What You Missed at Bridge Fest
Bridgefest took place this past weekend on Veterans Bridge in Oil City with a massive turnout reported Friday and Saturday evening. As the number one satiracle news source in the region, the Venango Republic wanted to beat the local media to the punch by reporting on something every other outlet would fail to cover, which is exactly why we chose to attend when all the big attractions were closed. By choosing the least interesting time to attend Bridgefest, we were able to catch details that the other major news outlets were surely to ignore.
It was a scorching 224 degrees outside with a slight breese making it feel like 74 degrees. Our lead journalist, Jeremy Jetfuel, counted 13 pebbles on the ground. The attendance was so low at this point, the bordom could be seen on the faces of these men whose faces we blurred for thier confidentiality.
Event coordinators enforced ethics with a sign warning all beer drinkers not to cross a line. We aren't sure if this sign is talking to people who bought their beer on the bridge or those who bought it off the bridge.... Like seriously..... Are you telling me not to bring my own beer or not to take the beer I buy home with me????? It's very confusing.......
Whatever the case, those who ignore the sign are sure face several years of prison time or at least be told "Hey! Can't you read?" We aren't quite sure how the consequence will come since nobody was standing by to enforce the sign. But you line crossers are surely going to pay somehow!
The first attraction behind the stage on Veterans Bridge featured a staircase leading to absolutley nothing.
Visitors could climb these stairs, take one step too many, and enjoy the thrill off falling face first onto the concrete behind the barrier. The attraction also featured a sketchy looking van which mimics what kidnappers shove unsuspecting victims into.
Attendees got to enjoy the thrill of bringing their lawnchairs onto the street, which on any other day, would result in them getting hit by a car.
People could also pay $10 to have their faces drawn. Somehow, in an age where people stare at their phones every ten seconds, this guy still manages to sketch your chin with pinpoint accuracy.
The standout feature of Bridgefest was the overwhelming presence of alcohol vendors. We counted at least ten, not including the guy in a Halloween mask who might have just been lost.
Aside from a couple craft booths, a sketch artist, and some other interesting attractions, the majority of stops revolved around booze. This is not an issue by any means seeing that an antoxicating beverage is the perfect choice for a celebration suspended 100 feet above a river. We're just saying, with the variety in alcohol choices they could’ve easily called this event Beerfest.
The evening featured live music and entertainment we were not present for because we suck at taking news seriously. We left just before the festivies became interesting making our article a horrible example of what truly went on. You're welcome.
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