Titusville Lawnches Nuke at Oil City

Venango County is at war for the first time in its existence. The Venango County House of Representatives is working to pass a bill to open Mayor Blunders VASA project. This came after a nuclear warhead containing 50 spitballs was launched directly at the town.

Sources say that the nuke was launched somewhere around the Northside Seneca St Bridge. The warhead managed to travel a whopping 15 feet before landing midway across the bridge releasing spitballs everywhere. The Mayor has considered the bridge compromised and has placed it off limits to avoid residents catching covid.

Northside Seneca Street Bridge prior to the nuke

The Mayor emerged from his bunker (poop hole in the city outhouse) and immediately held a press briefing where he declared this an act of terror. "We will find those responsible for placing the lives of our citizens at stake" stated Mayor Blunders from the steps of City Hall, which happens to be the City Outhouse.

City Hall which acts as the City Outhouse

Mayor DumbDumb of Titusville, capital of Eastern Crawford, took credit for the attack declaring his city the new superpower of all rundown towns in Northwestern PA. It is reported that the military personnel sent by Venango County to monitor the boarder on Route 8 failed to stop the attackers who simply drove by them.

Soldier guarding county border outside city of Titusville

Blunders has reached out to neighboring cities to gain support in the war effort since Oil City has too much debt to go to war. So far, the City of Franklin says they will give Oil City the money to buy rockets from Walmart. They say they expect no payback because they like to see Oil City fail.

Butler County has also agreed to send funds to Oil Cities aid. The Mayor of Butler says that his city is so boring, they could use the entertainment.

Titusville is also receiving monetary support from Meadville, Capital of West Crawford County. Meadville states that they think the war is ridiculous, but also believe it is necessary to keep the town occupied so the methheads don't come to their town. Meadville states that they don't want the metheads because they already have too many to manage.

The Venango County House of Representatives will be meeting later today to pass a bill that will grant Oil City funds offered by Butler and Franklin. It is expected that more satirical events surrounding this war will emerge by tomorrow morning.

Venango County House of Representatives