Will Pizza Hut Closing Make Room for Another Craft Store? (Opinion)

The Venango Republic has followed the trend of local craft vendors for years. Since 2018, the local community has seen a mass overhaul of useless craft stores that move into locations once possessed by stores that serve a purpose. Unsurprisingly, these craft stores die quickly when the owners soon realize nobody wants their stuff.

Oddly enough, despite there being a billion failed attempts to introduce craft vendors in the Cranberry Mall, locals can't take a hint that nobody wants a homade tshirt made from Eskimo fur and dried up macaroni. Statistics show that there have been on average 10 attempts per month to open craft stores in the three most populated regions of the county. Between Cranberry, Oil City, and Franklin, only six have managed to last more than a week. These 6 businesses report that it is the same old woman keeping them in business because she is "the only rich woman in the county with a hoarder mentality." The Venango Republic tried to identify this woman but she died this morning for the convenience of this article.

Local experts are trying to figure out why these stores are suffering from the inability to succeed. According to a study from the only smart guy in the county (often referred to as the village intelect), "nobody shops at Martha's Pig Skinned Panties for the same reasons they didn't shop at Bonton when it was in the Mall. Brick and mortar is a thing of the past."

You would think this would have to do with the growth in online shopping trends. Not so. A recent survey found that 99.8% of people in the county don't know what internet is and that all of them still use rotary phones.

"The real issue is that people cannot keep up with the financial demands of renting space for a store" stated Mayor Blunder. "The city only has a budget of 25 dollars and it's been three years since we misplaced the coffee container we keep it in." Just based on this information, you can imagine why local businesses owners also struggle to afford space for their craft stores.

Another issue is transportation. A recent study found that 82% of local residents don't have money for gas to get to the store. Martha Jazzyjazz states that she gets to work in an old run down jeep that her husband removed the floor from. This way she can run the car to work like Fred Flinstone. Jazzyjazz also states she had a craftstore last year where she tried to sell winter hats made of chicken feathers. She made a down-payment of 3 dollars out of her life savings. After 4 days and only her 3 year old son as a customer, she flew the coop.

Despite the local poverty and economic challenges that local businesses are facing, we are finding these craft vendors won't give up. Tourism is at an all time low and even the locals can't afford to make it to the store. This should send an obvious message to the local community regarding craft stores once occupied by a Blockbuster movie rental company. If you build it, THEY WON'T COME! Despite this publication, 5 more craft stores have just opened up in downtown Franklin. And just as I edited this article and republished it, 5 more have closed. GEE PEOPLE! CAN'T I CATCH A BREAK?!?!?!