War Between the Townships Showing Progress as General Cant Successfully Moves Troops Toward Cranberry

The war between the townships has seen many bloodless days since the beginning of this month. When the southern townships seceded, Mayor Blunders of Oil City ordered a direct assault to suppress the rebellion of the Illiterate States of America. So far, both counties have seen three battles. Only one death has been reported, which involved Foam Wall Jackson being hit with a spitball and instantly dying of COVID. Otherwise, everyone's okay.

Several days of tension existed between the northern and southern townships over the library tax, which, if passed in November, would force all residents of the county to fund the local libraries in the region. The secession of Cranberry Township and the other southern townships that joined it was one that Mayor Blunders was fearful would occur. Though wanting to avoid war at all costs, he chose to send the three Venango States of America military members into the southern regions to suppress the rebellion. All they've accomplished so far is reaching the top of Seneca Hill.

General Utilities S. Cant is the first general to successfully progress toward the Cranberry capital of Cranberry, where he has surrounded the capital building — also known as the Cranberry Mall.

Utilities S. Cant has made the Cranberry Mall his objective with the hopes of starving out the Southern Army. Laying siege to the mall is a dangerous task due to the possibility of his soldiers falling into the parking lot potholes. Nonetheless, Utilities S. Cant is adamant about starving out the Southern Army, who, unbeknownst to him, is actually shopping at Walmart as we speak.

As of today, Rubber E Pee — General of the Illiterate States Army — has received word of General Cant's progress toward Cranberry and is preparing a flanking maneuver. Unfortunately, even Rubber E Pee doesn’t quite know what the word flank means, but is going to try it anyway.

All the while, Mayor Blunders remains adamant that the progress of this war will decide the outcome of his self-proclaimed Meningo States of America. Blunders states that this war is essential in the hopes that all books will become free. Ironically, this war actually accomplishes nothing because the library tax still needs to be voted on in November.