Venango County Military Holds Off Spartansburg Army at the Border

Early this morning, the Venango County military woke up to hundreds of Spartansburg Spartans marching toward the border of Titusville. According to eyewitnesses, a massive assault sought to drive the Venango County military away from the Route 8 border with the use of ancient Grecian armor and weaponry.

The Venango County military held their ground, despite only being armed with a small box of rounds. Sources say that Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County military managed to stand against 12 attempted charges by the Spartansburg army. Venango County's spitball artillery proved to be superior to the iron shields and swords wielded by Spartansburg. Experts believe that their exposed chests were what did them in.

Spartansburg's casualties are estimated to be around 249, leaving them with only 50 men remaining. The Venango County military did not suffer any losses, and no soldier was wounded during the engagement. It is unclear if Spartansburg will continue their attempted assault or return home embarrassed that they lost to a barrage of spitballs. The Spartans who fell are reported to have instantly died of COVID.

Experts state that Spartansburg's attempted assault on Venango County is a continuation of Mayor Dumdum's endeavor to take over northwestern Pennsylvania. Dumdum announced to the press today that he intends on raising more armies from the surrounding regions as soon as Titusville can raise more children to adulthood.