Cranberry Walmart Broke After 69-Year-Old Fails to Scan a Few Cheap Items

Walmart in Cranberry is facing the possibility of closing their store after discovering a 69-year-old woman failed to scan several items on three separate occasions. According to sources, the woman, who we will refer to as Scan Not, failed to scan several items on occasions that were more than a week apart from each other. Consequently, Walmart has been forced to press charges for the $165 the woman now owes in order that their multi-billion-dollar business doesn't fail.

Ms. ScanNot has not publicly commented on the incident, leaving us to wonder if the failure to scan certain items was intentional or a case of dementia. What we can determine by doing the math is that each occasion averaged a third of $165, which equates to $55.

The guilt of the woman largely hinges on the value of each item she failed to scan. For example, if on the first occasion she somehow overlooked a seven-foot Christmas tree lying sideways in the customer’s cart, attorneys are now forced to debate whether she deliberately avoided eye contact with the tree… or whether she legitimately missed the forest for the fir.

Right now, the woman in question awaits her trial and is desperately trying to find ways to come up with the $165 she now owes to Walmart. Walmart, on the other hand, has three days to get that money from her, with the risk of having to close their doors before the holiday season takes off. This places them in a very vulnerable position, as holiday shoppers never seem to buy enough to help them pay their workers.

“We hate to have to do this,” states the manager of Walmart, who did not actually say this. “The 69-year-old woman has this job as she nears retirement. Unfortunately, we may be forced to retire because of her negligence in scanning that toothbrush and the other items that went with it.”

With the holiday season now here and shoppers ready to fill their carts, the risk of losing Walmart might mean that local residents will either have to settle for the Cranberry Mall or figure out a way to drive to Erie to do their shopping... Let’s just drive to Erie.