Unknown Prankster Pollutes French Creek With British Accent Serum
West Crawford, known as western Pennsylvania’s most romantic community, will no longer have the luxury of speaking in their eloquent French accents after an unknown assailant polluted the French Creek water supply.
The discovery was made at 8:15 this morning, when one of the town’s most charming personalities went to take a drink from the famous French Creek. After taking a sip, his French accent instantly turned into the repulsive British dialect, therefore making him significantly less attractive to the women in his town.
“I am so disgruntled by the sudden, unexpected alteration to my esteemed French accent,” states the man who recently changed his name to Chadwick Roosevelt. “I once was one that you might say wooed the ladies. Now I sound exactly like a professor from Oxford.”
What one might see as a harmless prank will now act as the most devastating change in Western Crawford culture. A community that prides itself on eloquent romance will now have to transition into an intellectual society. Many residents are choosing not to drink from the creek for fear that they’ll become smart. Unfortunately, the French accent only lasts a maximum of two days, giving residents a small window to enjoy their final romances before they fade away.
“We just finished constructing our monument to commemorate our French heritage,” states Mayor Dogfood of Meadville. “Now we have to tear it down and swap it with a monument reflective of our British bloodline.”
Mayor Dogfood is preparing to step down from his role as mayor if a solution cannot be found. Given that French Creek may permanently become British Creek, the county once known for its democratic leadership will slowly transition into a monarchy. Whether run by a Queen Elizabeth or a King Richard, no one truly knows. First, every resident of West Crawford must get rid of their French-sounding names to become English once again.
The transition is hard, with only the West Crawford Military truly having it easy. With most of it consisting of German shepherds, anything is better than their hideous, spit-filled grunts.
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