Local Church Takes Step Closer to Modernizing Music

A local church famously known for that person who got stoned on the corner, announced yesterday plans to update their music style to appeal to a younger generation.

Pastor Rye Burst, along with worship leader Tie-Dye Absorbant, are working tirelessly to develop skills in the more modernized folk style hymn singing. "We recognize that modernizing worship is key to catching a young crowd" Burst states "at the same time, we didn't want to go much more modern than Johny Cash because the stuff they play nowadays goes against our legalistic beliefs."

To help enforce this view, the church has elected to keep the pipe organ to remind visitors that man made tradition supersedes innovation. "Most those organ sounds can be found on a standard electric keyboard" said Absorbent "but we perceive modern electric instruments as materialistic. Thats why we instead cleave to more cumbersome instruments that exhibit a traditionaly sacrimental look to flaunt our righteous standing."

It's not just the instruments. The church of First Orange Juice says they want to update their wardrobe as well. "Our pastor wears a suit because Jesus would have done so if they were available in His time." Mr. Absorbent says "However, people below the hierarchy only have to wear them on special occasions." The worship leaders for instance are trying to be hip for the young crowd by dressing more casual. But not too casual... Anything less than a polo shirt with slacks is sacrilegious.

"Our church strongly believes God wants us to come as we are" states Burst "but that certainly doesn't mean come serve as you are! There's a fine line between T and Polo. If your shirt lacks a collar and has designs with words, you obviously need to get out of everyones sight."

According to the elder Boblehead Flashlight, words on a shirt are distracting from worship even if the message glorifies God. "I remember one guy playing guitar on stage had a shirt depicting a cross with the words 'Jesus Saves!'" You can imagine how detestable such provocative imagery was to the people trying to worship Jesus that Sunday. That's why Flashlight had the perpetrator removed from his role the following week until he agreed to buy better clothing.

"Oil City has a lot of poor people lacking the funds to buy formal clothing" says Absorbant "as much as we want them to know they are children of God, we need to make it clear that people of that class can never be used by God looking that filthy. If you have the clothes, great! If you cant afford it, just wait till you can and then we'll talk about where we want you."

As it pertains to the ladder of success at the church of First Orange Juice, it has been determined that intelligence is the key to Biblical knowledge. "Part of our hierarchy is a matter of how old you are. This can easily be measured by the wrinkles on your face and how gray your hair looks" says Flashlight. Granted, some young men have tried to get around this through smoking excessively and dying their hair gray. According to Flashlight, such individuals face major consequences like getting stoned on the corner.

There is one exception for young men... A Bible degree at a 4 year university. According to associate pastor Mitt Huntsbabyboy, Bible degrees are essential for young men to be used in positions of hierarchy. "Unless you possess a bachelor's of Biblical studies, do not question the teachings and instructions" says Huntsbabyboy "yes, we teach that God is an all powerful being who has the capacity to empower any man with His wisdom regardless of age, class or social status. That doesn't mean we believe it, and we certainly won't give anyone the chance to prove it. We rather you work for success and then give God credit for what you prove through works of righteousness."

The church of First Orange Juice is working hard to maintain a modern traditional appeal. Too modern, and the old people get upset. Too traditional, and young people wont come. According to Pastor Burst "the key is to please the old generation while making it seem like you have a heart for the modern crowd." Think of it as nontraditional legalism. Or in the words of William Scrubadubdub "we just need to look like we're trying without losing our outward sense of importance."