Timmy Escapes Parents' Home to Engage the Allegheny Military

Venango County's youngest military member has escaped his parents' household and is now heading south through Butler County to engage the Allegheny Military. According to the mother of nine-year-old Timmy, her son is not in his bedroom. Instead, his window is broken, and a note has been left behind.

Sources state that the note is likely in Timmy's handwriting, though it is difficult to tell since every student from Seventh Street Elementary uses the same poor legibility. All experts have been able to deduce is the word “phone,” which Timmy has been obsessing over for days.

Timmy's mother is furious with Mayor Blunders, who she has accused of feeding her son information about the intercountial conflicts requiring military engagement. Timmy's mother has gone so far as to accuse Blunders of writing other notes, tying them around a rock, and throwing them through Timmy's windows. The reason we know the last note is from Timmy is because Blunders writes at a first-grade level.

Timmy's whereabouts are still unknown. Meanwhile, the Venango County military is making their way south as we speak. Once they arrive, they will be asked to make haste for the southern border of Butler to assist Timmy in engaging the enemy. When we say enemy, we are referring to both Allegheny and Timmy's mother.