An oil spill has reportedly flooded the Allegheny River at the edge of Oil City. According to sources, a fisherman discovered the catastrophe after successfully pulling a fish out of the river and finding a drop of WD-40 on its scales. Officials are warning that the river may be polluted as a result. Further investigation verified the oil spill took place down stream from where the man was fishing. The discovery of a discarded WD-40 can has police seeking more evidence. Authorities state that they are assessing the can for fingerprints. The discovery could be enough to put the suspected person in jail, with fines amounting to as high as $10. Local environmentalists are devastated to learn that the oil spill leaked into the Allegheny River. Many environmental enthusiasts state that they fear the spill will cause any loose straws to magically wind up in the nostrils of sea turtles swimming down the river. Consequently, Mayor Blunders has announced that he will be authorizing a citywide ban on straws, despite the fact that the Allegheny doesn’t have any sea turtles in it. An evacuation plan has been set in place in case another drop of oil is accidentally spilled into the Allegheny. Mayor Blunder states that it is only necessary to ensure the safety of the people of Oil City in case the river catches fire. This disaster, no matter how unlikely, is one Mayor Blunder is adamant he must prevent at all costs — even if it means the death of innocent fish.

Marshalls is officially open, and instantly it is showing signs of revitalizing the county in ways not seen since the oil boom. According to sources, the population instantly jumped by 200,000 people the very night Marshalls announced it was opening. Experts are still uncertain as to where the residents came from or why they chose to move to the Oil Region. According to some sources, it is likely due to the sudden discovery of Marshalls accessories, which are nowhere to be found within a 20-mile radius. “I first learned of Marshalls opening up last night, and immediately chose to relocate my family all the way from West Virginia,” states a man who has no concept of a gold rush. “My family has been struggling since the Great Depression of 2008, so learning about this opportunity was one we could not pass up.” Local officials are excited at the result that Marshalls’ new store has brought to the region. Could it be that for the last 30 years, the solution to all our problems was to open a store that offers simple products at an affordable price for low-income families? Who would have guessed this was the perfect replacement for the oil industry? “Quaker State and Pennzoil gave us no guidance before they departed,” states the Mayor of Cranberry. “We’ve spent years trying to figure out how to raise our population back to what it once was. This Marshalls store has finally showed us how to draw people in from outside of the region.” Now, Venango County can once again rejoice, seeing that their population is what it was in the days of the oil boom. As of this morning, the population is now at 250,000. That’s five times the mouths to feed. Now, if we could only figure out where to earn the money to feed these people.

It has been several years since Oil City’s recycling program went out of business. The end of the recycling company devastated the region, as it was the last remaining major industry following the departure of oil refineries. Since then, residents have been forced to place their unrecycled plastic in sharp-edged cans at the edge of their yards to act as natural defense systems against unwanted deer. Many have lost hope in the idea that a recycling corporation will return to the area. Mayor Blunders, however, is optimistic about the future of recycling in Venango County, so much that he has put together a new plan to help draw recycling companies back in. The program is called Put It in a Bag and Hope. The practice is exactly how it sounds. You put it in a bag and hope the recycling companies will return, recognizing that people can still do business here. We’re not quite sure what Mayor Blunders is thinking. Much of the world doesn’t know Venango County exists, and those who do know it exists do their best to go around it as much as possible. Still, Mayor Blunders seems adamant that if recyclables are placed outside, recycling companies will somehow pick up on the scent and move their factories back to the region. “We’ve spent many years trying to clean up the streets of Oil City,” states Mayor Flunders. “Now it is time to put the trash back on the roads and to fill our streets with unwanted debris.” Blunders’ supporters are putting faith in his decision-making and actively putting their trash at the edge of the road. Others, however, are skeptical, stating that this could contribute to worse pollution than the days of the oil industry. “We’re not quite sure what pollution means,” states Margaret Hobblebobble, a third-grade teacher who’s working her way through the fourth grade. “I hear it’s something really, really bad, like the kind of thing that could cause your tires to blow.” Opposition to Mayor Blunders’ plan offers no alternative, despite those enforcing this side refusing to back down. Mayor Blunders states that those refusing to place their recyclables at the edge of the road will receive a higher tax. This, of course, means nothing, since everyone in Oil City is too poor to pay their taxes anyways. Consequently, the addition of trash at the edge of the road will likely complement the houses more than the garden beds, making this the most sensible idea Mayor Blunders has thought of yet.

A recent study finds that crawling on the floor does not make any difference in how visible one is to a camera. According to research conducted by professors at Scrappy Joe's University, the act of kneeling on the floor still permits one to be observed even when roaming on all fours. The study consisted of two morons who were prompted by their egos to participate. Upon entering the test area, they were constantly monitored without their knowledge for a more authentic experience. Both parties seemed obsessed with breaking into things while working through the rat maze. Regardless, they eventually made it to the end of the maze along with an arm full of junk they don't need. Scientists were puzzled by the behavior of the two morons. During the maze test, both seemed to think getting on their knees and crawling around would somehow make it impossible for them to be seen. Although it threw off the professors, scientists eventually caught on and were able to track their whereabouts by identifying their obvious existence. Shortly after the test, Scrappy Joe's University released the results to the public on their Facebook page. Several locals were initially unable to observe the test subjects when they were on their knees. However, this invisibility only fooled viewers for approximately zero seconds before they were discovered in the footage. The conclusion being that crawling does nothing.

A local man has successfully found his keys after returning to Scrappy Joe's. According to sources, Mr. Phlegm Cough feared he dropped his keys down a drain when walking in downtown Oil City but decided to check at Scrappy Joe's thanks to the suggestion of his friend. The two spent hours searching in the dark but were able to determine their whereabouts. "I knew they had to be somewhere between an underground drain and Scrappy Joe's," states Mr. Phlegm. "I just couldn't decide whether to choose between discarded weather or discarded items." (Note: If you meant “leather” or “whether,” let me know — “weather” is a real word, so I did not change it.) The search was a messy situation to say the least, with both parties recklessly breaking into things. "We had to ensure all possibilities," says Mr. Phlegm. "You never know if the keys could have accidentally been picked up and dropped into a safe, cash register, or gun case. We even broke the glass to ensure we weren't missing anything." One might say the two were like a bull in a china shop. Unfortunately, Scrappy Joe's doesn't have expensive china, and the two men are more comparable to dumb donkeys. Mainly because they eventually discovered the keys were still in his ignition. "The search was a complete waste of time," Mr. Phlegm states. "It was so cold that we had to wear ski masks. We searched that entire place on our knees just to find out that the keys were in my car. I feel so stupid now!" Don't feel bad Mr. Phlegm. At least you got to be in the paper!

In the aftermath of a robbery at Scrappy Joe's on Seneca Hill, two criminals have learned that body shapes are recognizable to the general public. According to sources, two men were easily recognized by some person eating Cheetos on their couch because they didn't wear fat suits to conceal their outer shape. “I recognized that bicep the minute the man flexed it slightly,” states Janice Flextone. “At first I wasn't sure until his arm moved slightly into the flexing position. That's when I realized it was him.” The bicep lead instantly led police to the whereabouts of the first suspect. The suspect, whose name we will keep confidential, even though they're technically criminals, had an arm with the exact dimensions as described by the woman. Unfortunately, the bicep lead was not enough to convict him of his crimes, forcing the police to seek out another lead. “I was able to provide another lead,” states Janice Flextone. How convenient. Apparently, the woman who we named Janice, even though she has a totally different name, states that she was also able to recognize the voice of one of the criminals. Police have listened to the voice of the alleged criminal, and apparently it matches. Yay for technology! Police were able to press charges against the man based upon the voice comparison. Though the man initially denied it was his voice, he could not stay modest after police started asking for his autograph due to the rich quality of his golden throat oratory. Flattered by the praise, the criminal admitted it was him in the video, and police were able to immediately arrest him on the spot. Going forward, both criminals state that they will be sure to use fat suits and utilize the convenience of voice-changing technology. Additionally, they will continue to be sure to continue using masks to help stop the spread of COVID, which technically became less of a problem after 2021.

After the first snowfall in the Oil Region, temperatures have dropped to levels which the mayor declares too cold for comfort. Consequently, the region is now under a state of emergency because the City Hall, which also shares spaces with the City Outhouse, has no heating system inside to keep our local diplomats warm. With the city budget now $26 in the red, after a loan taken out from Franklin to help fund a new stop sign, Mayor Blunders has no choice but to steal the heating from the richer homes on Oil City’s south side. Residents on the south side who do not acknowledge Mayor Blunders as the true mayor of Oil City state that they will not stand for this tyranny. The real mayor of Oil City has not commented on Mayor Blunders’ plan to steal heating from residents on the north side. In the meantime, the satirical mayor, Mr. Blunders of Oil City, has erected plans to steal heating systems from other homes tonight when residents are sleeping. The plans have been leaked to the public, rendering his intentions useless. With the south side now aware of Mayor Blunders’ plans, experts predict he will shift his attention to the north side. Citizens on the north side have been warned to protect their homes, with the richest family now hiding their wood stove — which predates their broken-down house. The heating systems of Oil City are few and far between. If, however, Mayor Blunders can successfully find one, local leaders are certain he will take it and apply it to the City Hall. That’s assuming that the heating system he manages to steal is still functioning. As far as we’re aware, not a single heating system in Oil City functions anymore due to the lack of funds available to repair them.

A mild dusting changed to a heavy downpour last night with much of the region waking to an inch of snow. According to reality, the ground outside is now covered in what has been widely declared the "first snowfall of the season" primarily because this is the first snowfall of the season. School boards are discussing whether this matter requires immediate action to ensure the safety of nobody. With children no more vulnerable to disease than they were 40 years ago, some have suggested schools may need to consider taking a day to allow the snow time to melt. Experts are saying that failure to wait could result in the worst outcome since yesterday’s best outcome. Traffic also brings anticipation of major wrecks along the border of Antarctica. We would have referenced a location in Western Pennsylvania, but the snow just isn't that deep. Consequently, drivers have already reported fender benders after intentionally wrecking the cars themselves just to give us something to report. As for the homeless, they still have their crumbling houses on the north side of Oil City. Not much to report there either. Stay inside, pretend the matter is hopeless, and wait two hours for this "tragic" event to pass.

Millcreek Township failed to draw anyone during it's annual "Celebrate Millcreek" event. Despite week (no "S") of preparation, advertising excited no one from outside the region. Consequently, the woman in charge was forced to celebrate Millcreek on her own. The festival was started 25 years ago after industry stuggled to keep resident (no "S") in the town. After their primary industry collapsed, resident (no "S") was forced to move because they couldn't afford to open a new Dollar General. In the last 25 years, the only attendees were a few squirrels enquiring about the nuts. According to the coordinator, it's been 15 years and they still have not come back to pay. Resident (no "S") are hopeful they can justify keeping the vendor table open. With the festival dependent on this one and only attraction, the fear of the yearly occasion becoming just another day is ever present in the only person living there.

The debate over the library tax has caused a countywide stir, with many people going so far as to load their yards with signs that change nobody. According to sources, anti-library tax enthusiasts are at war with pro-library tax enthusiasts to see who can crowd their lawns with signs they'll throw out after November 4th. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.... You people have a problem! The debate between the library tax enthusiasts and anti-tax enthusiasts is one of the major conflicts to be resolved in the next few days. However, this is not the biggest controversy among Venango County citizens. What has really caused frustration among locals is the lack of transparency on the pro-library tax signs. Anti-taxers state that the sign supporting library taxes does not specify what will be enforced on all county residents if the vote sways in that direction. According to people who know how to read, the sign simply states “Vote for Libraries,” as if voting against the tax will make them go extinct. “I genuinely thought the library was being forced to shut down,” stated one man who'snever been in one. “I’m sure they have plenty of money, so cutting funding would so unfair! That's just as bad as the Polk Center people forgot about!” Other supporters also seem unclear on what the sign means — primarily because they can’t read. “I chose the sign in that lawn because green is my favorite color,” said Mr. Ihate Green. “I’ll vote for that sign if they promise to keep making them.” As for the signs voiced against the tax code, locals don’t seem to realize they are the same issue. A recent survey we fabricated for this article found that everybody reading the signs decided to vote for both sides. “I want libraries to last and I hate taxes,” said Mrs. Book Bumb. “I’m voting for both issues.” The sign debate is one causing much confusion. Are the anti-taxers misunderstanding the vote? Or is the library trying to hide the fact that taxes will be enforced throughout the county? “We left that detail out because it doesn’t sell,” states the the most Logical Rationale. It makes sense. The minute you say “Vote for taxes,” people are like, “Nahhhhhh!” The minute you say “Vote no taxes,” people are like, “Yeahhhhhhhh!” It only makes sense that if the tax code is a real consequence of “voting for libraries” and not a separate subject, then the term “Vote for Libraries” is likely a sales approach to draw people in without being transparent about the whole issue. However, we still have yet to learn if failure to “vote for libraries” will make them go extinct. What’s that?????? Oh….. common sense just told us they’ll still be here….. so voting against the tax isn’t voting against libraries????? Hmmmmmmm….. I wonder why they’re still wording it that way then…..

The war over the library tax code lasted several weeks in the month of October, resulting in the death of one Foam Wall Jackson, who was spit upon by his own men and instantly died of COVID. Consequently, the devastation of the war is one Mayor Blunders believes the Venango States of America can rebuild from. Now that the northern townships have crushed the rebellion in the south, ending the declared Illiterate States of America, individuals in the southern community are working to prove their loyalty to the Union, despite not wanting the library tax code. Last week, a meeting to discuss terms of surrender took place between Union General Utilities S. Cant and Southern General Rubber E. Pee of the Illiterate States at the Mathematics Courthouse in Cochranton. Utilities S. Cant found success in his week-long campaign of moving his three forces into southern territory where the Illiterate States soldiers were quickly overwhelmed due to their lack of Nerf darts. Rubber E. Pee on the left, discusses terms of surrender with Utilities S. Cant on the right. Now, more than a week later, the devastation of the half-month war results in the Venango States asking themselves what is in store for their future. The southern townships are left to prove their loyalty to the Union, while the northern townships are questioned about their love for the southern townships. If Union forces are removed, library books might not go free. If they stay, library books might not go free. It’s a really complicated situation. The library tax is to be voted on in just a few days, and both sides of the Venango States of America are unclear about the future of our country. The only thing determining the fate of our future is whether the majority will vote to fund libraries countywide or to remain with taxes unimposed upon the southern townships. Ad The war might be over, but the seven-month-old country is still hashing out differences that could determine the worlds perception of us. Aside from the fact that the rest of the world doesn’t really know we exist, the Venango States respect among superpowers is at risk even though they probably have no idea we exist. Mayor Blunders has declared that the Venango States of America must unify immediately and determine whether the library tax code is worth the division we have endured all month... It wasn’t. Northern supporters cheering Mayor Blunders outside the Oil City Library. The war is over, but the vote on the library tax code is still to take place on the 4th of November, making the unity of Venango County and the Venango States of America dependent on what decision the residents make. As northwestern P.A.’s superpower—with the exception of all the rich counties surrounding us—Mayor Blunders emphasizes that unity must be our priority.

Two Oil City legends were spooked Thursday evening when an unidentified gargoyle overshadowed their performance at Billy's restaurant. According to sources, a vocal group whose name resembles a "Lobstersapling" were set to perform three hours of angelic music when an anonymous stone creature appeared to the upper right corner of the stage. “He just sat there and did nothing,” states Thor and Hurting, a bruised resident constantly getting stoned. Several of the audience members sat with mixed emotions over what they observed on stage. Listening to the singers brought feelings of comfort and joy while the reality of a gargoyle staring at them instilled fear in their hearts—the same feeling one gets when they love their wife but realize her cooking is hit or miss... It happens! "It was a mix of awe and disgust," states Marry Xmas. "I was comforted as the two White-ney Houstons of Oil City presented their acoustic renditions of Living on a Prayer, Heaven is a Place on Earth, and Highway to Hell. But that demonic monster in the corner was so unsettling!" The mystery of the gargoyle puzzled everyone. But the duo on stage remained confident and undeterred by what was happening to the left of them. Because we don’t use real names on our website, we will have to refer to the singers with aliases assigned with Google’s definitions of their real names. According to Shortnose Lobsterbush and Treeland Lobsterbush, he wasn’t the worst audience member they ever dealt with. Last week, a frog breeder covered in warts was so impressed by their performance, they had the nerve to walk on stage and offer to shake their hands. The nerve! We could have called her courteous, but we're pricks. We could have called her lincolnmarsh, a swamp bearing Lincolns name, but we couldn't take it that far. We aren’t pricks you know! Despite the ease of both performers, many are skeptical of the gargoyle’s intentions. Some believe that it is deceitful, speculating that it isn’t actually made out of stone at all. One member believes that its fierce look is just a “false portrayal of strength” and that “the foam will not withstand the kitchen oven.” As for the Lobsterbush sisters, they feel the gargoyle is only present to eat children, and something the adults have no reason to fear. In their opinion, it will be gone after Halloween and poses less concern than the Pennywise lookalike in the back. It probably has nothing to do with the recent disappearances... In the meantime, people are encouraged to buckle down and prepare in case this gargoyle has been sent to spy out the land. The gargoyle itself has not commented on his intentions because he cannot move or talk. Consequently, experts believe his lifeless nature suggests we cannot take any chances.