Northwestern Pensylvania's Famous Crime Families

Unlike the days when Al Capone reigned in the streets of Chicago, petty crimes have not ceased in the last century. With mafia members ruling the blocks of New York City, the much less famous families of north western Pennsylvania’s isolated communities get away with minor violations that are often overlooked. From spitting off bridges, to unpaid parking fines, to leaving gum underneath tables, the families living on the edge of boredom make their presence known in the most despicable ways.

What must be known about these “mafia” families is that they mean what they say. When you get a tip that you are going to be “whacked,” you can be sure that they are coming for you. The last person who ignored this warning was eventually hit with a fly swatter.

Be warned: these families are out in full force, have existing feuds between them, and will make you pay if you dare to cross them. Here are the five crime families of western Pennsylvania.

The Gamblingcasino Family

Their faces weren't winners

Currently run by the infamous Amish community leader, Jon Got Ye, the Gamblingcasino family is famous for shoplifting $5 scratch off tickets from gas stations run by former tech support specialists. Police are often delayed in responding to the families theft cases mainly because, during distress calls, they can't understand the gas station managers Indian accents. It's especially ironic that some of these gas stations are litterally called "UK." If you don't get it, visit Clarion sometime...

The Gamblingcasino family rose in the rank of petty crimes after they could no longer afford to drive to the casinos in Erie. With rough names like Sammy the Calf, Little Saul (not quite Big Paul... still waiting on the "road to Damascus" experience....), Niel (Tall when standing), and Quack Quack Goose, this Clarion based crime family has terrorized the region with their love for rigged bingo halls.

The Genevieve Family

Their words hurt worse than their darts

The Genevieve family is famous for avoiding the spotlight. Instead of putting themselves in the eye of the media, their secretive opperations of petty gossip has placed the spotlight on other innocent victims. Named after several great grandmothers of the modern Karen, the Genevieve family sparks controversy by whispering wild ideas around church gatherings. They then sit back and allow the church wives to take it from there.

Famous mob members include Unlucky, Don Vetobill, Three-Finger Turd, Amateur-Sized Tony, Karen Dillpickle, and the Prime Minister of the Under Butler.

The Lunchandcheese Family

We think they come from Green Bay

A much more sophisticated group among the mafia crime families is the Lunchandcheese group. With Meadville being the deli capital of the known world, it only makes sense that the Lunchandcheese mafia has monopolized the entire industry in their section of north western Pensylvania's metropolis. Nothing frustrates deli owners more than knowing that a portion of their business is owned by this crime racket. You can be sure that every time there's an order, the Lunchandcheese family gets part of the cut.

Famous names include the youngest child from Bonanza, Little Vic's Vapo Rub, Wonder Woman, and Gas Valve.

The Bananna Family

Those Banannas fire.... GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

A perfect fit for Oil City, the Bananna family is always slipping up in their endeaor to accomplish their goals. Known for their attempted agression, mob members can only throw punches that land as hard as being hit in the face with bananna bread. Their biggest heist was instantly foiled when an attempt to rob the local bank resulted in them breaking into the County Prison instead. The judge cut their sentence in half since they helped lock the cell behind them, and frankly... because they aren't that much of a concern....

The crime family did come close to taking over the city believing it could result in insurmountable wealth. Instead, they plunged Oil City into twice the debt than what was caused by all the mayors in the 30 years before them. City officials imediately took the town back when they saw the family couldn't do the job.

Famous names include Joe Cartrite as a Big Guy, Rusty Cause He's Bananna's, Ben Squinting Cause I'm Rusty, Libido, and Sally Fruitcake 🤢🤢🤮🤮

The Columbia Family

Police are close to proving that they deal sugar highs

Finally, the columbia family is the most wreckless on this list. Where other families do everything necessary to keep a low profile, the Columbia family can't keep quiet enough to avoid making headlines. Much of this is probably due to their love for caffeinated coffee. No sleep, always hyper, and always irritable. Even when attempting armed robbery, they are the ones who wind up getting mugged.

Based in Titusville Pensylvania, the members of this mob family land themselves in jail immediately after getting out of prison. They pride themselves as a "high-class" organization. When gathering to discuss top secret plots, they meet at the local diner and argue loudly over who picked up the tip last time. None of them ever do....

Top gang names infamously known from this laughing stock are figures like the Worm, Andy "MUSH! MUSH!" (he's a part time husky), the Grim Reap What He Sows, and Detective Lazy Eye.