Venango Republic Facebook page is the talk of the town. Reaching 6 followers in less than a day, we nearly have 2/3rds of Oil Cities population subscribed to our news. Not only is this huge by Venango County standards, but Mayor Blunder has personally congratulated our CEO for the unforseen success. "This is a big deal" says Jason Bourne, head of advertising for the Venango Republic. "This is six times as many subscribers as the local Derrick who, as of January 2025, reported only 1 person subscribed to their paper." In addition to surpassing the Derrick, the Venango Republic believes they're on course to surpass their biggest competition, Explore Venango. Much like the Venango Republic, Explore Venango is known for getting on people's nerves, the difference being that while the Venango Republic is known for satirical news that is high quality, Explore Venango is known for real news that is low in quality. In February of 2024, Explore Venango lost a networth of 50 cents when they dropped to 10 subscribers. The Venango Republic is confident that they not only will surpass that number, but eventually gain subscriptions from all 52 residents in the entire county. The biggest question facing the competition is why people are leaving standard news for a satirical website. Firstly, we must remember that all journalists at the Venango Republic are college graduates from renowned universities. This does present a challenge to our writers as they must always remember to lower their standards to a second grade level keeping in mind that no one in Venango County has even reached middle school. The fact that the educational standard is so low is advantageous for the Venango Republic. Take the Derrick for instance. Their only writer is working his way through preschool. We can tell by the way he spells their name. "I think the main reason people are turning to us is because we make it seem like things are happening here" says Jason Bourne. When you consider the fact that nothing interesting ever happens in Venango County, it makes sense that people will grow bored with a serious newspaper that has nothing interesting to report. Bourne continues by saying "locals want to believe that Venango county is growing like a metropolis. We give them that opportunity by fabricating reality and feeding into that delusion." The Venango Republic estimates that by next month, we will more than surpass the number of subscribers our competitors have. In fact, it is our goal to steal their subscribers completely. This is more than likely to happen because nobody knows what news to trust anymore, so why not turn to the one that feeds your ego?

It's been 2 weeks since the conflict of Western PA began. Mayor Blunder of Oil City has been working around the clock to force Allegheny County to surrender their claims to their famous river. Mayor Blunder has placed sanctions and tarrifs on Pittsburgh and now is even threatening to cut off their water supply if they do not change the name of the Allegheny River to the "Gulf of Venango." "If they refuse to change the name of their river, then we will take away their river" Mayor Blunder stated in a press briefing earlier this morning. What Mayor Blunder fails to understand is that daming up the water will not do much to impact Pittsburghs water supply. As seen in the picture below, Oil Creek bleeds into the Allegheny River at the edge of Oil City. And there are several places south of Oil City where other creeks and rivers converge as well. Pittsburgh for instance has a converging point at the center of their city where the Allegheny river merges with Monongahela to form the Ohio River. If Mayor Blunder wants to successfully cut off Pittsburghs water supply, there needs to be a concerted effort from every city and town north of his target. The only problem is that two weeks ago, Mayor Blunder thought nothing existed outside the Venango county border. Now, he thinks Pittsburgh is the only existing town outside the Venango County border. The Mayor seriously has no idea that Venango county makes up a minute portion of an entire planet. This means he has no relationship with any city other than the neighboring Franklin. Despite his lack of geographical knowledge, the Mayor is adamant about daming up the river in hopes of "sending a message to that tiny town down south." An executive order was signed yesterday morning for the construction of a 5 foot tall dam. Work begins today at 12 o'clock and is expected to last at least 10 years. Experts from the University of Clarion believe this effort will result in Pittsburghs water levels dropping by as much as a quarter inch.

There is a heated debate among local residents regarding Mayor Blunders attempts to change the name of the Allegheny river. In a press briefing today, Mayor Blunder stated that if Pittsburgh does not comply with changing the name of their river to the Gulf of Venango, he will impose Tarrifs on all imports into Venango County. What Mayor Blunder fails to understand is that Oil City has not imported from Pittsburgh in over 30 years. Ever since the oil dried up, the city has been too dirt poor to make any major trades. Additionally, Pittsburgh, despite being the largest city in Allegheny County, is not the capital. Decisions like changing the rivers name needs to go to the Governor in Harrisburg who is likely uninterested in hearing the proposal. Mayor Blunder is not backing down regardless of these factors. He is determined to have the river changed to "Gulf of Venango" even if it means placing sanctions on Pittsburgh. In a press briefing this morning, the Mayor stated "I don't know what sanctions are, but we will impose them if it accomplishes this objective." The Mayor of Pittsburgh has not responded likely because he doesn't know Oil City exists. Mayor Blunder recognizes that trade must resume for tarrifs to have any impact. With Oil Cities oil dried up, the Mayor proposes using the current most valuable resource in town. Local craft vendors are being urged to start producing their most creative garbage and start selling it to people in Pittsburgh. The hottest item on the line right now is mittens made from feathers plucked from baby chickens. If Oil City can somehow influence trade with these chicken feather mittens, then Mayor Blunder can theoretically start imposing tarrifs on what Pittsburgh trades in return. "I can't imagine a small town like Pittsburgh having any resource as valuable as our chicken mittens" says Mayor Blunder "I hear Pittsburgh is less than half our population, and there are so many chickens here, our future is set!" The Mayor is confident he holds all the cards in the conflict surrounding the Allegheny river. It is just a matter time till we see if his tarrifs have any effect.

Mayor Blunder, who has served Oil City for the last 30 years politically, is fed up with our neighboring county. "I have never personally been to Allegheny County" Stated Mayor Blunder "all I know is that body of water running through our county deserves a better name!" Mayor Blunder can't imagine a city like Pittsburgh having a population as big as Oil City. "Oil City is practically a metropolis! And the biggest City should be able to name the river after their county!" Mayor Blunder would like to make plans for Airforce One to fly him over the river. There he would sign an executive order declaring the river as the "Gulf of Venango." Unfortunately, the tiny town of Washington D.C. has not responded to his inquiry. Mayor Blunder has no choice but to dip into the city funds and rent a single pedal boat for this occasion. The boat will temporarily be named "Boat Force One." Mayor Blunder is ecstatic about the renaming of the Allegheny river. "I wouldn't be surprised if word of this reaches around the world. And maybe even further. It might even go to the border of Clarion!" Only time will tell. What can be determined is that Allegheny County will not surrender their claims to the river. It is expected that everywhere else in the world, Google maps will display the name "Allegheny River." As for those observing within the borders of Venango county, they will see the name "Allegheny River." When asked how he will force Google to adhere to the name change, Mayor Blunder replied "what's Google?"

Clarion Township is a small college town in western PA known for their success in drawing young students. Residents of this fine community like to think of themselves as a "Mayberry with a University." Although small, they take pride in the charm of their community without exaggerating their potential. And then there's Oil City, a visual dump in the neighboring county who, despite sharing their city hall with an outhouse, seems to think of themselves as a highrise in Manhattan. Ironically, most the residents don't know people exist beyond the Clarion borderline with some even suggesting that life cannot exist past the reaches of Venango. It's the strangest conspiracy since the invention of flat Earthers. Johnathan Unitustogether, a statistical analyst for Clarion University, has been working closely with Psychiatrist Ben Shapinghero to better understand why Oil City residents are delusional about the size of their importance. According to census data dating back to before the oil industry collapsed, 98.7% of Oil City residents are an average of 102 years old. This means that almost 100% of the current population was here when Quaker State left in the early 90s. "The data clearly shows these residents are living in denial" says Shapinghero "they couldn't come to grips with the industry leaving and therefore try to compensate their loss by acting like they're bigger than Chicago." What makes the contrast of both towns so fascinating is that they both faced economic struggles at about the same time. The difference is that Clarion managed to recover without displaying this sense of inflated ego. Oil City on the other hand continues to lose business and population because the residents eventually die. Oil City does have one thing going for it. There is a college at the edge of town. This school draws in about 5 students every 15 years. However, only one student on record managed to complete his 4 year degree program. That same student skipped town in 2020 after Mayor Blunder agreed to have his ankle monitor removed. According to sources, this sad excuse for a college was purchased by Clarion University. When asked to comment, the president of Clarion University said "oh... we don't talk about that building. Our hope is that if we just don't mention it, it will eventually be forgotten and just go away." As the years have passed, Oil City has lost much of its population. Nobody ever leaves. They just get old and die. It is estimated that by 2035, there will be only 5 residents left in what was once a very prosperous region. Meanwhile, Clarion will continue to exist as a town where young students come and go seeking an education to propel them into the real world.

Let's face it! Nothing really happens in Venango County. Its biggest events are corn hole tournaments drawing an average of 8 people. Which is why it's appropriate to have a page called "Venango Happenings" where locals can post about the interesting things that never take place. That is until this weekend, when an anonymous local posted satirical content which made the county sound like it was worth a visit. A local journalist who recently took up the anonymous persona of Jeremy Jetfuel sparked loads of controversy when he dared to make Venango County sound like things actually happen there. "We are extremely put off by this attempt to make Venango County sound interesting!" says Bluebonnet Plague, moderator of the extremely unpopular Venango Happenings page. "We didn't call our page Venango Happenings for people to make our county sound worthwhile!" Plague has since seen an increase of 50 members ever since Jetfuel posted his satirical articles. The increased interest in the page is extremely frustrating to the moderator who has wanted to maintain the low following of 2 subscribers. "Now we actually will have people talking about the county! And it's all thanks to this journalist!" Bluebonnet Plague plans to remedy this situation by encouraging the mass increase in followers to continue posting uninteresting things about Venango County. It's unclear what positive impact Jeremy Jetfuels influence will have on the county. Venango Happenings was the most talked about page in the community with a following of about 2 subscribers. Ever since Jetfuel posted his 3 articles from the Venango Republic, Venango Happenings has gone viral with over 52 people following their page.

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A local man has put the community in an upproar by attempting to poke fun at our beloved city. Jeremy Jetfuel, a local prankster has published online content that seeks to undersell the high class nature of our prosperous city by painting individuals as poor uneducated rednecks who have no access to modern technology and are lacking knowledge of the outside world. In his recent publications, Jetfuel caused local residents to protest his works as they claimed he has defamed one of the wealthiest cities known to the county residents. City officials are also outraged by the recent publications and are considering fining Jetfuel an astronomical 50 cents which exceeds the local treasury by 50 cents. Local prosecutors are prepared to take legal action but are facing difficulties with state law books that haven't been updated in 40 years. With no modern phones, and only a broken telegraph machine (Google telegraph if you don't know what it is), the city has no way to communicate with the state capital to know what laws exist pertaining to online content. The Mayor of Oil City has offered a reward of 10 cents to anyone who can successfully communicate with the State Governor for information on the legality of Jetfuels articles. Mayor Blunder also offers a 5 cent incentive for anyone who can inform him on who the State Governor is. Blunder also says he will include an additional 5 cents to anyone who can inform him what state this is. Until Oil City successfully communicates with the State Capital, one can only imagine how much more content Jetfuel will create. Mayor Blunder is advising the residents of Oil City to come together and protest this disgusting satirical website created to poke fun at the high societal culture of Oil City. So far, everyone has no idea what he's talking about because no one in town has ever used the internet. Jetfuel is being held at the local McDonald's for questioning. They would send him to the county prison, but driving him to Franklin exceeds the city budget.

Mayor Blunder, now serving his 7th term for Oil City, is at risk of impeachment. It's less than a month till the three year anniversary of Mayor Blunder losing the coffee can containing all 25 dollars of the city treasury fund. Blunder has been looking long and hard for the container in hopes of balancing the city debt. Unfortunately, Blunder has been unsuccessful. Much of the city is wondering how a Mayor can be so stupid as to lose the only money in the city treasury. Mayor Blunder defended himself in a press briefing stating that the towns folk are just as stupid for electing a Mayor 7 times even though he has the word "Blunder" in his name. After making this statement the Mayor retraced his steps from the day the coffee can went missing but was unsuccessful in locating it. A new proposal has been made by the city treasurer for a bill that would require city funds to be securely placed in the city hall. Mayor Blunder dismissed the proposal stating that "because our city hall is also the public city outhouse, securing our funds here would require placing it where it is sure to be buried in mountains of s***." After this comment, the Mayor contributed all 25 cents of his weekly paycheck to the city swear jar. In other news, Oil City residents 25 years overdue for 35 trillion dollar debt to city swear jar.

A local church famously known for that person who got stoned on the corner, announced yesterday plans to update their music style to appeal to a younger generation. Pastor Rye Burst, along with worship leader Tie-Dye Absorbant, are working tirelessly to develop skills in the more modernized folk style hymn singing. "We recognize that modernizing worship is key to catching a young crowd" Burst states "at the same time, we didn't want to go much more modern than Johny Cash because the stuff they play nowadays goes against our legalistic beliefs." To help enforce this view, the church has elected to keep the pipe organ to remind visitors that man made tradition supersedes innovation. "Most those organ sounds can be found on a standard electric keyboard" said Absorbent "but we perceive modern electric instruments as materialistic. Thats why we instead cleave to more cumbersome instruments that exhibit a traditionaly sacrimental look to flaunt our righteous standing." It's not just the instruments. The church of First Orange Juice says they want to update their wardrobe as well. "Our pastor wears a suit because Jesus would have done so if they were available in His time." Mr. Absorbent says "However, people below the hierarchy only have to wear them on special occasions." The worship leaders for instance are trying to be hip for the young crowd by dressing more casual. But not too casual... Anything less than a polo shirt with slacks is sacrilegious. "Our church strongly believes God wants us to come as we are" states Burst "but that certainly doesn't mean come serve as you are! There's a fine line between T and Polo. If your shirt lacks a collar and has designs with words, you obviously need to get out of everyones sight." According to the elder Boblehead Flashlight, words on a shirt are distracting from worship even if the message glorifies God. "I remember one guy playing guitar on stage had a shirt depicting a cross with the words 'Jesus Saves!'" You can imagine how detestable such provocative imagery was to the people trying to worship Jesus that Sunday. That's why Flashlight had the perpetrator removed from his role the following week until he agreed to buy better clothing. "Oil City has a lot of poor people lacking the funds to buy formal clothing" says Absorbant "as much as we want them to know they are children of God, we need to make it clear that people of that class can never be used by God looking that filthy. If you have the clothes, great! If you cant afford it, just wait till you can and then we'll talk about where we want you." As it pertains to the ladder of success at the church of First Orange Juice, it has been determined that intelligence is the key to Biblical knowledge. "Part of our hierarchy is a matter of how old you are. This can easily be measured by the wrinkles on your face and how gray your hair looks" says Flashlight. Granted, some young men have tried to get around this through smoking excessively and dying their hair gray. According to Flashlight, such individuals face major consequences like getting stoned on the corner. There is one exception for young men... A Bible degree at a 4 year university. According to associate pastor Mitt Huntsbabyboy, Bible degrees are essential for young men to be used in positions of hierarchy. "Unless you possess a bachelor's of Biblical studies, do not question the teachings and instructions" says Huntsbabyboy "yes, we teach that God is an all powerful being who has the capacity to empower any man with His wisdom regardless of age, class or social status. That doesn't mean we believe it, and we certainly won't give anyone the chance to prove it. We rather you work for success and then give God credit for what you prove through works of righteousness." The church of First Orange Juice is working hard to maintain a modern traditional appeal. Too modern, and the old people get upset. Too traditional, and young people wont come. According to Pastor Burst "the key is to please the old generation while making it seem like you have a heart for the modern crowd." Think of it as nontraditional legalism. Or in the words of William Scrubadubdub "we just need to look like we're trying without losing our outward sense of importance."