Borough Approves Free Parking in Clarion Until December 26th — After That, You’re On Your Own, Peasants

A unanimous decision has been made to allow free parking in certain sections of Clarion Township, because apparently those extra quarters are needed to help locals afford their gifts this year. According to sources, the free two-hour parking granted by the borough has been established to help local businesses draw in more people, once again hinting at the idea that the town is dirt poor.

In early October, council members debated long and hard over the course of five minutes to reach this difficult decision. This came after last year, when locals were seen rushing from store to store as fast as they could after only putting 10 cents in the meter.

While it is not likely to be a major game-changer, experts believe that by saving the extra 50 cents on parking, locals will be able to start paying down their student loans 50 years after they’re dead.

“The free parking is an important part of ensuring that holiday shoppers come to Clarion Township this year,” states Mayor Intellect of Clarion Township. “Businesses have been struggling immensely due to everyone’s unwillingness to pay the meter. We know that this free parking will be the game changer we have been looking for.”

The free parking will last until December 26th. After that, the city has officially decided that everyone can be screwed for the other 340 days.