Erie Residents Struck with Pizza Dough: Pizza Cartel Investigated

Another incident involving pizza attacks has resulted in five residents being hospitalized for their over-dramatized reactions. According to reports by the Erie Horror, a drive-by dough slap resulted in several locals being hit in the face with pizza dough roll-ups.

The pizza cartel has not taken credit for the recent tossing. However, investigators state that the method of attack points to one Margarette Diesel Myarmsweak, who heads the pizza cartel in Erie. Myarmsweak's pattern of vicious pizza altercations has led authorities to believe that she is the only one daring enough to be this stupid.

Authorities say that the particular method of tossing uncooked pizza dough at citizens is slightly different from the pizza explosives used by the cartel in the past. Nonetheless, the brand of dough found at the scene of the crime matches what was used in every detonation linked to the cartel.

Margarette Diesel Myarmsweak has not addressed the press regarding the recent drive-by pizza attack. Due to her history of rambling uncontrollably in a manner that resembles a nonsensical madwoman, reporters say that they are relieved not to have to take a statement from her.

The victims of the drive-by pizza tossing are currently in remission. Experts say that had they been slapped by a tortilla, they would have been twice as shaken by the traumatic experience. Fortunately, they came away with no injuries because pizza dough is incredibly soft.