Tionesta Falls to Enemy Hands

The capital of West Forest County has officially fallen into enemy hands as of 10 PM today. According to unreliable sources, two troops were sent from East Crawfords Capital of Titusville and invaded Tionesta without warning. Both troops were successful in breaking through defenses because Tionesta has none. Armed with two spitball launchers and muffin hand grenades, the two soldiers are now holding Tionesta hostage until Forest County agrees to surrender their valuable resources, whatever those may be.

Marienville, Capital of Eastern Forest County, has requested aide from both Venango and Clarion County. Clarion states that they will not be involving themselves in the conflict because "they are an intelectual college town and do not waste their time on matters this stupid."

Mayor Blunders of Oil City, the capital of Venango County, says that he will be supplying Forest County with weaponry as soon as Oil City can take out another loan of $25. Blunders has reached out to the City of Butler and Pittsburgh, both of which deny his existence because they are tired of hearing from him.

Meadville, capital of West Crawford County, says they are shocked that their neighboring welfare city would go so far as to invade another county. The mayor of Meadville says that he can offer nothing but his thoughts and prayers at this time. We here at the Venango Republic however, recognize that this is just a way to sound concerned for a situation that is complete ludicrous.

The residents of Tionesta are being held against their will. However, due to the weaponry being just two spitball guns and muffin hand grenades, locals have been able to come and go as they please. We are not quite sure why Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville is calling this a seige, but we will go along with it because it does make for decent satire.