Wanted Fugitive Turns Self In After Realizing Oil City Has No Uber

A fugitive who police have been looking for across the State has finally turned himself in after realizing there is not way to escape Oil City. According to police reports, Mr. Standup Behindim sat for hours outside the country fair in Oil City trying to get something called an Uber. The man kept trying to refresh his smart phone only to continually get the spinning wheel of despair.

After about 6 hours of waiting, the suspect reportedly asked someone how he would get this Uber he keeps talking about. Behindim was reportedly told that Uber does not exist in Venango County. Not even as a myth. The man was perplexed by this reality and tried to get something called a Lyft instead. Much like the Uber app, Lyft kept sending him a message which said "try walking instead."

Behindim asked local residence what transportation services were available. He was directed to a red wagon at the edge of town with a sled team consisting of 2 stray cats. Behindim imediately turned himself in reasoning that the local police might have transportation to help him escape the county...... They don't. The cops are still going around on roller skates.