The Economic Impact of A Library Tax

We have been joking this week about the proposed library tax dividing the county to the extent of a full-blown civil war. However, anyone who follows this website knows that Mayor Blunders has not actually sent the Venango County military into the South to crush the rebellion yet. He’s waiting for confirmation that the people down south are not using real guns.

As we await details about the North’s next moves in the possible civil war about to take place, we would like to take a moment to cover our opinions on the economic impact this proposed tax will have on the county at large. Please note that everything you’re about to read is wildly exaggerated, unnecessarily alarming, and designed entirely to send you into a state of needless panic. Anyway, I hope everyone’s having a peaceful morning.

It seems that a huge portion of the population is not in favor of the proposed tax for the people of Cranberry Township. According to sources, people don’t want to pay an extra share of their paycheck to fund the very few who go to the library pretending they know how to read. Additionally, studies find that 95% of people who have expressed interest in wanting to get a library card for free can’t afford a car, making this trip highly unlikely.

As for the people in favor of the tax code, surveys show that those trying to impose the tax on Cranberry Township are doing so because they don’t want to have to pay the extra $30 a year to continue having a library card for a facility whose books date back to the 1990s. As we all know, $30 is a lot to spend in a year. Most of these families are using that money on their Netflix subscriptions, making this tax an essential part of keeping them from going broke.

Although the imposed tax will help the very few library visitors avoid having to pay $30 a year for their library subscription, studies find that taxes will be raised by several dollars for those who may not visit the library at all.

This creates quite a dilemma. For instance, a person whose house is valued at $50,000 will pay roughly $12 a year to make sure that those few who want a library card don’t have to pay out of their own pockets. On one hand, you have people too poor to pay $30 a year, which equates to less than $3 a month. On the same token, you have people who don’t want to pay $12 a year because that costs an astronomical $1 a month. This, of course, creates quite the stir among everyone in the county since studies show that 98% of people who live here don’t even have a job.

Because our county classifies as a 10th-world country, and the majority of us can barely afford the bread we keep in our cupboards, we here at the Venango Republic have decided to create our own Feed the Hungry campaign. In this case, however, it will pertain to people who don’t know how to read.

Picture of Oil City

“Hello, I’m Jeremy Jetfuel, lead journalist for the Venango Republic. Here in Venango County, much of the population is impoverished and incapable of buying their own books. Most of the county doesn’t know how to read. This is why we here at Feed the Hungry have decided to do the most useless campaign we’ve ever thought to cook up—by charging people to feed a system that is outdated and doesn’t need to exist anymore.”

“For just $12.50 a year, you can help support the 2% of our population that checks out books on a regular basis. You might not like to read, but practically none of us do. Those who don’t fall into the realm of practically need your support to check out books that haven’t been updated in 50 years. Just remember, there’s no other place for people to take their kids in the county, because we’ve decided not to take this money and put it into a Sky Zone. It’s much more productive to put it into a facility that people don’t visit because they can order online.”

“Call now and pledge just one dollar a month—unless your property’s worth a hundred grand, then we’ll go ahead and make it two. Sure, the amount of people being taxed will bring in ten times the money they make off all the library card subscribers from Cranberry each year, but let’s be honest—more money is always better than less, even if it’s going to a facility nobody borrows books from anymore. So go ahead, donate that dollar a month. It’s still cheaper than a Starbucks coffee and far less useful.”