The Battle of "Betty's Berger" Ends in Union Victory

A three-hour conflict, which Mayor Blunders falsely reported as lasting three days, may have shifted the war between the townships in favor of the North. According to sources, what is being termed as the “Battle of Betty’s Burgers” resulted in a Union victory after southern soldiers realized they hate Betty’s burgers.

“She’s a really bad cook,” states one southern township soldier. “One of the reasons I never come to Rouseville is because Betty’s burgers are the worst I have ever tasted.”

The southern townships seceded from the Union less than a month ago after the library tax proposal caused a stir in Cranberry. The newly formed nation known as the “Venango States of America” found themselves invading the South in hopes of crushing the rebellion, preserving the Union, and ensuring that all books would become free. Consequently, there have been ten battles and no casualties.

General Rubber E. Pee decided to lead the southern army into the northern townships in hopes of crushing the northern army. If successful, the army would march onto Oil City, where the general would force Mayor Blunders to acknowledge the southern townships’ independence as the Illiterate States of America, thereby ending the dumbest war in world history.

Soldiers lined up on both sides of the battlefield outside of Betty’s Burgers. The northern objective was to defend the restaurant for no apparent reason.

Spitballs rained down, soldiers caught COVID, none of them died, and the battle was won when Betty opened her doors for the armies to smell her burgers. The southern army then fled back to their townships.

Later that day, Mayor Blunders of Oil City stood before a crowd of three people to give his Betty’s Burger Address.

“Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought to us this Venango nation…” All lies. It was Mayor Blunders who declared Venango County a nation no more than seven months ago.

The speech ended with several exaggerations, but people still cheered and cried because it’s in our nature to exaggerate how important we are.

As for the soldiers, Mayor Blunders sent them back to the southern townships again because he can’t get it through his head that Venango County is not a recognized nation.