Wintergreen Cemetery Adds New Feathered Resident

A goose native to Erie became the victim of a hit and run this week, causing the community to lose their shoot.

According to sources in the flightless bird community, Arnold Quack of Erie was tending to his duty as an existing goose in the Wintergreen Gorge Cemetery, a public attraction with lifeless human exhibits. While attempting to cross the road, Mr. Quack suddenly joined the lifeless human exhibits when he was run down by a vehicle, officially ending his life.

Authorities say they are clueless as to what motivated the killing of Mr. Quack. So far, the only evidence is a lifeless bird sitting on the pavement in the Wintergreen Cemetery. Investigations are ongoing with the lack of progress hinting as to why nobody ever bothers to ask, "Why did the goose cross the road?"

With social media now in an uproar, pressure is on for police to determine who hit the feather weight. DNA tests are being performed on all cars in a five mile radius to determine if any goose droppings made it onto a vehicle. So far, they have only discovered damaged cars with remnants of deer, possums, raccoons, dogs, and cats. No charges are being pressed since nobody seems to give a crap.

Meanwhile, the goose killer is on the loose. Locals are being asked to keep their geese away from the cemetery until further notice.