Washington County Lays Siege to South Park Township
Washington County has officially moved into Allegheny territory, laying siege to the industrial city of South Park Township. Residents are now in a state of emergency, being forced to live under the oppression of musket-weilding weirdos. To make matters worse, they have reportedly killed Kenny.
The event took place at around 9 o'clock Wednesday evening, when several soldiers, all of whom are named George Washington, marched onto the city, taking possession of major roadways such as Library Road, Brownsville Road, and Cochrans Mill Road.
Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh has ordered the mobilization of his armies in the southern territories of Allegheny County. With Washington determined to regain its rights to Mount Washington, Mayor Steelhead states that it is vital to the security of his nation that they secure the border of South Park and drive Washington's troops from their lands.
Experts state that this is the opportune time for Washington County to move into Allegheny territory. Much of the Allegheny military has recently landed in Lawrence County in what Mayor Steelhead calls "Operation West Pittsburg."
Several months ago, Steelhead noted that Lawrence County has a West Pittsburg just south of New Castle, the capital of Lawrence County. Despite the allegations that Lawrence County stole Allegheny's western half of its largest city, Sir Lawrence of New Castle continually insists that the West Pittsburg south of New Castle originated in his region.
Allegheny's demand for West Pittsburg has now led Washington County to threaten the security of Allegheny as a nation through military force in order to regain Mount Washington from Pittsburgh. In the eyes of Mayor George Washington of Washington County, Mayor Steelhead's demand for West Pittsburg is an act of hypocrisy because of his unwillingness to surrender Mount Washington to the nation of Washington County.
Today, Washington County's threat to invade Allegheny has been fulfilled, with South Park now in the hands of Washington County troops. The question remains whether Allegheny has the military might to deter the enemy forces from continuing their objective. Experts say that this is more than likely, since everyone of Pittsburgh descent is literally made of steel.
Despite the impenetrable nature of Allegheny soldiers, there is no doubt that Washington's troops will still attempt to press forward. Armed with muskets tipped with iron bayonets, their intent is to charge, striking fear into the hearts of soldiers made of a stronger metal. With failure literally being the only option, Washington County is what experts best describe as insane.
Meanwhile, on the east side, Mayor Rebel of Westmoreland County states that he is available to support Allegheny with whatever means are necessary. Mayor Steelhead has rejected this offer, since Westmoreland's only reason for supporting Allegheny is the hope of taking more land west of its county. In a press briefing today, Steelhead called out Mayor Rebel, accusing him of trying to use trickery to measure borders that will later be moved for expansion. Steelhead did not stop with this accusation, but also asserted that because every soldier for the Whiskey Rebellion is made of glass bottles, they will break during the first second of engagement with Washington County.
Mayor George Washington of Washington Township, capital of Washington County, addressed the press today, telling reporters that his reason for capturing South Park was due to its historical significance in the Whiskey Rebellion. Washington states that if Mayor Rebel wishes to become an ally to the nation of Washington County, he can assure him more land, as he has desired, since the beginning of his county's establishment.
Mayor Rebel was unable to respond to Washington's offer. Having a face made of a whiskey bottle means that Mayor Rebel is always drunk when his bottle is filled. Additionally, he doesn't have a mouth, making it impossible to know what he is saying.
What we do know about Westmoreland is that they have a history of trying to take Allegheny land secretly. If not for the wit of Mayor Steelhead, the border of Allegheny would be much smaller. Fortunately, the Whiskey Rebellion says they are not willing to risk their bottlenecks over an invasion that can be accomplished slowly. Instead, Washington is doing all the work for them.
The battle is ongoing with no shots officially fired at this time. Reports state that Washington troops are already facing a new challenge with trying to figure out who is who. Otherwise, the Venango Republic can safely say that Washington County has successfully confused itself before confusing the enemy.
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