Traffic Jam Forms Outside Cranberry Mall After Woman Suggests a New Store Opens

The Cranberry Mall saw heavier traffic than usual today after a woman allegedly suggested to the community that a new store had opened on the West Wing. According to sources, Jennifer Gossip, a local known for speaking impulsively, told locals on a Facebook group that she saw a new store open inside the mall. Thanks for watching!

After further investigation, it was determined that there was no business opening up inside the Cranberry Mall. Instead, Ms. Gossip mistook a flickering lightbulb in one of the abandoned storefronts as a sign of active tenant occupancy.

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The traffic outside the Cranberry Mall took several hours to disperse. Not for the fact that there were more cars than authorities could manage. In fact, only five vehicles filled that side of the parking lot. The issue was figuring out a way to navigate them around each pothole, which have been known to swallow vehicles whole.

Charges will not be pressed against Miss Gossip for misinforming the community on the potential store opening. However, officials have warned the community, citing this example, that not all things reported online can be trusted as factual. Miss Gossip will be forced to carry a sign with her at all times that says, “I speak impulsively. Don't trust what I say.” Additionally, anyone else in the community who misinforms individuals other than the Venango Republic will also be forced to do the same thing.