Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney Says He Can Get Word to Venango’s Front Lines

It has been several days since the conflict with East Crawford escalated to Oil City’s north side falling under siege. In that period, the biggest question haunting Venango County is whether or not their military will realize that they were surpassed while they were sleeping. Attempts to get word to the troops on the front lines have failed due to Route 8 being blocked by East Crawford’s military and their heavy spitball artillery. Since then, the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization has banded together to support Venango County in defending the cause of liberty for the Venango States of America.

The next most logical route to get to the troops on the front line is to go the long way on 227 through Forest County. Tionesta, capital of West Forest County, has had good relations with Venango County for several decades and would willingly allow Venango’s personnel to get word to their troops by that route. The only barrier standing in the way of Venango County would first be Titusville itself, which is heavily fortified. Secondly, Venango County would have to pass through their own town of Pleasantville, which frankly is repulsive in its own right. Pleasantville is so distasteful, in fact, that Venango County placed it on routes that must go through East Crawford and Forest for it to be reached, in an attempt to get it as far away from the rest of Venango County as possible.

With options limited and time running short, Venango County has found no plan they believe would be successful in reaching their military. Desperation has come upon the PLATO Treaty, and the only hope rests on anyone with the mind and resources that would be most effective in this situation.

In a press briefing today, the most unlikely candidate announced a plan that was genius enough to work. What was thought to be a useless county in the PLATO Treaty may turn out to be the most resourceful in the dilemma Venango County faces.

Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney, capital of Jefferson County, announced today that he would be willing to supply his men, who are experienced in burrowing their homes underground. With Jefferson County consisting of a population of groundhogs, the experience of digging beneath the earth makes them the perfect candidate in surpassing the East Crawford military by way of tunnels.

Mayor Blunders of Oil City, and self-declared President of Venango County, has enthusiastically expressed his excitement for the genius nature of Mayor Phil’s plan. It seems Venango County has hope after all with the mutated humans that have been given genetic groundhog digging capabilities. Now, it seems, Venango County has an advantage that can only be foiled if something dumb were to happen, such as the media leaking this information. Oh dear.