Venango County Population Quadruples After Marshalls Opening

Marshalls is officially open, and instantly it is showing signs of revitalizing the county in ways not seen since the oil boom.

According to sources, the population instantly jumped by 200,000 people the very night Marshalls announced it was opening. Experts are still uncertain as to where the residents came from or why they chose to move to the Oil Region. According to some sources, it is likely due to the sudden discovery of Marshalls accessories, which are nowhere to be found within a 20-mile radius.

“I first learned of Marshalls opening up last night, and immediately chose to relocate my family all the way from West Virginia,” states a man who has no concept of a gold rush. “My family has been struggling since the Great Depression of 2008, so learning about this opportunity was one we could not pass up.”

Local officials are excited at the result that Marshalls’ new store has brought to the region. Could it be that for the last 30 years, the solution to all our problems was to open a store that offers simple products at an affordable price for low-income families? Who would have guessed this was the perfect replacement for the oil industry?

“Quaker State and Pennzoil gave us no guidance before they departed,” states the Mayor of Cranberry. “We’ve spent years trying to figure out how to raise our population back to what it once was. This Marshalls store has finally showed us how to draw people in from outside of the region.”

Now, Venango County can once again rejoice, seeing that their population is what it was in the days of the oil boom. As of this morning, the population is now at 250,000. That’s five times the mouths to feed. Now, if we could only figure out where to earn the money to feed these people.