The Penguins bid to host an outdoor hockey game was rejcted this year. With weather predictions not in favor of Pensylvania, the NHL elected to go with much colder climates like Miami to host the Winter Classic game. Despite being turned down, fans in Pittsburgh have not lost hope now that the Allegheny looks like Sidney Crosby's dryer if it were a pond.... That's the best joke we could come up with.... Fans are claiming that mother nature has given a sign that Pittsburgh was meant to host a game. No, they did not actually say this. We just needed a good story so we could expand our audience. But lets just imagine they actually said this. The first logical question is: how practical would it be? Well, if the ice cracks, it's still better than Pittsburgh road conditions when you're looking for a place to park. Plus, if you fall through, you can just think of it as a sinkhole with water underneath.... Cold water.... As for seating capacity, you can expand your audience by thousands thanks to those obnoxious hills surrounding your city. We know those hills make up you identity Pittsburgh. But even you get sick of looking at the dead branches every winter. Finally, we have something justifying the Pirates ownership. They can be the ones to walk out on the ice to make sure it's safe. If we learn it's not, we'll finally be able to give the team to someone who cares. A petition for the outdoor event will be available after the ice is too weak to hold. Help save the Pirates today! Make your contribution before PENNDOT salts the river by mistake.

It was an unexpected moment for both women who had not seen each other since dinner the night before. Clara and Tara of Meadville are college students entering their second year, both seeking degrees in mental health with a focus on separation anxiety. Finding the courage to be apart as long as they did took emotional regulation they are not used to exhibiting. That is, except when they do it every day. "I looked up, and there she was," states Tara, who meets Clara at the exact same bar 6 nights a week. "I just couldn't believe my sight. I saw her and was like, 'oh my GOSHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!' Afterwards, I learned that, due to my high-pitched voice, every dog in a 5-block radius lost its hearing. It was still worth the emotional moment." Clara and Tara hugged like one of them just came back from a 4-year mission to Iraq. Did it concern them that every customer in Chippers Pub looked at them strangely? Just ask Clara.... "No....." Thank you for that exposé..... "I am just glad I got to see my friend again," Clara expressed. "Even if it's just for tonight..." It's not.... "I know that I will cherish this memory...." You won't... "...till the next time I see her." Which will be tomorrow at the same pub.... After their hug, the two lifelong friends sat together and ordered several beers. They sang karaoke together, laughed, and didn't waste a moment catching up on everything that took place in the 18 hours they weren't together. It's a wonder how they covered everything so thoroughly.... A moment of sadness could be seen as they parted ways. The two hugged, said their goodbyes, and acted like life moved on. One of them will probably go to the bar as planned tomorrow and wonder if they will ever see the other one again. When the other one shows up on time, the process will repeat...

The war between Venango County and East Crawford has slowly progressed over the course of the last year. Ever since Mayor Dumdum of Titusville declared his county went to space after launching a toy rocket 10 feet off the ground, both governments have gone back and forth trying to out shine each other. Now, the invasion of Oil City's northside has many wondering if Mayor Blunders is fit to lead the nation of Venango County. Losing half the capital city to two military men armed with spitballs and snow grenades is not a mistake you expect from a county renowned leaders. City Hall just days before invasion One of Blunders greatest criticts is Koala Bearis who was the runner up to the Oil City Satiracle Mayor Elections in 2025. Bearis had initially won the election by two votes, but suddenly lost support after Mayor Blunders proved the election was stolen. Bearis denied any fraudulent activity, but lost support when Blunders admited that he rigged the election by sneaking two extra votes into the box himself in support of Bearis. Oil City residents recognized the wisdom of Blunders in how he managed to prove that he rigged the election. They imediately made him Mayor. Bearis then drove off a cliff.... Now, Bearis is arguing that Mayor Blunders is proving to be unfit for the role of leading Venango. In an interview on the Moe Hogan podcast, Bearis stated that if she were mayor, she would have secured the northern border with higher grade weapons made from bamboo. Unfortunately, her bamboo garden is in Hasson Heights on the north side. Bearis was sleeping in one of the trees just before the evacuation siren went off. Blunders fitness to lead is a matter that criticism will not change at this time unfortunatley. Venango County is at war, and an election cannot take place until we have a real life presidential one to parody. Until then, Bearis will have to wait like every other member of the Hypocrite party. Right now, the Egocentric party is in office with Mayor Blunders in charge. Until the war reaches a conclusion, there is nothing she, or anyone else in the satiracle Venango Republic world can do to change the situation.

The recent mandate brought on by the state of Pennsylvania has several counties in west side devastated as they struggle to remember what handwriting even looks like. According to experts, handwriting has been a thing of the past ever since people moved on from paper. A sign of the struggle was revealed in a recent survey where members of major cities expressed their frustration over too much exposure to printed editions. One man managed to read an entire page of a magazine, which resulted in him swiping upward. Another man barely made it past the first sentence and immediately experienced major brain damage because he wasn’t holding his phone. With the exposure to print revealing how far gone western Pennsylvania is, people are wondering how on earth they will transition to the ancient concept of handwriting. Basic letters that we learned as children are foreign to the modern generation. Adults in their 20s can barely remember how to draw a simple A, let alone create the number 1. We here at the Venango Republic are self-declared experts in the realm of formulating written communication. For this reason, we have taken it upon ourselves to rate which counties will struggle the most and which ones will become the most successful in transitioning to academics that were abandoned generations ago. From the high, sophisticated lifestyles of Allegheny and Erie to the lowlifes of Jefferson and McKean, here are the Western Pennsylvania counties ranked from best to worst as it pertains to the transition to cursive writing. Allegheny Although people in this region think “yin" is a word, they are one of the few on this list that knows a world exists outside of Pennsylvania, let alone the western side of the state. This knowledge comes to them as a result of having professional sports teams that travel the country. Otherwise, they too would think Pennsylvania makes up the entire planet. Their advanced knowledge is advantageous to them in the challenge of learning cursive again. Erie The only thing Erie has to place them this high on the list is a county that borders Ohio, New York, and a great lake that makes it on world maps. This county is so sloppy, they became famous for a pizza that exploded. Their only hope for learning cursive is their knowledge that help exists outside of western Pennsylvania. Westmoreland We've never heard of this county. We just put it here because we have to include everyone on the west side of the state. They made it here for having a higher population. Congratulations on your population trophy! West Crawford Famous for being known only by everyone in West Crawford, West Crawford makes the list for having a Smuckers factory that produces Meow Mix. If not for their exports of this famous brand, they would not have money to invest in any education. This is their only hope for learning cursive. Beaver Beaver County arguably could be number one on the list if it wasn't for Pittsburgh having the Steelers. This county has the resources to produce their own paper thanks to their residents having extra sharp teeth. Despite living in the water most of their lives, the residents of Beaver County sometimes exit their dams and open up books they personally write themselves. They of course have to dry their fur before touching the paper, but they are very patient creatures. Washington Washington also could be a close second if it wasn't for the fact they mean nothing to the people in D.C. That's right Washington. Despite having a presidential name that relates to a time when cursive was the standard, you are no capital to the United States. For this reason, you are number 6. Cambria What the heck is a Cambria? We'll give you the 7 spot because making up fake words means you have the skill to learn fake letters. Blair Altoona, capital of Blair County, is known as the place that everyone outside knows of for some reason. In fact, every county in Pennsylvania has residents who have had some conversation with a person who went to Altoona despite the fact they have nothing worthwhile. They make the list for being a household name for no good reason. Indiana Indianapolis, capital of Indiana County, is famous for not existing. This is primarily because the city of Indianapolis is actually in the state of Indiana. Indiana County makes our list of hopeful cursive experts because they have a University. The only reason they aren't higher on the list is because all their students are partying at Wolfies instead of doing their homework. Look up Wolfies if you are confused. Armstrong We believe this county has potential with cursive because they have the arm strength to handle a pen. The only question remaining is if they have the brain power…. Probably not…. Mercer You have colleges, and you're not a party town like Indiana…. Why did we put you lower on the list????? Clearfield This county may find it difficult to hold a pen given that their fields are invisible. Think about it! You spend your entire existence observing molten lava 4 thousand miles beneath you, and now you're expected to cope well enough to write with a pen? These people are way too anxious with the thought of the Clearfield not actually being there! Lawrence We haven't heard of you either. Warren Eh…. You have oil…. At least you can make your own ink…. Clarion Another University. The difference is, yours is failing. You have about 2 years to learn cursive before your town has no young people to teach it to. Butler Your county is so doped up on illegal substances, I'd be surprised if you could handle a pen. But hey, you have that government agency beneath Iron Mountain employing half this side of the state…. Maybe you have potential…. Somerset You misspelled summer. That's why you are number 17. Forest You have all the trees needed to make your own paper but you never use it. That is why you fail! Venango This county makes number 19 on the list because they think nothing exists past the border of Clarion. Our platform has slowly tried to ease them into understanding the vastness of Western Pennsylvania. Unfortunately, they think we are mocking their intelligence with this truth. We technically are, but that's not the point. McKean Who the heck put this county in Pennsylvania? Jefferson There is no hope for you! Once a year, you worship a pest that you don't even permit to see it's own shadow. Your finely dressed groundhog fanatics shove a scroll in the animals face, pretend the animal has a choice, and decide for yourselves how long you want winter to last. All this because you're too lazy to bend over and place him in the lawn. Elk If you spent more time reading and less time shooting nature, you might learn how to write. These people can't hold a book because they have so much blood on their hands. Greene I've seen your cities. You have no green. Just a couple of pennies in a parking meter your officers lost the combination for. Fayette What the heck is a Fayette? At least Cambria tried to make up a word that would be pronounced. You make 24. There is no hope for you to learn cursive. East Crawford Look up Titusville. That should tell you everything. Bedford If Antarctica were a wasteland, you would be it.

It is a historic moment for Beaver and Elk County as both governments have officially agreed to ban hunters from crossing eachothers borders. This came after pressure from Venango County forced both presidents to make a peace treaty with each other. "It has been years of conflict between our regions." Says President Dambuilder of Beaver County. "The war has cost many lives on both sides of the equasion, and it was necessary to create a relationship that will avoid further conflict." By next week, President Bighorn of Elk County is expected to withdraw all hunters from the Beaver region. In exchange, both governments will release all prisoners from the local taxidermy's. "I just can't wait to see my bright friend Rhudolph." States an Elk who thinks his friend isn't stuffed. Tensions are expected to rise once every prisoner has been returned to their home county. Until then, each county will enjoy less than a week of no hunters in thier regions.

Mayor Dambuilder of Aliquippa, Capital of Beaver County, has reached a trade agreement with Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh, Capital of Allegheny County, over the lumber and metal plank resource bill. According to sources, months of negotiations finally came to an end when Mayor Dambuilder agreed to stop plugging up the Ohio River with fallen trees. Several dams constructed along the Ohio River have been credited by Mayor Steelhead as the cause of minor floods in Allegheny cities. "We were ready to cut ties with our trade agreement," states Mayor Steelhead. "We needed these woodchucks to stop building their homes along the river we share. Otherwise, we would stop sending them steel." Mayor Dambuilder was not offended by being called a woodchuck, despite it being a slur to his breed. "I understand he is frustrated," states Dambuilder, who oddly was munching on a piece of pine. "Normally that phrase would not stand with my beavers, but we have been using their steel to help solidify our water homes. That's probably where all the flooding is coming from." Beaver County has promised to use the steel sparingly and to halt production of dams until they can learn better techniques. In the meantime, trade will continue, with Allegheny providing steel and Beaver County trading fallen trees for Pittsburgh to keep the furnaces running.

The recent pizza explosion outside of the Downtown Mall in Meadville has raised several speculations as to who caused the incident. Sources say that several remnants of the detonation can be traced back to a pizza parlor on Peach Street in Erie. However, Mayor Paranoia of Erie has denied such claims. In a press briefing today, Mayor Paranoia told the press that he has way too much on his mind to come up with such a masterful plan. "I have high anxiety because of this eerie place I am working in." Mayor Paranoia told the press, as he oddly stared up at the ceiling. "I just want it to stop telling me what to do..." We have no idea who he is talking about.... Investigations are ongoing, but it seems that the pizza undoubtedly originated in Erie. The question is whether the device was created by county leaders, or just some weirdo named Marj.... We're just taking a shot in the dark.... Investigations are in the early stages. West Crawford is currently surrounded by only three counties, inclusive of Erie, East Crawford, and Mercer, with the other two counties having no history of pizza explosive devices. Erie is the most logical culprit, whether political or not. Erie is the capital of pizza explosive devices in Western Pennsylvania, making them a primary suspect. Mercer and Erie state that they will be fully cooperative with the investigation. However, because East Crawford is currently at war with Venango County, and West Crawford is offering military support, investigations in East Crawford are highly unlikely. It probably doesn’t help that West Crawford military members are currently throwing dog treats at East Crawford soldiers. You can guarantee they will not be allowed to investigate East Crawford after that recent interaction.

The odds have finally shifted closer to Venango County's favor now that the Clarion County Military has officially arrived. At about 1:25 Thursday, three Clarion troops sent by Mayor Intellect of Clarion marched down Seneca Hill into the heart of Oil City's south side. With the north side fallen into enemy hands, Venango defenses are barely holding at Veterans Bridge thanks to the intervention of West Crawford troops fortifying the road with Meow Mix. Fights escalated when half of the East Crawford troops attempted to cross the bridge with what seemed to be a purse on his side. The soldier reached inside the bag and began bombarding soldiers with snowballs mercilessly. The Meow Mix walls held up against the bombardment, giving West Crawford troops the ability to launch a counterattack by firing Puppy Chow at the attacking force. The Puppy Chow was much more of an annoyance to the East Crawford soldier, who retreated without visible injury. This, however, was not done before firing a spitball toward the right side of the fortifications. The spitball struck a horse that instantly died of COVID. Meanwhile, Clarion County troops attempted to secure Main Street across the Petroleum Street Bridge to block Crawford's access to Route 8. The operation was delayed when soldiers turned left on Petroleum Street and wound up in the parking lot at Northwest Bank. The company immediately recognized their error, asked for directions, and headed back to the bridge they were standing next to when they made the wrong turn. Current battle map While crossing the bridge, Clarion soldiers were met with a barrage of snowballs brought on by the other half of the East Crawford Military. The other guy laying siege to the town beat Clarion soldiers to Main Street and began attacking them. Military generals say that the bridge must not be destroyed if Oil City is to remain standing. Clarion soldiers bravely pressed forward using their textbooks as shields. While dragging a cart full of college textbooks behind them, the soldiers did not hesitate to fight fire with fire by launching complicated formulas in the direction of the enemy. With East Crawford's knowledge of higher education at an all-time low, hearing Clarion soldiers recite Newton's laws out loud was overwhelming to their mental capacity. The East Crawford soldier tried to defend against the Clarion advancement by switching to spitballs. Clarion successfully drove the enemy back to regain Main Street despite one of their soldiers taking a spitball to the arm. The soldier is fine despite his arm instantly dying of COVID. The brave soldier is being tended to by West Crawford military aides. Meanwhile, both sections of Oil City's south side are secure for the time being. The other members of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, otherwise known as PLATO, have learned of the recent attack and are sending as many soldiers as they can spare. Current PLATO members in blue Mercer has agreed to send an additional seven troops armed with whatever Mercer is known for. Forest County is sending aid from Marienville, capital of East Forest County. They will be armed with pine trees and acorns. Finally, Jefferson County has agreed to send one man who will serve no purpose whatsoever.... Typical of Jefferson.... The cost was high, with a horse dying and a Clarion soldier needing military aid. But the members of the PLATO treaty have finally all agreed to contribute as Venango waits on their soldiers return from the border on Route 8. Sources cannot confirm if the Venango military men are yet aware that East Crawford soldiers sneaked past them while they were asleep. Experts are just praying they will notice their roller skates missing.

For the most part, the Super Bowl halftime show is typically trash. Not for the fact that the performance put together is unimpressive, but simply for the fact that we see the same thing every year. An artist comes on stage with flashy lights, crowds of dancers on the field, and some combination of stage props that convert into multi-dimensional sceneries Despite being different each year, each performance has the same level of quality, leaving us unimpressed. The halftime show is not becoming bigger and better. It just remains big. And because it is the same level of big every year, we know what to expect. The only difference is, every single year, we see some type of different political statement being thrown in our faces, which makes it feel less like a performance and more like a Kathleen Kennedy Star Wars slop. For people leaning with a far-right bias, the TPUSA show was something many were curious about. Some were even so excited that they made up in their minds that it would be impressive before they knew what was coming their way. Way to be the objective party.... As promised, the show took place Sunday at the exact same time as the other one. However, unlike the NFL halftime show that goes for impressive theatrics with a highly liberal political message, the TPUSA show went extremely low budget with a highly conservative message. Why is it that we can't get a simple halftime show with no political message involved? I don't know. What I do know is that the TPUSA show was also a bunch of crap. Let's face it... They still went political pretending people like celebrities with a bias. I'm not calling you racist TPUSA. I'm just calling you a bunch of stubborn politically biased fools. You mean to tell me in your celebration of American pride, you couldn't get one black rapper? It all had to be country? "Oh, you're just a liberal accusing conservatives of racism." No, I'm a registered Republican who thinks my party's most idiotic mindset pertains to their unwillingness to appeal to certain audiences. You didn't even have to get a black guy! Just a white guy to show how rap doesn't have to be a stereotype. Just like the NFL didn't have to go all Hispanic this year to prove they aren't racist, you didn't have to go all white to prove being white isn't racist. It wouldn't have killed you to get one freaking rap artist on stage just to show you think they're cool. Furthermore, while dealing with the implication of Hispanic racism for ICE deportations, a south American LEGAL citizen would have shut down accusations that you're racist for deporting illegal immigrants. But hey, I guess conservatives have to prove being white isn't racist, so let's not even try to look for another ethnicity that might be in America legally. The TPUSA show was mild at best with performers all from the country genre. Apparently, TPUSA thinks every Republican only likes this genre. We don't believe in stereotyping all rap lovers as Democrats, so it makes sense not to include any rap music to appeal to those kinds of Republicans. There were no theatrical stage conversions, prop simulators, or dancing groups. Just some boring guy holding a guitar wishing he could fish and get drunk.... How conservative.... How did they do with ratings? Aparently they pulled in a few million, which only accounted for a minute fraction of the NFL viewership. Still, a few million is still a few million. But lets not exaggerate how impressive the show was.... I agree to the same extent that I think sheltering you as a child did you positive. It certainly didn't shatter that ego suppressing your objective outlook on life. By far?!?! You never watched the 93 Jackson performance? I don't even like Michael Jackson music and even I have to admit this holds up better than what the NFL has fed us the last 10 years! Political bias is obvious across the board. People want politics OUT of media completely. Nobody cares about your stupid uneducated opinions when you're singing songs about how hard you are to love. Just as Billie Elish was a thorn in your side at the Grammy Awards, you are just as much a thorn to the people who disagree with your views. You want to boost your ratings more next year? Maybe potentially compete with the NFL? Get some freaking theatrics! Don't just call it a celebration of America and reduce our vast culture to boring country singers. You're a Christian organization, so get some Christian artists who copy the theatrics of Timberlake and Swift. Those artists exist, and you went for boring acoustic sets. We aren't going to pretend your "rival halftime show" was good just because you made it family friendly and put a conservative twist to it. It was still amateur and offered nothing different than a Bill Gaither concert.... Google Bill Gaither if you're confused....

Authorities are investigating what appears to be an intentional attack on the Meadville downtown mall. According to sources, a strange pizza box was left outside the downtown mall at around 4:15 Wednesday afternoon, just prior to an explosion that left the area covered in cheese and pepperoni. West Crawford federal authorities are investigating the incident to determine whether the attack is internal or an inter-county attack. So far, they have no leads, with speculations about the melted cheese up in the air. Townsfolk are devastated by the incident, stating that the cleanliness of the mall is their favorite part about Meadville. Experts say that the cheesy mess could take days for cleanup crews to address. With the downtown mall being the center hub for trade and financial flow in West Crawford, authorities suspect that this may be the cause of a rival county. No one was hurt in the incident; however, at least three people reported that their shirts were stained by the pizza sauce as they were on their way home from work at PNC. Those victimized by the flying sauce state that their white button-ups were the highest end on the market and will cost several paychecks to replace. Rated "M" for Marinara As investigations continue into who caused the pizza explosion, Mayor Dogfood of Meadville states that West Crawford is officially at war. Speculation surrounding the incident varies, with Erie being the primary suspect. Mayor Dogfood states that he will offer aid to those impacted by the incident by providing a dish of Meow Mix to each victim courtesy of the Smucker’s factory. For the record, Smucker’s did not agree to this order.

We are not making this up. The Mall owner is so concerned customers won't come, he has banned pictures so no one can see the lack of stores inside.... How are you making money again????? Recently, a vlogger showed up to the mall in Cranberry, Pennsylvania. No, we are not talking about the Cranberry outside of Pittsburgh. We mean the Cranberry whose biggest cliche is a parking lot with neglected potholes. What was so funny about the man’s video? Apparently, a security guard inside the mall asked him to stop filming, because the owner doesn’t want people on the outside to know about the lack of stores within. Doesn't that scream Venango County logic? Let's address decline by covering it up and pretend everything is thriving..... Sounds just like your typical Oil City enthusiast. We genuinely thought this mindset was hilarious. Doesn’t the owner banning pictures speak to the lack of vision? How self-conscious do you have to be about the inside of your business that you have to tell people not to show others how bad it is on the inside?Obviously, he has no vision to revive the building. He’s just waiting for the day when the structure finally implodes on itself. Ironically, the owners shame of his decrepit business doesn't match his sign on the front door. This owner is so proud of Pensylvania, he won't let the public see his contribution to the state his business exists in. For that reason, we decided to risk our lives by entering the unstable structure to bring you the photos they do not want you to see. Note: the entire staff at the Venango Republic is completely fictional, making this venture safe if a brick from the ceiling were to fall on our heads. Please consult professionals before attempting to enter this sad excuse for a Mall. The first area we explored was exterior. Were we fearful of being caught? Get real! If they can't afford ceiling tiles, they obviously aren't going to invest in security cameras... Anyone driving by knows that the parking lot is pitiful. One of Venango County’s biggest clichés is the potholes that can swallow an entire bus. What also isn’t a secret is the fact that the east side of the Mall's parking lot is empty. This is one of the most humorous aspects about the external side that we have to cover. They’re so embarrassed by the inside, as if the outside doesn’t already give away the fact that they have nothing interesting in their building. The parking lot is so desolate, they neglect to plow most of it when it snows. What is plowed comes across as fortifications for the oncoming community backlash. By the way, do you remember that big community initiative to bring together craft vendors around the region for some sort of co-op? Well, the sign’s still up, despite the fact that there's no "co-op." So much for that idea..... We managed to get through the front doors past security. No, we are not talking about the out of shape Mall cops. We're talking about the unstable structure. If you are wondering if there are mysteries behind the walls of the Mall, we too are wondering why they felt like they had to cover this entrance up... Yes, there is an entire room in there. It was accessible five years ago. After snapping a few pictures, we saw a security guard, and realized we needed to go undercover. We didn’t want to get five pictures in and be forced to leave. So instead, we turned on our camera, hit record, and put our phone in the front pocket of our coat. Let's be real... Do you think this would have looked inconspicuous? The inside of this mall was a shock. I mean, we knew things were bad. But having not been inside since last summer, the current state was a complete surprise... No it wasn't..... Oddly enough, Maurices hasn’t left yet. What are you doing, Maurices? Escape before the roof falls on you! We’re not quite sure what the business is in the next picture. It looks like a massage parlor with no private rooms. That’s probably a good thing. If they're working this hard to hide the inside of the mall, you wouldn't want to know what's happening behind the curtains of this kind of business. Jones Party Magic is probably the only fun place to go in this Mall. What kid doesn't like a bouncy castle playground? You can tell their budget is tight by the fact that their sign looks like scrap paper that kids cut in Sunday school class. We are not the type to discourage people from going to a business. However, it does make us nervous that in the Mall's crumbling state, the best attraction they have to offer involves bouncy castles. We’re just not sure if the jumping is safe for the structure. We’ve spent years trying to find the fountain of youth. We still haven’t found it..... Finally, if you were curious what archeologist would find at the ruins of the Shoe Department, here ya go! We managed to capture images of the entire building. It was so bad, we spared the worst photos for the dignity of the owners who neglected this sad rubble. Also, we're lying. What we showed you is exactly how bad it looks. We made one final walk through snapping pictures to see if we could awaken the ferocious security guards. One yelled "Hey! You can't be filming without permission!" Too late.... As for the Mall owner, we have one simple solution for the embarrassment of this aweful looking building... DO SOMETHING! The vlogger quoted your security guy as saying that you "don't appreciate" what people have said online. Then fix it! Stop being like an Oil City enthusiast who acts like denying reality fixes the decline. It's not our problem if you're offended that we say your building looks like crap. If it looks garbage, acts like garbage, and exists like garbage, it is most likely garbage. That's probably why you should do something about it! Instead of paying Explore Nothing to troll our sentiments about the glory days, why don't you finally invest something in the building you let go to waste? Because we all know encouraging the community to imagine improvement gets the job done. Well done Explore Imagination!

Days have passed since the conflict between East Crawford and Venango escalated out of proportion. Since yesterday, Clarion County vowed to join the fight to help defend Venango against the treachery of Mayor Dumbdumb's military. As of yesterday, the soldiers who set out on Route 322 have not been heard from. That is, until now.... According to sources, the three military men sent by Mayor Intellect of Clarion County have resurfaced in Emlenton. The troops, who were set to arrive yesterday by 5 p.m., made a wrong turn and accidentally wound up in the wrong town. The troops have since doubled back to their original route, and sources say that they will be arriving in Venango by tonight. In the meantime, Meadville military members are on their own to help defend Venango County against the onslaught brought on by East Crawford's military. With Titusville being the largest industrial city this side of the state and a rival to oil cities' oilless industry, troops from West Crawford are significantly outgunned by the two military men sent by East Crawford. Experts say that, though they have the highest quality of Meow Mix and Puppy Chow, their forces cannot hope to stand against East Crawford for too long. The danger facing each militia are the advanced weapons East Crawford has recently developed. These weapons are unfamiliar to all of the counties making up the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, otherwise known as PLATO. East Crawford recently invented a new weapon called the snowball, which Venango County scientists have been trying to replicate for the last month. With no success, Venango County is still forced to depend on spitballs, muffin hand grenades, and Nerf guns they bought at a secondhand store. West Crawford military men arrived in Oil City today at 12 p.m. and are currently acting as reserves on the south side of Veterans Bridge. Early this morning, nine-year-old Timmy from the Venango County military had to abandon his defensive post to attend classes at 7th Street Elementary School. Sources say he will return to his post as soon as school lets out at 3 p.m. As for the Clarion County military, they still have several obstacles standing in their way, the biggest being the task of remembering to turn right when 322 crosses over 257 in Seneca. If they can remember that one detail, they should arrive in Oil City later this evening to hopefully help drive the East Crawford troops back to Titusville.