Locals are excited to learn that the region is experiencing a new level of wealth after county treasurers counted the same dollar twice. This came after the people in charge of our money decided to count the same dollar bill to double our savings. "We understand that there is only one bill" states Johnny Deposite. "Counting the dollar a second time was just so that we could finally tell the community that we counted to two." The method seems to have paid off (nothing). According to dishonest staticians, the region is seeing major improvements in urban development. They even presented nothing to back up this claim. With houses falling to pieces on the northside of Oil City, and the average family only making enough to put drugs on the table, experts hope that the supposed increase in the county treasury means a positive future for the area.

FRANKLIN — Locals say 46-year-old Dennis “Big Dime” McClurg is the richest man in town. At least, according to Dennis himself. The self-proclaimed tycoon was spotted outside Dollar General yesterday, leaning against his 2004 Chevy Cavalier with one missing hubcap, declaring that “life is good when you’ve got money like me.” Sources say McClurg, who works part-time stacking cans at the same Dollar General, insists that his financial portfolio is unmatched. “I’ve got two scratch-off tickets in my glove box right now,” he boasted. “And if either of them hit, that makes me a millionaire in waiting. That’s called investments, look it up.” Despite living in a one-bedroom apartment above his cousin’s garage, McClurg claims he’s sitting on “serious property.” When pressed, he clarified that the “property” is actually the broken trampoline behind the garage, which he rents out to neighborhood kids for fifty cents a bounce. Asked about his spending habits, McClurg stated, “I don’t waste money like you peasants. I only drink top-shelf. And by top shelf, I mean the top shelf at Save-A-Lot — where they keep the two-liter Mountain Dew.” Neighbors say McClurg is harmless but entertaining. “He once told me he’s diversified because he owns both a Playstation 2 and a DVD player,” said one witness. “I didn’t have the heart to tell him those are the same thing.” At press time, McClurg was reportedly making plans to “retire early” once he cashes in the $23.50 he has saved in change jars around his apartment.

This just in: an Amish man might be banned from Heaven after a local public figure posted a video of him crossing the street on a scooter. According to sources, the man who filmed the Amish guy posted a video to Facebook with the caption “this made my day,” not realizing that Amish don’t like to be filmed. Consequently, his good day may come at the cost of the Amish guy having a bad eternity. “I know it goes against their religion to have pictures and videos taken of them,” states the dud who just likes tea. “I just couldn’t help myself. The cars stopped to let him cross, and it made me feel like this everyday occurrence only happens once in a lifetime.” Despite this moment being painfully ordinary, the dud who just likes tea acted like it was the greatest act of kindness ever shown on four wheels. He made it sound like the Amish were a mother duck and Clarion traffic was risking its lives to save her ducklings. Congrats, drivers—you helped an endangered species cross the road. The Amish guy successfully made it across. Unfortunately, Jesus is now stuck deciding if this Amish man should make it past the pearly gates. If his shot at salvation gets revoked, you can thank the cameraman for sending him straight to Hell. Some people are outraged at the local celebrity. His post, which went “viral” with 5 likes and zero shares, stirred a mix of emotions among people mostly confused about why it was even posted. One of our own followers pointed that out and immediately got blocked by Mr. Facebook Hero. Apparently, noticing the obvious makes Venango Republic readers the jerks. At least we don’t send Amish men to Hell, though. It’s hard to say what will become of this Amish man. All he wanted was to roll into Clarion, not trend in the county’s smallest corner of the internet. Now, he might need a new religion just to get a fair shot upstairs. Thanks a lot, cameraman.

The lockrock pipeline has been a matter of dispute for politicians in Venango County for years. Should Oil City move on from the industry? Or should we steal Warrens oil by secretly building a pipeline beneath their city? Experts state that the pipeline could cost millions to produce. Nonetheless, Mayor Blunders says that he is willing to overspend if it will help the city be covered in grease again. Unfortunately, due to the city being 25 dollars in debt to Butler, they cannot justify another loan. Not until they pay off the Butlers coverage for their stop sign. Koala Bearis, runner up for the last Oil City election, stated that she is against the pipeline because the fossil fuels could impact her natural habitat. Bearis has been living in the palm trees outside of Oil City for several years and fears the oil could spill onto her fur. The Lockrock pipeline may not be the most productive decision economically, but Blunders is adamant that this must be done to ensure Oil City thrives again. According to Blunders, stealing oil from Warren will surely bring back Quaker State and Pennzoil. Blunders has no idea what these companies did when they were here, but he is sure it will accomplish something.

It's a plan unlike anything we have not tried so far. I mean.... We have been doing this since the 90s..... But lets keep pretending it works..... Venango County is working tirelessly by hoping people come back to the county. According to sources, optimism has risen by 50 percent in the groups of enthusiests who's size has dropped by 50 percent. Local experts state that somehow increasing hope in times of decline makes things better, even though it doesn't. The locals who are enthusiastic that people will move back to the county state that they "know people are coming because people are moving here." This technically isn't wrong when you consider how the population has dropped from 57 thousand to 49 thousand since 2020..... They're probably Covid casualties.... If declination is growth, then technically we gained 8 thousand residents in the last five years. Take that, pessimists! Listen, pessimism gets nowhere. Do not think of this as a loss of residents. Think of it as a diet. The more people who leave, the leaner we become! Venango County isn't small. We just aren't as fat as we were! Of course, the pessimists are going to point to the decline of our population as a way to suggest nobody wants to be here. And while the evidence strongly supports that, let's just continue to say that it's not true. That's better than figuring out how to make them want to be here. Bottom line, people are coming back... to grab whatever they accidentally left before moving. That's technically people coming! Who cares if it is just a few seconds? So let's just stop complaining and agree that those of us pretending that population is growing aren't living in denial.

The Cranberry Walmart experienced a unique spat between a 6'2 biker and a 4'3 elderly woman. The argument lasted for roughly 30 seconds with the biker suprised to find that the woman's Osteoporosis means she has a spine made of steel. Witnesses say that the fight started when the biker refused to move his cart from the woman's parking space. Heather Witheredhand, an 82 year old local known for being cranky, threatened to run the biker down with her mobility scooter. The Biker has been identified as Marvin Skullface. According to sources, Skullface eventually muttered under his breath "this isn't worth it" when he realized his image was being marred from arguing with an elderly woman. Members of his bike gang are meeting later this week to discuss replacing him with Miss Witherhand. Altough her scooter is not a Harley, store employees say Heather was later seen cruising the aisles in victory, while Marvin sat outside on the curb googling “how to join AARP.”

An anonymous man learned today that his actions are not respected by anyone worth respecting. According to sources, Mr. Iam Acoward thought that committing a horrible crime could potentially gain him worldwide recognition. Fortunately, practically 100% of those who witnessed his actions don’t have hearts that were kept on ice. The man at large is not only at large due to his quietness, but because his ego is too big for this planet to accommodate. Researchers at Utah Valley University warn that Earth itself risks falling out of orbit under the gravitational pull of his exaggerated self-importance. The man worthy of public disgrace states that he personally believes he was mortally wounded — by opinions he had every ability to ignore. Unfortunately, his demented ego kept him from making the simple decision of deleting his social media and turning off his phone. “I genuinely thought that the cure to my hurt was to do something that would make me carry guilt forever,” he reportedly confessed in the delusional echo chamber of his own head. "I thought about seeking therapy after today. Unfortunately, the only solution I found is pretending I am proud of what I did and living in the secrecy that will haunt me forever." As for other pricks on social media who think freedom of speech means ending lives that exercise freedom of speech, researchers fear their self-importance will also take up too much hard drive space for online platforms to function. Several posts comparing a certain victim to Hitler seem to think that holding a microphone under a tent equates to the Holocaust. Ironically, 13 years of university appearances only resulted in one person targeted unfairly, and it happens to be the supposed Hitler..... Still not sure how you can compare that to the real Hitler’s 6 million..... The universities really are failing us in the math department. Fortunately, such morons who make that comparison aren't drawing crowds at college campuses. This is probably because everyone knows not to give a platform to another wannabe Hitler. The coward hiding from the public has expressed some disappointment over the results. Despite trying to silence an influential voice, he now has millions more speaking the opinions he doesn't like. "I was hoping that by silencing somebody, those ideas would suddenly not exist anymore," states the man who clearly has no concept of how people think. "I figured what didn't work for John Wilkes Booth, the guy who got Kennedy, and the dude who killed MLK would somehow work when I tried it. Oddly enough, millions still hold the opinions I don't like, and they are more emboldened to speak than before." Mr. Iam Acoward is unfortunately more wounded than before his heartless act. What was only one voice has now turned into several voices emboldened by his actions. Mr. Acoward is in critical condition and must be taken to a hospital before he wets his bed. A GoFundMe page has been created to help purchase pacifiers for him to suck on. He would use his thumb, but he's still trying to hitchhike a ride on the road to denial. Speaking of denial: Voices aren't silenced when you pull the trigger on your target. The views you thought you ended are written in the history books. Take a hint! Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr., and John F. Kennedy (whatever it was he stood for… we personally aren't sure, but those who do know it!) are examples of how an attempt to destroy the beauty of free speech will always backfire. Am I wrong, or hasn't slavery ended? Are people still drinking from fountains marked by racial differences? Yeah, problems still exist. But you, the shooter, did nothing to silence an opposing side of American culture. And here is where we cut the satire by stating it is time to cut this crap of comparing people to Hitler. There are good ideas and bad ideas on both sides of politics. It is not a case of one side being more evil than another. Instead, it's a nice balance of imperfect people trying to perfect a government that will never be perfect. Why? Because it is run by people. America has one thing in common with every country in the world: it is just a plot of land in the ocean being fought over by diverse groups trying to have their voices heard. And the bottom line is that having an opinion doesn't make any of us more important than the people who disagree with us. You want to make this country a better place? Start loving people you naturally want to hate. You think their hatred is evil? Then be better than them and love them in return. Your love could be the very thing that helps them change. "But I don't want them to change." Oh! You want them to keep hurting people? What logic! "My feelings are hurt, so I'll do something extremely hateful so others feel hurt." Brilliant! So much more productive than learning to love your enemies! "Instead of overcoming the evil I disagree with, I'll just be the same way!" I am not calling Charlie Kirk hateful or loving. I am saying that how we respond to others we disagree with determines whether we are loving. Love is not a right granted by governments. It is a motive we can put into action even when opposed by others. If you have to demand it from others, then what you are fighting for is not love. It is self-glory. When politics takes priority over loving our enemies, we are no longer practicing what we preach. We are living in opposition to what we claim to live for. This is evidenced by what we observed in Utah. It was an act of hate. And if we truly oppose hate, we would not wish harm on those we oppose, but desire for them to know the love we claim to posess. This goes for everyone. Including the shooter, who obviously has the same hate he thought he was trying to destroy. You want to make a difference? Then love when you feel offended.

A local woman took to the What's Happening in Clarion County Facebook page Monday afternoon expressing her grief over her bike being stolen. According to sources, the bike may have been taken by a dirtbag we cited in an article months ago. Article here . Police have not confirmed to us if it is the same dirtbag. According to experts, this may be because the police department doesn't update fake news sources. This leaves us no choice but to make up the details ourselves. According to our unreliable sources, the dirtbag matches the same personality as the one from the original article. The victim of this crime, who we will refer to as Miss Notwhite (her name is not White!), sent a strong message to the perpetrator of this horrible act of public indecency..... Criminal thanked and threatened in a matter of two sentences. The post instantly went viral by Clarion standards gaining a whopping eleven reactions and twelve comments. Some of the commenters expressed having the same experiene with a dirtbag.... "Why can't someone just want me for my personality and not just my bike?" Another woman, who we will refer to as Rising Contributor, was so frustrated, she forgot to proofread her comment..... Are we getting the stole work boots? Or did somebody steal work boots????? A top contributor on the page, who we will call Gym Dreamer, proposed that talking nicely on Facebook might make the bad guys put the bike back.... Please Gym, do not show up during a hostage negotiation! Also, put on a shirt! I saw your profile picture! Only time will tell if the dirtbag who stole the bike will ever be found. Experts state that the most difficult part about this situation is the fact that the bike was stolen in a town where everything stands out. How are we ever going to recognize this bike when the criminal takes it out for a ride? I guess we'll just have to try extra hard to notice something recognizable.

The NFL season kicked off this afternoon with Oil City falling to last in the standings. With the NFL failing to respond to the teams application to play in the league, Oil City was forced to play their first game alone with nobody in the stand (they only have one level). The game started with no ref to do the coin toss. Consequently, Oil City called their captian onto the field to flip the coin. When the toss failed to go their way, Oil City was forced to wait for the other team to choose to kick off or recieve. There is no other team and Oil City is still on the field waiting to start the game. The lack of fans was also evident at the game with the only supporter being Coach Numbskulls mom. Mrs. Numbskull had no ticket and was escorted out of the game. The quarterback has no throwing arm because he lost it in an amputation. Fortunately, he did not have to throw today because they haven't played. With the game still on wait for the non existing team to choose who gets the ball, Oil City may be foced to postpone next weeks game. Oil City was set to play nobody once again but may be forced to continue this game against nobody.

Clarion has seen some weird things over the years. In 2015, a man was caught lighting a cigar with a Molotov cocktail. In 2020, a gentleman tried bypassing the Walmart mask mandate by claiming he already died of it. This year, however, presents a whole new kind of weird. A masked man can be seen each night on the top of his car overlooking the town. According to sources, the man is too out of shape to climb the two-story buildings that make up the entire township. He also has no strength to climb the light posts to get a better view. Townsfolk already know who the guy is. He literally keeps forgetting to take his nametag off after work. Consequently, he jumps from car to car thinking he's doing something, then acts surprised when an insurance agent appears at his house to collect for damages. Locals have nothing to be grateful for regarding this man. He arrives ten minutes after the police have the emergency under control. Last week, he witnessed a crime ten feet from him and still managed to arrive late because his cape got stuck in the blender at Dunkin’. With no real purpose to what he is doing, we really have nothing good to say about him. After all the accomplishments he still has not made, one question remains: Why does this guy think we care who he is? We don’t! We literally could care less if he stopped right now! Locals say they are not bothered by him being out at night—just as long as he stops jumping on their vehicles. With crime about the same as it always has been, many speculate he'll eventually get bored and get a life. Until then, he will just be the backside of everyone’s joke. But hey, Dave... I mean Golden Eagle Man, will be here to solve nothing!

OIL CITY – Local residents have sparked a heated debate this week over whether sitting on the porch for six hours counts as a legitimate form of exercise. The controversy began when Gary “Two-Chairs” McClintock bragged on Facebook about burning 800 calories during his Sunday “porch session.” According to Gary, he achieved this feat by rocking back and forth aggressively while waving at every passing car that didn’t exist. Neighbors quickly joined the debate, citing their own porch-based fitness routines: “I curl beer cans. That’s strength training,” said one man who hasn’t been inside since 1998. “Swatting mosquitoes is basically CrossFit,” added a woman who claims she now has the reflexes of a ninja. “If gossiping about my neighbors burns calories, then I’m training for the Olympics,” said another. Local doctors remain skeptical. One physician confirmed that porch-sitting does burn calories, but “so does lying in a coma.” Meanwhile, Oil City’s unofficial lifestyle experts insist porch-sitting deserves recognition. A petition has been started to add it to the annual Oil Heritage Festival schedule as a competitive event, complete with trophies for “Longest Sit,” “Most Cigarettes Smoked Without Moving,” and “Best Excuse for Not Mowing the Lawn.” Experts predict the debate could drag on for months — or at least until the porches collapse under the weight of scientific discovery.

A local church known for that random guy who got stoned on the corner says that they are adapting their style to reach a younger generation. Pastor Rye Burst, known for actively sustaining his soft toned Mr. Rogers Fakerhood voice, says that he is wanting to tone down the legality of his service to a standard that makes young people feel less like they're attending a service in the Oakwood Heights nursing home. Recognizing the risk of compromise, and the potential loss of respect from pipe organ lovers, Burst is cleverly taking things slow by choosing to reach a generation that was youthful in the 70s. "We don't want to go too young," states Pastor Burst. "Taking things to that extent might bring kids into the church. We all know what that could do to the carpets." The decision to take things slow is not the worst idea for a church that thinks outdated is the new black. Mind you, old people who will die in the next five years don't like major change. It makes sense to only lower your age appeal by ten years once every ten years... I mean, technically you'll be back where you started after that ten years is up, but let's just keep this nonsense going. "We know that Jesus said 'let the little children come to me,'" states Tie-Dye Absorbant, worship leader at the church of First Orange Juice. "But we are fairly certain that if they came to Jesus wearing shirts that say 'Jesus saves' He would definitely turn them away." The attempt to reach a younger generation has been in the back of this church's mind for years. Unfortunately, it was buried underneath all that apathy. Finally, just enough has surfaced so retirees can feel accepted. "These people are coming to a point in life where they are free from hard work," states Bobblehead Flashlight, Elder at the church of First Orange Juice. "We need to help them transition from that nonsense they put up with in the real world so that when they grow a little bit older, they can live long enough to make it to hospice." We don't know what that means either..... The church of First Orange Juice may be behind in their appeal to youth. One thing is for certain though: they are raising up a new generation of elderly folk. At this rate, experts think they will catch up to modern life in roughly... never.....