Facebook Threatens Venango Republic With 9 Sketchy Profiles

You read that right! After 5 days of diligently delivering breaking news stories, much of which might not be entirely honest, the Venango Republic is being threatened. According to 9 different Facebook support representatives, who oddly don't have profile pictures, and whose names don't sound like they're from California, we have "24 hours to submit an appeal or our Facebook will be terminated."

The Venango Republic takes this threat from 5 days ago very seriously... We're also glad they've been reminding us with different accounts for the last five days that we have 24 hours left to exist...

We were especially grateful to Mario's coworker who coincidentally, left his green hat and mustache at home...

Look at the official numbers. Obviously we're in hot water for violating whatever this "42, University of Southern California, weird looking dollar sign, 1283 (covid craze year)" community standard is. Thanks Luigi for looking out for our account. Now please fix our pipes!

What's interesting about these different representatives is that their appeal forms always have different domains. Take Marek Malman for example. Not only did he save us the trouble of making up a ridiculous name for him, but he also went out of his way to design his own website so that Facebook wouldn't be overloaded with our appeal.

Obviously, shorten dot TV refers to an associate of Facebook, a multi billion dollar company that can't afford to have an appeal process on its own website.

One of the Venango Republics biggest crimes however is stealing Facebooks intellectual property. We here at the Venango Republic had no idea this was happening. That is until Damian Damian told us so...

Once again, thank you Facebook support for choosing staff with stupid names like this. Maybe we were stealing your intellectual property all this time unknowingly. Great minds do think alike!

Eventually, Facebook support did catch us off guard while reminding us of the deletion that was supposed to occur 5 days ago. A representative with a real picture messaged us...

We're not even going to try to pronounce that name... And to be honest, things were looking very suspicious. The Venango Republic had to be honest with this California native...

Unfortunately, Facebook support has not sent us their social security number as of yet. Nonetheless, they are insistent we fill out their form on the various links that keep changing...

We would love to submit an appeal, but we're not quite sure which one Facebook wants us to use.

Facebook has become much more laid back in their professional standards. You would expect customer support specialists to dress formal when reaching out to clients. For this particular one however, they are totally fine with him tailgating for work...

We're starting to think these people are not actually Facebook. Also, we don't have any Instagram...

Eventually, Facebook support fired their profile picture people for dressing too casual and instead hired a white blob wearing headphones...

And once again we're back to non American names.

The Venango Republic did not want to put this off too long. We know Facebook struggles to meet deadlines in shutting down accounts. When they say they're going to take action, they obviously never do and as you can see, would rather warn people with a dozen sketchy representatives who give various suspicious links.

To be fair to Facebook, rather than waiting to find out what form they wanted us to use, we chose the one sent by Marek Malman. Mainly because we like tv, and his link was called shorten dot TV.

When we got to the form, we filled things out to the best of our ability...