You know him as Bob, the ice boom, tasked with keeping the waters of the Allegheny safe from overflow. Roughly four weeks ago, the flotation device chose to abandon his post by flowing down the river, away from his fellow ice boomers. Little did he expect that while sleeping on the embankment at the edge of the river, reporters would cite him, taking pictures to be shared everywhere online. Picture that surfaced showing Bob sleeping next to Route 8 outside of Oil City. Today, Bob stood trial for what many believed to be the cause of the ice suddenly giving way and flowing controllably down the river. With several minor floods along the Allegheny reported to have brought damages that western Pennsylvania has not seen since last year, Bob is now facing potential felony charges. Introducing our famous ice boon to the court is the notorious Jake Horking Kake, who generally loses every single case. With no attorney in the region willing to represent an inanimate object, Horking Kake decided to take the responsibility because no one wants him to represent them either. AI wouldn't let them face the judge.... Just pretend this is how they sit in court.... In the magisterial court of Judge Beagle, the two rejects pled their case, suggesting that the oversized ice boom deserves reparations for what they called "unjustified enslavement" in the Allegheny River. According to Horking Kake, being restricted to the task of keeping ice from building up is a violation of Bob the ice boom's rights as a citizen of Venango County. The prosecution showed no mercy in their attempt to paint Bob the ice boom as an enemy of society. Attorney Bilbo Vaseline Beggins argued that the flotation device's motives were obviously more ill-focused than to simply be free from his task. Vaseline Beggins argued that the timing of his escape along with the ice suggests the chaos was his end goal. Vaseline Beggins watches in horror as Horking Kake applies his product type Horking Kake retaliated before Judge Beagle, stating that the ice breakage was the only opportunity that the enslaved ice boom could make an escape without being judged. Unfortunately, surfacing on land at the most inopportune time has brought him wide defamation that Horking Kake suggests is unfair. Judge Beagle heard both opposing arguments, but refused to make a ruling because court systems have to work slowly. A trial has been scheduled for next week, where the representatives can gather to decide how they can extend this matter for another six months. If parties fail to produce a good enough reason to extend proceedings for the next six months, Beagle will consider it a reason for a follow-up meeting to discuss how to extend the matter for another six months. This will continue until either they decide on a six-month plan, or until the six months has finally passed.

The invasion of Venango County has been advantageous for Titusville and their space program. TASA has officially announced plans to launch a satellite into space with the strongest material their county can afford. The news hit the media shortly after Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville, and self declared president of East Crawford, signed an executive order to increase the space program budget by three dollars. TASA did not hesitate to hold meetings on where they would invest the budget increase. Discussions ranged from stocking up on toilet paper rolls used for atmospheric pressure, to bread bag ties that would serve no logical purpose. Eventually, they agreed on a cardboard satellite. The date of launch has not been set since nobody can figure out how they will keep the satellite in the air. While it seems logical to just swing a rope around a branch and pull it to a higher altitude, Mayor Dumbdumb says he does not want it to receive any help to stay in orbit.... Good luck with that Dumbdumb..... Meanwhile, Venango County is planning their next military move against the East Crawford militia. So far, East Crawford has laid siege to at least fifty cents worth of land, which makes up the entire northern portion of Venango County. Mayor Blunders states that he is secretly planning to attack at night, which is no longer a secret since we have revealed it to the public. Now, he is forced to attack during the day, which is no longer a secret....

Let's face it! Franklin has become a dumping ground for water fumes generated by electrical shock. Thankfully, air quality is about to become less electrically vaporized after City Council approved an ordinance to keep incoming businesses outside of their bubble. According to sources, a new thousand foot rule is being implemented, requiring new vape shops to stay a thousand feet away from everyone who thinks they are better for not smoking. "We were initially going to apply this to electronic devices emitting vaporized water with juicy flavors." States Mrs. Smokebomb. "Unfortunately, a Vicks VapoRub salesman had to change plans on where he is opening his business because his name matches the criteria." Public opinion is divided between vape enthusiasts and those who never smelled it being exhaled from a friend. "I am a reformed smoker turned vape." Says the reformed smoker turned vape. "I live next to Franklin Elementary and now am expected to walk that distance. My lungs aren't what they were before getting addicted two years ago!" Weak lung people are protesting to the best of their ability, holding up signs with as much strength as their compromised immune systems can handle. While many are genuinely fearful of being chased away due to their scorched windpipes, they feel strongly that the injustice of these ordinances deserve being challenged. Vape enthusiasts fighting for their rights! "Just because our breath is half the efficiency of a fish does not mean we won't triumph!" States the president of the Pro Smoke and Vape Society. "Huff... wheeze... huff...." After helping the president of the Pro Smoke and Vape Society into his chair, we jogged efficiently across town to hear from the president of Anti Smokers and Vapers. "One second while I put down this 5 ton dumbbell...." He stated while running full speed on his treadmill. "That's better... Now, would anyone like a six pack from my six pack?" His muscles were so defined, he could literally carry a beer case in each one. We did not bother to ask the president anything since he clearly has the physical superiority in the debate. The war between vape enthusiasts and anti vape people will likely result in minor conflicts in the coming weeks. With tensions rising, and instantly slowing down to catch a breath, it is unclear how long the cycle will continue. Experts believe that while the drained energy offers hope, the nicotine will make coming back irresistible.

Titusville — Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville has finally announced his intent behind the invasion of Venango County. In a press briefing this morning, Dumbdumb revealed to the Crawford Carnage his objective in overthrowing the Venango Aeronautics and Space Administration, otherwise known as VASA. After a year of disputing with Mayor Blunders of Oil City, Dumbdumb felt that it was time to show his might by sending two military men past the border patrol to overtake Oil City. The result of the invasion has been an all-out county war with only a dead horse to report as a casualty. Two of Dumbdumb’s top military men have searched the north side of Oil City thoroughly, but could not seem to find the VASA research facility before Venango drove them out of town. To be honest, it's probably because they don't know how to read. Titusville military searching Oil City 4 weeks ago When addressing the press today, Dumbdumb declared that only Titusville’s space program, known as TASA, can reign supreme in the contest of space travel. East Crawford states that they are already working on a rocket that can launch 25 feet into the air, which will exceed last year’s model by 15 feet. Dumbdumb’s frustration is that if the Venango County moon landing was not faked, then they have exceeded that height by at least 30 feet. Dumbdumb’s objective is to ensure that Venango County does not make it to space again. This is why the invasion took place, and why the northern portion of the county is now considered New East Crawford. While Mayor Blunders could end this war by promising not to do space travel anymore, he has chosen to remain silent by pretending to be a rock. Politicians have pleaded with him to let VASA go, but chances are, he won't speak unless he's hit with a hammer and chisel.

The invasion of northern Venango County has impacted the politics of Mayor Blunders’ attempt to progress the county in a new direction. Several initiatives put forth by Mayor Blunders last year are now on hold because of the war between the counties. This is not to say that they weren't on hold already, given that the county budget is approximately two cents. The war, however, has most definitely made it impossible for President Blunders to invest those two pennies in anything. Among the challenges facing Mayor Blunders of Oil City is the need to freeze funding for his county entity known as Glacier. Glacier is the organization that Mayor Blunders created for the deportation of undocumented Chihuahuas, which he asserts have illegally crossed the border from Butler County. Mayor Blunders doesn't like Butler County, stating that their highly sophisticated lifestyle and their elegant service to other people makes them no more superior than Venango County. Blunders even suggests that being a butler or a maid is no reason to deport your most obnoxious, high-pitched animals to a neighboring county. The Venango Republic would like to offer the disclaimer that Mayor Blunders has never actually been to Butler County. Hence why he thinks everyone there is a butler and not a drug addict. Consequently, Blunders signed an executive order more than half a year ago to erect a border wall along the southern portion of Venango County. So far, he has barely been able to afford a six-foot two-by-four that is currently laying on the ground near Barkeyville. Butler Chihuahuas initially struggled to get over it, but after about two seconds figured out that they could either climb over or walk around the object. Elderly grandmothers in Venango County have been forced to part with their Chihuahuas under the new executive order by President Blunders. Many residents across the Venango States of America say that they have owned their Chihuahuas for years and that they had no prior association with the county of Butler. Nonetheless, Blunders states that if the Chihuahuas are undocumented, they must go. The controversy of Blunders trying to deport undocumented Chihuahuas has increased his disapproval rating, which already was at an all-time high. No one can quite understand why Mayor Blunders keeps getting elected after 30 years of stupidity, but now it has reached the ultimate point of controversy. Now the only thing keeping him from being impeached is the Venango Republic’s desire to keep this storyline going. When the war ends, the Chihuahuas will go, because the Venango Republic says so.

A man and woman are facing charges after climbing a tower as if it were their last chance at recognition. According to sources, Mr. Inever Rest and Mrs. Scraper Hanger were observed attempting to scale the Pittsburgh-famous “Gulf Tower” with no apparent common sense. “We really just wanted to do something dumb,” says Mr. Rest. “I was hoping that by climbing this, they would arrest me so I could never climb a real mountain again.” The two trespassers were extremely fortunate. Instead of landing on pavement, they will land in jail. The Gulf Tower, which Trib Media cited as having a 40-year run as the largest in Pennsylvania, hasn’t grown an inch since the day Philadelphia took that claim away from Pittsburgh… tough luck… As for the man and woman who made the climb, they state that the next goal will be to scale the prison walls. If successful, they will then try to find another tower to land them in jail again. For full context on the situation inspiring this story, click here .

Investigation into the recent pizza explosions have West Crawford military taking forceful measures to put an end to the Pizza Cartel. According to fictional sources, the West Crawford military entered into Erie late this evening to take control of the city. Mayor Dogfood of Meadville states that this is not an exercise of power against the Nation of Erie County. He just wants to ensure his Puppy Chow doesn't get mixed with sauce. The Erie County Bureau of Investigation says that they have been trying to put an end to Margarette Diesel Myarmsweak and her operations. Myarmsweak is the crime boss taking credit for the pizza detonations that have left communities with stained shirts. A report states that Mercer Agents were close to catching her, but failed to cuff her due to their low budget. Mayor Paranoia of Erie states that he will fully cooperate with the investigations of other counties because he hates conflict. Oddly, last year he told the press that he would cooperate with the Pizza Cartel for the same reason. Erie Mayor stuck between a dog and a mob place At this point, ending the Pizza Cartel will be a matter of which side can put the most pressure on Paranoia to cooperate. Mercer and West Crawford feds are determined to forcefully take over Erie if nothing is done about the pizza bombs. Meanwhile, the Pizza Cartel has insight about the inner workings of Erie politics that outside counties may not be aware of. Such intel includes escape routes to a mythical land called New York State.

Last year, an initiative was put forth to create community interest on social media with a group called "What's Happening in Pithole." The page instantly went viral by local standards with a following exceeding their population. Nonetheless, the community has not done much with the page. So far, in the first year, the page only has approximately three posts with no information on anything happening in the town. Mayor Isolation of Pithole expressed his disappointment in community efforts to get involved. "I was hoping that by making this page, everyone would be emboldened to show the diverse aspects of this fine city," states Mayor Isolation. "Unfortunately, nobody is taking advantage of the sources available to say what organizations, historical landmarks, and public events are happening right now." From outside observers, it seems that nothing really is happening in the city of Pithole. Some would argue that this is because nothing is happening in Pithole. The mayor however, states that he does not believe this is the case. "We just need the community to come out of the woodwork," he says. We don't know what woodwork he's talking about, since the buildings were torn down in the 1800s. Nonetheless, we will not bash him considering he does not have any company other than talking to trees.

Significant ground has been lost as a result of the recent invasion of Venango County. Military personnel are scattered between Cranberry and Franklin with three armies struggling to combat East Crawford’s military of two men. The German shepherd fighting force armed with Meow Mix is pinned down in the potholes outside of the Cranberry Mall. Sources say there are at least five personnel in this group sent by the West Crawford military struggling to prevent advances by East Crawford. West Crawford German shepherd brigade Meanwhile, Oil City is close to combining forces with West Crawford at the Cranberry Mall. The only thing standing between them is the single soldier sent by East Crawford armed with spitballs and muffin hand grenades. The potholes outside the mall serve several purposes between acting as trenches for military serving the county and acting as pits for enemies to fall into. Last year, East Crawford’s invasion resulted in retreat when one of their soldiers was lost to a pothole. They occasionally toss crackers inside in case he is still breathing. In Franklin, Pennsylvania, the military of Clarion County has folded like a cheap university textbook. The three men sent by Clarion for the defense of Venango County have chosen to spend more time reading than launching projectiles at the enemies. Consequently, nobody in the groups seems to have any clue what direction they are heading. When instructed to draw the enemy to Rockland, they continued straight down the four lanes into Franklin. When instructed to turn left and draw the enemy back toward Seneca, they turned right and drew the enemy right into the business district. Consequently, half of Franklin is now compromised because the three university students, who are supposed to be intellectually superior to Venango residents, have no idea how to decipher their right from their left. In other news, we have recently learned that these three may not even graduate because they are the bottom of their class. This probably suggests that Mayor Intellect of Clarion probably sent them as a joke… thanks a lot! Clarion military doing nothing to protect us County War 1 is failing for the Allies. Venango County is losing ground quickly. Meanwhile, Mercer still hasn’t come to the aid of anyone, making this treaty between the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization a complete piece of garbage.

A Polk man is facing charges after public intoxication brought on by his obsession for donuts. According to reports sent to us by fictional police officers, Mr. Wilfred Donuteater, age 37, weight 764 pounds, was seen on Liberty Street in dysphoria as he shoved countless chocolate pastries down his eatery. Sources state that police arrived to the scene at 7:06 a.m., where they found Donuteater in a haze as he sat crushing the hood of someone's car. Attempts to remove him from the area were unsuccessful as the officers struggled not to be captivated by the donuts themselves. Although this is an old stereotype, we're still going to use it. After more than an hour of resisting the urge to indulge in Donuteater's collection of pastries, officers called in a dentist to provoke Donuteater to relocate to the police car. The threat of breaking his teeth with a sledge hammer seemd to do the trick, especialy after Dr. Tooth Decay slammed it against his jaw. Donuteater was unable to fit in the police vehicle and was therefore strapped to the roof for transportation. Donuteater is facing five counts of possession of a legal substance, which includes a can of whipped cream, three packets of Sweet'N Low, caffeinated coffee, and 44 donuts, which are being tested for sugar. If convicted, Donuteater may face as much as seven years outside of the county jail. They would put him in, but he will not fit through the doorway.

We all understand that cats are just kiss-ups who want food. They purr, rub up against you, and then eat your face when you die. Because of their cute persona, it is natural to grieve the death of one. Ironically, the house centipede is one people kill without conviction, despite the fact that it will not feed on your corpse if you pass away. It is clear that despite the love and affection humans show to cats, they do not appreciate us enough to not eat our faces when we die. For this reason, the Venango Republic has not hired any cats on our fictional staff because we observe them as complete hypocrites manipulating people for selfish gain. Much of the public will probably take offense to this article. This is exactly what we hope to achieve. Because the selfish felines have brainwashed their owners to be pushovers for ingenuine cuteness, here are 5 Chinese recipes you can make right now. Pork Lo Mein The staff at the Venango Republic loves lo mein. The addition of pork makes it that much better. Sweet and Sour Chicken What makes this recipe great is when the chicken is freshly made right off the chopping block, not just bought from the store. Shrimp Egg Rolls Shrimp is typically an Australian favorite, but worth trying in a Chinese recipe. Peking Duck The duck has been plucked, beaten, and burned to ensure you will not get pecked. Yellow Eel with Fried Rice Sea creatures are a unique way to branch out on your preferred diet. Combine that with the delicious blend of fried rice and your choice of meat to go with it. Conclusion Cats are incredibly selfish creatures who don't care for people. They sit, ignore your instruction, bite your feet at night, and knock your jars off shelves they aren't supposed to be climbing on. Killing cats is wrong because only they can eat us. Be sure that when you suffocate, you cover your face with a pillow—especially when a cat is standing between you and the door. This will ensure your face will be whole for your funeral.

BEAVER COUNTY, Pa. — Recent air quality concerns have Beaver County residents speculating that their local Shell Cracker plant is not actually producing Cheez-Its. According to sources, the plant, which opened up in 2022, has been the subject of controversy ever since the air quality was no longer safe for beavers. A new report found that the plant is closely associated with a gas station utilizing the same name. Residents of the Beaver County community became suspicious the same day the plant opened, noting that oxygen now came with a warning label. The company seems to stand by the notion that their plant specializes in snack foods. When visiting the site, our staff from the Venango Republic was asked if we would care to accept or reject their online cookies. Realizing that the air quality of Beaver County is now unfathomably sickening, we chose to reject them. If the plant reeks this much, the product can’t be that good either. Experts have suggested that perhaps the fumes emanating from the factory come from using rotten shells to flavor their crackers. Microwaved fish has been known to kill people instantly in an office setting. Perhaps the Shell company should consider cutting back on sea-related flavors. Mayor Dambuilder of Aliquippa, capital of Beaver County, has announced plans to conduct a full investigation into the inner workings of the Shell Cracker plant. Despite Beaver County residents being accustomed to fish smells from living in riverbeds, even the rodents of the community consider the plant unbearable. Mayor Dambuilder visits Shell Cracker plant to discuss recent air quality concerns If it is discovered that the cracker-making factory is infusing their snack foods with illegal sea shells, they may be subject to a change in production. Options may include plastic containers, which only stink to the same extent when mass-produced in a factory.